Self-Diagnosis Of Anxiety & Panic Disorder – Mad Chaos: July 1, 2004

This room is a proud pile of commodities, where you have my laminated computer desk, the speaker cabinet boxes on its either side, a television, video player, home theater system, waterbed, and an abdominal roller, which fails to mention the mess of plates on the wooden platter on the floor surrounded by a distribution of clothes, and all else that makes this an anarchical organized oxymoron of a room.  I should be proactive because there are so many motivational tools around me, but for some unknown reason, I have mysteriously been sapped of physical, emotional and intellectual energy.

Stuck In A Serious Lull

I have been in a serious lull.  I would never call it depression but rather there has been a physiological attenuation, which has seen me mimic the behaviors of an apathetic man. 

I could blame my biorhythms.  I could also place blame on bodily changes because of Olanzapine.  I cannot explain why motivation has been so hard to find, but I cannot blame personal matters, like how the cold war is over with Lyssa, the dispute with chef, the setback of a social (which has repercussions in these memoirs to overtake personal life) or any other influential stressors.

I am at a loss as to why I am unable to find motivation, to have developed an atrophic mentality.  This has affected me because I consume more calories per day, I exercise less, prefer a sedentary life, and I have less incentive to write in my memoirs as well. 

I can even blame the online experience, but so many factors make it impossible to place authentic blame. 

Perhaps it could be the lack of Olanzapine that constitutes my generalized apathy and this need to consume more calories? 

I could also blame the biorhythms with its frustration for a lack of purpose or productive days, but on the other hand, I have blunted responses.

The day has been an insipid dark side of the moon.  I went to sleep at 6:30am after tennis and news to wake up today at 1:30pm, seven hours later. 

I had a shower, measured 85.9 kilos on the scales, and then had an Alprazolam tablet. 

On A Mission In Town

I had a mission today.  I had to find new nuts and a screw for the bench press because it was unstable.  I also had to purchase a new room heater because my other one broke yesterday evening, which made me cold and evermore less interested in my memoirs.

I headed out into town on my racer at 2:15pm today.  This was the first scenic excursion out of the house with a knapsack in a while.  I have departed the house on other occasions for business reasons, so there is no time to appraise temptations or develop my techniques. 

I had a small window into this behavior today, as I pedaled the racer into one of the main roads in town.  I had a look around before I entered the workout store where I had purchased my bench press and abdominal roller from the day before. 

I have to say the fifty or so reps I performed yesterday on the abdominal roller killed my abdominals today. 

I am like the springs in a mattress as I bend backwards.

In any case, I became all business and collected a spare threaded bolt for the bench press from here.  I was also told that the screws had to be tightened in order for the bench press frame to be firm, so there was no need to visit a hardware house later on to spend more unnecessary money.

Buying A Room Heater

I walked onto the main road from here and enjoyed the view.  I pushed the racer up to the other end, which is where I jumped back on and rode to the discount warehouse at the other end of town.  I entered the discount warehouse at 2:45pm.  Once more the business side of me took back over. 

I walked around and searched for a room heater to purchase.  Then I used twenty dollars from my miscellaneous weekend money to purchase a heater from the discount warehouse.  I was happy with the selection I made as well.  It was a complicated squeeze into my knapsack outside. 

I rode home within fifteen minutes, to be in my backyard by 3pm.

A Light Workout On The Bench Press

The next hour or so was spent to make the bench press more stable.  It worked.  I dusted off some weight plates Eric owns and assessed the leg extension and leg curls.  I also did some bicep curls with twenty kilos on the same apparatus at the end of the bench press.  All this was done with mum the observer out on the couch in the backyard.

I came back into the house around 5pm to make dinner, which was sausages, pasta twists with sauces and broad beans, a square meal.  I also had olives however, and cheddar cheese, a pink salmon sandwich, red kidney beans, liters of cordial and much more. 

I had a second Alprazolam tablet at 8pm after television, as I downloaded more programs online.  I have lacked the will to be exerted in any manner since then, so I have more or less watched television or fiddled around on my computer.

The Browser Keylogging Virus

I have had some form of browser hijacker, parasite, Trojan or tracking component infect my beloved computer in the last couple of days, so I downloaded a detection and removal utility.  The tool helped somewhat.  I had to physically remove some viruses, which records all I input into the computer via the keyboard and then upload it to hackers, who use this information to obtain financial and personal information.  I had to defeat this browser hijacker tracker because it slowed my computer processor speed down to a crawl, which inconvenienced my memoirs and could have caused another catastrophe.

Continued Withdrawal From Olanzapine

As another experimental day concludes, I am happy at my resilience off of Olanzapine.  I have coped well and have tolerated a lifestyle without the chemical.  I believe more and more also as days pass that this labile label once known as schizophrenia reduces its validity the more I am able to cope on Atenolol and Alprazolam alone. 

If I am able to cope for a month with no detrimental effects then perhaps Olanzapine was a diluted placebo and like I always suspected, that rash psychiatrist who labeled me schizophrenic misdiagnosed me.

Being Labeled With Schizophrenia

I never could stomach schizophrenia and I never understood why I was the exception to the rule. 

I always believed it was an anomaly.  I believed that I would not only improve, but also rehabilitate, because I was a sceptic of schizophrenia. 

I accepted schizophrenia as a label and its subsequent medication because it was an effective patch for sixty percent of my problem.  I was naïve and I am still naïve, but each day I learn more about my condition.  Now I am convinced that I do not have schizophrenia.

A person that suffers from schizophrenia experiences hallucinations, paranoia, and delusions.  As well as the negative symptoms, sometimes these problems can be confused with other conditions, even if you experience them. 

The Squeezed Crackers Analogy

I used to be paranoid, but it could have resulted from abstinence from marijuana and the chemical changes.  I used to be paranoid of mum and have delusions that she was a snoop and she would listen, but really there are some truths to these beliefs, because people like my brother and friends can corroborate how detested mum is for her darker side. 

I could easily confuse the negative symptoms of schizophrenia with another condition as well.  So, while Olanzapine worked to some extent, it may only have addressed an element of problems of another mental illness and not the whole problem, which is why I always used the analogy of being the butter inside two crackers, where the more you squeezed, the more you would experience little worms of butter escape from the holes of a supposedly contained condition.

Linking Cholecystokinin To Anxiety

I believe now that I have a pathological panic and anxiety disorder, which was my initial discovery.  I believe this because for all the other times I have discontinued the use of Olanzapine, I have never had Alprazolam there, which as a benzodiazepine medication, is highly effective in treating cholecystokinin related anxiety-panic disorders. 

Cholecystokinin is a hormone and neurotransmitter secreted by the upper intestine that stimulates contraction of the gallbladder and increases secretion of pancreatic juice.  This hormone in research appears to relate strongly to panic attacks, and Alprazolam deals with its regulation.  So, if my problem really is an anxiety-panic disorder, then perhaps this is the reason why I have had no relapses or adverse reactions to the absence of Olanzapine in this new revelatory period on Alprazolam.

It has only been five days since I suspended the use of Olanzapine but it makes sense how chronic anxiety and labile symptoms like agoraphobia, performance fears and panic could be associated with schizophrenia. 

I will have to say that the theory of mental abrasion is more prone to schizophrenia than it is to anxiety-panic disorders, but when your norepinephrine levels rise and cause adrenaline to be released; this is tantamount to an anxiety-panic disorder.

Self-Diagnosis Of Anxiety-Panic Disorder

I would like to believe I have a severe case of adrenaline rushes born from panic.  It makes sense when you consider the psychological disturbances I have experienced.  The Lost Years  era identified me with an inability to find an identity or a lack of place in society for years, a fear of failure and bad decision upon bad decision for years and years.  This period was me deteriorate until A Step Back Into Society took place to rationalize the fears. 

I have often dwelled on fears.

“Will these memoirs ever be successful?”

“Are my memoirs a useless, futile tool to pass time?”

“Will I ever find a person to complete me like Jewell and Lyssa did?” 

I have dwelled on these fears for years.  In a way I live in the past, which inhibits my ability to create a future. 

So, life has been a cycle of awful reminiscence, a measure based on those bad experiences and hang-ups rife of low self-esteem. 

Finding The Root Of My Anxiety

I developed a mental illness because of my neurosis for concern.  But perhaps all these problems point to anxieties, which started when I had my first panic attack in the Days of the Dark Knight at my work desk. 

I believe now I have an anxiety-panic disorder and not schizophrenia because I have known and said for years, that I am curable.  I know all I need is to be secure.  While this plan of resolutions makes me feel more secure, and while this classification as a mentally ill person denotes a place and bona fide acceptance in society I have yearned for, I really believe that the miracle to conquer all this uncertainty is love.

All I need is love. 

I know love will heal me, because I remember the earliest emotionally anxious experience I ever had was because Jewell ended my dreams of “happily ever after” when she dumped me.  I woke up from then.  Months later I was secure with Lyssa, but I was insecure in this whole relationship because I led a double life. 

In the end, I never secured either Jewell or Lyssa.  I was in a limbo and would have been anxious.  So, in a need to find identity, I worked in a legal firm in the city for HIH Insurance for a year.  But this hollow life compounded with work stress made me anxious up until I had my inaugural panic attack, where I trembled with adrenaline at my work desk, and flooded with the secretion of norepinephrine.

I have deteriorated ever since that episode.  I declined into depression, I was terminated from work, I started to see prostitutes, Lyssa left me forever, and I was aimless with only these memoirs as company. 

I used to have love.  It made me feel secure because love is all you need.  But I have had such low self-esteem for years since then, that in the end I developed a disorder, which was misdiagnosed as a mental illness.

Abstained From Zyprexa (Olanzapine) Medication

All I know is that schizophrenia is a brain disease and it is forever, whereas an anxiety-panic disorder is all in your head, and a person can recover. 

I think the reason I have been successful off of Olanzapine in the last five days is because I am now mentally secure thanks to positive steps, like my resolutions.  I realize now that this courage could never have happened if I never had the revelation about insecurities, followed by a revelation about adrenaline rushes, which led me to discover Alprazolam. 

I believe I have been able to evade the dark cloud that once encircled me.  I have come out of the wilderness because I have accepted the philosophy that I am curable.  I always knew this was the case because I knew absolute love could cure me.  I know in the back of my head that if I receive reassurance like I used to in a relationship with Lyssa, then the anxieties will disappear.  So it is imperative for me to last a month on Alprazolam alone because then I will know I am curable. 

I will be able to make a voodoo doll of the psychiatrist who diagnosed me with schizophrenia too, for he forced me to believe in a hopeless situation, which made me even more anxious.  So for this mistake he deserves to have his license to practice confiscated.

I have only now in these last few months been able to maneuver my life into a prosperous position.  I have been able to live life and have expectations.  I am able to smile once more.  If I am able to cope minus Olanzapine for a further month, I will celebrate another proud vindication, which I will be able to rehabilitate from, no matter what all the misinformed specialists say.