A Pain Felt Deep Inside
I’m lost without words of expression tonight. If words mean nothing without expression then I’d rather not speak for my words will mean nothing. I will not speak nor have I the need to speak. Words unspoken, but even expressionless my feelings tell you of what troubles me.
What troubles me is what happened tonight, nothing big, but big in scale. I don’t need to feel this hurt, this pain deep within me, and it tells me that something is wrong.
Right now I just want to release some stress. The best way is through music and the best song is “Till you do me right” for this particular moment.
Why did I feel empty tonight? Why did I feel so insecure around Lyssa? Why did I get angry and why did I hide my anger and torment? Until now, why do I shed a tear?
How can we recoup after this but to start over, change the subject.
A Swift Work Day
Kofi was talking to me in the morning at the C.E.S. He told me how Jewell was upset that I haven’t called her. So I arranged to call her that same night.
Work was to be my last day on Friday. But poetically, I have another week for Frank to recoup.
Arriving in Campbelltown, Lyssa rang me. I told her I would ring her later that night.
Prank Calling Phoenix
At home I called Jewell twice and didn’t get her. I didn’t contact her, tell her how I was going, and that pissed me off.
Ali and Imad came over. We pranked Phoenix and bagged her out very badly while I played chess with Imad. I won most of the time.
Rory Spreads Rumor That Velda Has STDs
Ringing Rory up, we wanted to sort the story out of how Rory spread the rumor that Velda had STDs.
“Why do I still feel remorse, why is the pain still within me, why do I still shed another tear and why am I lost but still know the answers?”
Trouble started sending me quiet like I’ve learnt that I do when things get to me. When I’m troubled I think abruptly, of what good is going to come to me and what guilt I’ve been through. I don’t speak when I’m angry and try not to interact. I’m in my own world. I don’t like to be bothered. I just want to think.
Trouble with Rory sent me quiet where at first, Imad and Ali wanted to bash him for what he said.
Calling the girls to come and meet us so we can straighten out Rory, I didn’t think properly and put myself in an angry state.
Ringing back up I told them not to come. Then I invited them again. Then I rang up and told them not to come. If the girls came the problem would escalate and no one would get along.
That truly happened when Velda told us that her birthday was going shit because of the problem. That made me angry. That made me quiet and unreachable.
Not Kissing Lyssa All Night
Lyssa and I started the night off alright, walking hand in hand around Campbelltown. We didn’t embrace or kiss way until the night.
What really pissed me off right until now is the one kiss I gave her was all that was given until the end of the night when I kissed her goodnight. What pissed me off more was that for both times, I had to make the first move. That deeply hurts me. What is more insecure than that?
I’m sure that Lyssa felt the same way. She wanted to make me feel better. I felt the same, but we both kept our ground. I wanted so badly to hold Lyssa, but it just seems so lost when I have to make the move.
I have to maneuver Lyssa like a puppet on strings and I hate that.
I’m very stressed tonight.
Stressed That Things Not Going My Way
At the start of the night I made the first move but why the fuck does Lyssa have to make it so difficult for me?
Fucken shit! I fucken hate it!
Lyssa made it hard for me. I asked her if she would like to jump into Ali’s car. She told me she was going with Bielka. That was the first sign of insecurity. Sso I jumped into Bielka’s car, and not without my share of insecurity.
Lyssa Being Cold Towards Me
Driving to Woodbine Macers and then Raby lookout I jumped out of the car. She stayed inside. Fair enough.
When she came out, I held her hand. I kept her warm. This is the only time she embraced me, made me feel wanted.
Jumping into Imad’s car she stayed until she got out for a smoke with Velda. When the smoke was finished they jumped into Bielka’s car.
Only responding to answers at this point, Imad and I stayed in his car, got pissed off, done some burnouts and still no response. At one stage we were going to go home by ourselves but I didn’t want to leave without some sort of explanation.
The Girls Clinging To Their Friends
Lyssa and Velda were out of the car again. They both jumped back into Bielka’s car. I was really pissed off now.
We had our time with the boys and now our sole purpose of the girls calling us was to get together with our partners.
The girls were out at a dinner and their night was pretty much over, and it was time for their friends to share and hand them over for a while.
Lyssa Quietly Upset
We were really contemplating leaving now but chose to stay again.
Velda jumped into the car.
Lyssa stayed away. I chose to close my eyes but I didn’t hesitate on feeling the pain of the moment.
Lyssa always brings the latter choice of two choices to observation.
Bielka was leaving so I gave them two viable options, go with Bielka (leave me angry and insecure even more), or let Imad drop them off.
Discussing the latter option and most unwanted choice by all four of us, I suggested quietly but strongly that they stay with us. Once again, I had to guide her to me. The rest of the night we lay next to each other in Imad’s car, quiet and upset with each other. That’s how I feel.
Going To Sleep Angry With Lyssa
I’m very pissed off. I told Lyssa to ring me up tomorrow. I’m not ringing her because we might always meet halfway, but I’m ALWAYS the leverage to that point.
Not embracing but only for a short moment when I said goodbye to her, I walked up to my house without even a glance back, only a blank stare directly in front of me. That’s all I was able to see.
Tomorrow I will wake up around 9am regardless of her calling me or not. If she wants to be with me and I leave before she calls, then she’ll try my mobile and anything to be with me.
I don’t need to be pissed off tomorrow. It is supposed to be a special time for us. I have to take the pictures and I don’t want her to remember that day as a bad experience.
She invited some friends with her. That’s good because someone has to hold the camera.
My anger will disappear after a good night’s sleep, but my thoughts will always be the same until changed.
Diary Of A Mad Chaos is a daily diary written from March 1996 until today, of which individual books and book series have been created, namely “The Lost Years” an exploration of young, entwined love, the “Wubao In China (猎艳奇缘)” book series which provides an extensive comparative analysis of the cultural differences between Eastern and Western societies, and the book titled “Foreigner (华人)” an exploration of race relations in Australia.
