Not Feeling Right At Work
Once again, I’m not sure if what I’ve done is a good thing, I’ve always believed in faith though. Today I just wasn’t the same at work. I was very edgy in my with Martinson Engineering office and had to move around. Having a lot of free time on my hands I thought hard.
Not coming to any conclusions, I left for home, a nice warm day, not too hot and not too cold.
Feeling Conflicted With Lyssa
Catching the bus transport to my house, I walked in the door and called Lyssa. There was something that I wanted to say to her, that I was about to call Jewell and have a talk to her but I didn’t, and that could end up hurting me.
After a conversation with Lyssa, nothing was different. We talked about formal wear. Not once did Jewell come into conversation, rather we talked about how Mallory was getting over the guy who had done her once.
Missing The Piece Of Jewell
After getting off the phone I had something to eat. In no hurry, I called Jewell to see what was happening. Finding it hard always at the start of the conversation, I didn’t want to be fake with her as I used to be, to pretend everything is fine and act as if I enjoy the way conversation is flowing, all cheerful and happy.
The truth is I’m happy, very happy right now, but there is a part of me that is missing, something that hasn’t returned since I’ve been with Jewell, something that she had taken away. That one part I was thinking about lately, all day today, and confusion set in. I didn’t really understand Jewell until I came out.
Tonight I spoke to Jewell like I never imagined. She made me sing my words out so beautifully in a way I’ve never imagined. I’ve always wanted to be loved and I am always loved by many but I’ve never really known what it is like to love someone.
Saying this, I remember me saying that I love Lyssa and that is truth. There lies a place within my heart that tells me, the love I have for Lyssa is for something else.
I might say I love her, I might mean it, but in my head, I know who I care for.
Mired In A Love Triangle
This thought of love has come only after thinking hard, about Jewell. Sadly I must say to my Diary that the love I have for Lyssa is also a love for Jewell. There is something I feel deeply for Jewell and in loving Lyssa I find it there, I find Jewell. It’s hard to explain how a love for something forgotten and remembered can be placed in another.
Deep emotions were let out to Jewell tonight, emotions that I’ve never shown. I’ve realized that when Jewell and I were together that I didn’t give her enough time to become my friend. I rushed her, and because of that, she’d done what she’d done. All this time apart has brought us together as friends and made us realize the importance of each other.
I felt really bad after tonight, like I was betraying Lyssa, someone I deeply love. Betraying her trust is something I don’t want to do. It’s just all my life before Lyssa and Jewell I’ve been with people, and even though I cared for them, I didn’t have feelings as I do for Lyssa and Jewell. Despite this emptiness of reality I continued to care for them as only I could, I treated them right and fared them important to me.
My Reasons To Exist
I believe that I was put on this earth to treat every partner as if they meant everything to me, never to hurt the other. But seemingly I’d always get hurt by them, they would deem me soft and play around with my feelings and emotions, every single one of them.
But now I have two women that I really care for, Lyssa and Jewell.
One of them must get hurt either way. There is no right or wrong about it.
Feelings That Will Hurt Somebody
Jewell or Lyssa have never really hurt me. I’ve treated them as I have with every other girl I cared for, never to hurt them.
By ringing Jewell tonight, I stand to hurt Lyssa’s feelings and my own for betraying her trust. Now I’ll feel guilty in not telling her and if I do, I hurt her feelings, something that I’ve never wanted to do.
If I never called Jewell then she would have faded away. It’s just like I’ve moved away right now with Lyssa but not moved on from Jewell. Jewell is still within me. Like other girls that I’ve been with apart from these two, they will stay in my memories forever.
Realizing I Can’t Let Jewell Go
If I didn’t call, Jewell like me would have moved away and eventually moved on, and it would be too late for the both of us. I’ve just realized today that I can’t let that happen. Jewell means a lot to me. There is no way I can move on. There is just too much left out, too many emotions unanswered, too many problems unsolved. If Jewell never knew, I would be hurt and so would she.
Somewhere along the line there has to be hurt for fate to take its toll.
I believe now that I’ve changed, upon hurting someone I love. I’ve changed.
Jewell Writes About Us Into Her Book
Jewell and I had a conversation for an hour before saying our good-byes. Before she left I told her to write all the thoughts in her mind about the two of us, all the confusion and untold answers, all this in one book so that one day I can answer them with her. Jewell told me she already has a book like this. She’s had it for a while.
Lyssa called me while I was talking to Jewell. I had to say I was talking to Imad. There was no suspicion but it was better off her not ringing and me lying like that.
I’m glad all this is off my chest and in my Diary now. It’s 12:30am and I’ve got to get some sleep for work tomorrow.
Diary Of A Mad Chaos is a daily diary written from March 1996 until today, of which individual books and book series have been created, namely “The Lost Years” an exploration of young, entwined love, the “Wubao In China (猎艳奇缘)” book series which provides an extensive comparative analysis of the cultural differences between Eastern and Western societies, and the book titled “Foreigner (华人)” an exploration of race relations in Australia.
