Lyssa Phones From Home
Just before I head off to sleep let me just point out the day just passed. Lyssa called me at 10am this morning (which technically would be Wednesday) telling me she wasn’t at work, rather she was sick at home. Not wanting to travel to Campbelltown because it was windy and my jumper was at Lyssa’s house, she didn’t go because her doctor wasn’t around. Buying some sleeping time, I called her an hour later.
The phone was on Easy Call and Lyssa was talking to Kiley. They were just talking about Friday night and how they are traveling to the Catholic Club and Chevy’s. Lyssa told me she was most probably going to wear a skirt to Chevy’s but I was opposed to that because wearing her skirt for the first time in ages on Saturday night would be special. Lyssa realized that and thought it would be best to postpone wearing a skirt.
Lyssa Visits Penelope’s House
Penelope then dropped over to Lyssa’s house. After spending some time with each other, they left for Macarthur Square. Lyssa found that she got paid yesterday and received the same amount today. So taking out the extra $200, she went on a shopping spree. Buying herself some makeup and getting her ears pierced, she headed home.
Meanwhile, I was at home trying to call her but was surprised when her brother answered the phone. Lyssa called back a couple of minutes later only to tell me she was traveling to Penelope’s house to have dinner.
Call Lyssa Between Phone Calls
Calling Jewell in that time at 5:30pm, we talked for an hour about normal friendly conversation, no depth. We said our good-byes because Jewell had to leave for dancing classes.
Jumping onto the computer, I mucked around with the CD artwork, awaiting Lyssa to call me. Attending my computer, I did some artwork for the CD once again. Jewell must be able to read my mind because lately I’ve been having thoughts about where I stand with Lyssa. We established that tonight. Here I am making a CD, reliving the past within my creation and hers, building for the future, but for what? What is our future?
For the last week since our conversation I’ve been finding it hard to motivate myself in doing work on the CD because I was confused.
Were my feelings more at home with Lyssa or do I have to take a chance and explore my possibilities?
That’s what’s hard for me, where I am, my position in this whole mess. I am content with where I am and I am afraid to change what is so tranquil and serene.
I tried calling Lyssa because we had also a different topic of conversation to speak of. Lyssa gave me a call half an hour later. We talked on and off until 8:30pm. Lyssa and I chatted until she had to sleep. Then I said goodnight.
A Fork In The Road With Jewell
Waiting fifteen minutes, I thought it was due time to call Jewell. Jewell and Lyssa are on two completely different wavelengths. Whom I feel greater for emotionally… should I say?
Once again, I’m trapped within my reality and my fantasy, a struggle between my mind and body. What do I want? What should I want? In my mind and thoughts I know exactly what I want, but part of me tells me something else.
Just talking to Jewell, I am now somewhat confused. Understanding the whole conversation as I do, I am now fully taking it in. The hardest part of the whole conversation was when we had to say goodnight.
The Question Of Meeting Jewell
Calling Jewell back at 8:45pm we started as we always do, friendly conversation. There we were on Wacky Wednesday. As elated with the conversation as I was, what was about to hit me was unbeknownst to me.
Conversation was about Zola’s party on the 21st of this month, when Lyssa and I celebrate a year. Both of us didn’t feel comfortable starting up deep conversation. On my behalf I just wanted to comment about seeing Jewell, even though I knew in my mind that her answer would be no. On the other hand, I never comprehended Jewell’s conscience. Jewell didn’t want to spend too much time on the phone because she wanted to get a good night’s sleep. The set time was 10:00pm.
As the conversation began to calm down the option of deep and meaningful conversation was on both our tongues. Deciding to bring it up carefully, I consciously tried to keep key factors of what I was asking. Realizing this, Jewell responded. I realized I didn’t have any hope of seeing Jewell in the near future.
After that little dispute we tried to play the conversation normal again, but it didn’t work. Jewell brought up a key factor that would be playing on my mind for some time now. Jewell started being playful and laughably started using a swear word or two in her wording to make me laugh. Being who I am, I wanted to hear it one more time and pleaded. Being the person Jewell is she was reluctant to make a spectacle of herself. Saying to her that she must feel obligated and pressured to say it, she started questioning me.
Jewell asked me, “Do you think I’m obligated to say a lot of things?”
Not knowing what she meant, we kept talking. I realized the opening this was making on our feelings. Jewell felt obligated not to ask me questions because I wouldn’t be able to answer them and told me she felt vulnerable in her beliefs about the both of us.
Jewell Confesses She Lost Faith
Broadening our arguments and points in the conversation, Jewell told me she doesn’t believe me anymore when I say what I say. Time has shredded her faith and she couldn’t understand how I could have feelings for Lyssa, say them to her, and then act them out with someone else. Jewell and I worked out that my mind and body are in two different places, which is partially true.
Most of my mind has been with Jewell since the day we broke up. Over time, images have reflected how I perceive Jewell in my mind. That’s the only way I can have Jewell in respect to who I am with now. With the CD, my thoughts, letters that I have written to Jewell, they are all in my mind and none are physically existent. On the other hand, I have built up a deeper understanding of physical love with Lyssa. I have been there everyday with her, we have seen and done many things as a couple and have been intimate.
There was a time when my mind was also possessed by Lyssa but that changed as time went by and I learnt of the feelings from Jewell. Because of these illusions in my mind, I have slowly disposed of my intellectual love for Lyssa. Instead it has been replaced by the visions in my mind of getting back with Jewell, reminiscing on old times and envisioning the future.
In the past and at the start of my relationship with Lyssa, I was anxious to show Lyssa I could love her by sending her flowers and letters. Over time, I thought of Jewell more. That took over my mind, and with that I sent Jewell a poem.
Having a master plan in my head of how it should all happen, go out with Lyssa till the end of the year, take a couple of months to recuperate and then see Jewell, that’s all changed now. Jewell told me she doesn’t believe me anymore. Jewell has had so much time to think and think and that’s all she does, think about the matter.
Jewell Wants To Bury The Past
After some considerable thought, Jewell came to the conclusion that she can’t trust anything I say anymore when it comes to the both of us. Because it’s been so long and nothing has really happened, she can no longer accept my truth. That started some controversy. Jewell was telling me that after this conversation we should just speak as friends and never bring up the past or anything to do with my present or our future because she won’t believe me.
What it came down to was, Jewell wanted to test me, and she knew it. Jewell wanted to place all the pressure onto me so she could be free for a while. By telling me that I can’t express my feelings to her and she won’t believe me, that puts me in a spot. With my feet once firm on the ground and everything else around me unrestricted and not placed on the ground, I was completely appeased with my position. Everything was in place. No one was being hurt in essence, maybe except for Jewell.
Explaining to me that I didn’t understand the discomfort that Jewell was going through not knowing, she felt like a fool going along with me for a year. Now that things are changing, that puts everything out of perspective and out of my safety zone. No more are my plans safe. Now things have to be rearranged someway. This way, Jewell is the one with her feet firmly on the ground and she can rest assured. I will be feeling the intensity of not being able to express myself to the fullest.
There was no real way Jewell and I could both have our feet on the ground unless we done the drastic, where I was with her, mind and body.
The Four Possible Outcomes With Jewell
There are four possibilities I can see which I explained to Jewell over the phone.
One – Without the ability to share my mind with Jewell I will have to occupy that empty space with something else. Ultimately, Lyssa and I will build our relationship and I will once again use my mind and share all my thoughts with her, thus ruling Jewell out of my mind.
Two – Knowing that I won’t be able to rule Jewell out of my life, the next possibility would be for me to go into a state of chaos. Concealing all my thoughts and not sharing anything, my mind will belong to no one. Because of this, confusion will set in and I won’t know where to turn to. Because no one knows the situation between Jewell and I, those feelings will have to be kept to myself making life hard. Eventually I will crack and will either lose Lyssa, Jewell, both or almost everything I hold dear in life.
Three – There is always the prospect of breaking up with Lyssa after hearing this news, finding Jewell the one I want to be with in mind and body (as I know it already to be but I’m confused as I also want something else). Finding the courage, I will have Jewell but probably lose my relationship with Lyssa and therefore, most of the other people in my life.
Four – Life as I know it, as Lyssa knows it and as Jewell knows it could carry on as if nothing had happened. That way my plan will take action and I will be with Jewell after spending enough time with Lyssa. However, that plan is in tatters now. It won’t work because Jewell isn’t patient nor have I told her the whole truth in order for her to keep composure.
Another thing… once Jewell and I begin being friends over the phone (nothing more for now), I will find it hard to call her and probably won’t get around to it because of pride. Not wanting to be anything less than what I was with Jewell makes it hard for me to pick up the phone, knowing that I won’t be able to delve into our feelings. That makes it hard for me.
I can understand now how Jewell was telling me, “You’ll see how it feels now that the roles will be reversed.”
Considering that, I told Jewell she was like a game of chess, she counters all of my moves and thinks a couple of steps ahead.
Countering Jewell With A Hypothetical Question
Knowing that I should have taken it to heart when Jewell told me she doesn’t believe in my feelings towards her anymore, I knew there was some doubt in what she had said. The truth of the fact as I pointed out, Jewell doesn’t doubt me 100%.
Proposing that I sent a poem to Jewell with all my feelings written there, if I sent it today, I asked Jewell if she would throw it away. Jewell told me of course she wouldn’t. That proved somewhat that she still considers what I say to be true.
With all these feelings about to be lost and already in the back of our minds, we have to carry on with the tasks at head. Like I said, misery at its highest was when Jewell and I had to say goodnight. Jewell didn’t want to be the last to say her point and neither did I. Trying to finish up at the same time, it didn’t work, so Jewell opted to say goodnight first and I finished it off.
Taking a couple of seconds to hang up the phone, I finally put it down, depressed, but what could I do. The damage was now done.
Alluding That I Loved Jewell
Last words to Jewell were scarce but I told her that although she would try not to believe me, that I had felt great respect and have felt a love for Jewell in the beginning.
“Don’t you dare” Jewell castigated to the remark on how I once loved or had love for her.
Thinking it would be best to say this before we both knew nothing would be said in the future, a closed door to the both of us, it was time to finally say goodbye to what we knew of our ways.
A Decision To Continue Dedications CD
Myself, to shed some light and some blame also, I think Jewell could have some feelings for someone else and that would be helping her decision. While talking to Zola on our first telephone conversation she didn’t know who was on the phone and guessed Nico. My thought, Nico is the guy that is fond of Jewell.
With so much time between the both of us now I know that Jewell has a right to think her share but I know in my mind that it isn’t time for Lyssa and I to break up. Still, I’m going to continue with my artwork and won’t give it to Jewell until it is right, until the both of us are together.
That’s another thing… Jewell won’t be content that I’m telling the truth until I am finally with her, in her arms. Sending a letter to Jewell would change her mind for a week. Then she will think and change her thoughts once again. Well, it’s time for Jewell to establish where her feet are placed. Who knows, maybe I will find them once again too. Hopefully, Jewell won’t find someone to take away her mind off me, but I’m selfish to think that.
My only hopes are for Jewell and I to continue to be as much as we can be. After all, Jewell has never intended to hurt me. With doing this, she doesn’t hope I hold it against her. Truthfully, I don’t. She did what she had to do because it has been going on for so long. I can’t blame her. I’m sure she’s lost countless nights of sleep over the matter and I’m sure that’s about to happen to me. I just hope that the reality of me losing it and bringing everything out in the open doesn’t happen. The least people hurt the better. If I get hurt it doesn’t matter. The conversation ended at 12:20am.
I’m not sure if I’ve written all my feelings properly about tonight. I know I’ve only abbreviated what I feel. Right now I’m not thinking properly and that’s affecting how I write. That usually happens when I get taken back. My words are blurred and my mind is blocked. Maybe tomorrow I will have more insight about tonight, once I’ve thought about it.
I haven’t even written about the weekend in full yet. I’ll probably finish that tomorrow.
Diary Of A Mad Chaos is a daily diary written from March 1996 until today, of which individual books and book series have been created, namely “The Lost Years” an exploration of young, entwined love, the “Wubao In China (猎艳奇缘)” book series which provides an extensive comparative analysis of the cultural differences between Eastern and Western societies, and the book titled “Foreigner (华人)” an exploration of race relations in Australia.
