Discuss Feelings With Jewell – Mad Chaos: July 22, 1998

How can I explain today as I listen to “7 Miles” on the old CD player.  As there has been a certain amount of action today, the most action has been over the phone.  

Centrelink Makes Me Angry

Tomorrow there will be plenty of action as I travel to see Frank Hou, and then get one CD screen printed, although I didn’t get paid the full amount.

Centrelink are fucked these days.  They don’t have a fucken clue.  Having an argument with three people over the phone I knew that they would fuck it up for me this payment around, and I was right.  So I had to rearrange where most of my money was going.  This just fucks up all my plans a whole lot more.

Jewell Phones In The Morning

Last night after talking to Jewell on the phone I stuck around and worked on the CD art so I could have it printed today at Campbelltown Library.  Saving it onto floppy disk, I went to sleep knowing that Jewell was giving me a call at midday today.

Waking up around midday I looked at the time.  I was then in anticipation of my call from Jewell.  Not wanting to get out of bed yet, I waited half an hour to an hour.  Then Jewell called.  

Because it was the morning I’m not sure what our conversation consisted of, but I think we were talking about her day at school.  

Half way through our conversation the call waiting beeped, and it was on my end.  Answering the call my thoughts were that it was Lyssa, and indeed it was.  Who else would it be anyway, unless it had something to do with a government department?

Lyssa Cuts In On Call Waiting

Lyssa didn’t even realize that I was on call waiting.  She didn’t hear the funny ringing tone as she kept talking.

“Hi, what are you up to,” I started.

“I am on reception at work.  I am so bored.  I called Kiley earlier to talk.  Then I called Velda,” she replied.

I guess now it was my turn.

I talked with Lyssa for a minute. 

“I have Imad on the other line.  I have to get back to him.  I will call you back,” I warned.

Sharing White Lies With Jewell 

Then I diverted the call back to Jewell.  

“Who was that on call waiting,” Jewell was curious.

I lied to her also saying, “It was just Centrelink asking me in for an interview.”

From there I just talked more about my lie to Jewell and how Centrelink wants me to go see them in a couple of days.  The real date is the 27th of this month.  Yep, really looking forward to it.

In our conversation I also talked about the past and how one day Jewell and I were on a telephone conversation and we were talking about Hot or Cold showers.  Back then to Jewell, being with me was like a ‘Hot’ shower but everything else was ‘Cold’.  Nice way to explain the explicit sexual feelings towards me I must admit.

Discuss Plans To Meet

Jewell and I also talked about the day we finally meet.  Knowing where Jewell was headed when I mentioned meeting in Campbelltown, Jewell asked a question.

“Where would the most out of the question place be for us to meet?”  

Giving it a couple of seconds thought I knew the answer to be, “My house.”  

“Why,” Jewell then asked.

“For the reason that if I chose that destination then you would get the wrong impression.  But my house is not a problem, if you want to meet there,” I told her.

“Do you want to meet at my house,” I asked Jewell. 

I knew that option was already in her mind.  She considered that option, and then agreed.  In my mind I knew that Jewell wanted to meet at my house for some reason.  My beliefs are that we will be able to have more privacy at my house, and to Jewell’s discretion that will be a good thing.

“If we meet outdoors, I would always be looking over her shoulder.  I wouldn’t be able to focus fully on you,” she reasoned.

At Jewell’s house there are her parents.  They wouldn’t understand how one day after a year I would just come back into her life.  Of course, there’s also not enough privacy for Jewell.  So then there comes my house where my room is always private.  To Jewell it’s a good thing.

With the thoughts I think Jewell has in her head, I don’t think she will be a perfect angel at my house.  Rather, after looking at my computer and painting Jewell’s nails, we will get sidetracked into each other.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  

“Do you think we are taking things for granted, “Jewell asked me later.

I hesitated, “No.”

I feel this way because as much as I’d like to get onto Jewell that day, I will try my best to take it slowly, at least for our first meet.  But I feel that all these hidden emotions within that Jewell and I have had time to think about will get to us.

Questions About Feelings

“Do you ever think about when we get together, what will happen?  Because I always do,” Jewell asked me. 

To be truthful, because I was with Lyssa, those thoughts didn’t enter my mind frequently.  Rather, even when I broke up with Lyssa and I’m talking with Jewell on the phone, the only time those thoughts came into my mind were when Jewell started talking about her raunchy thoughts.  

There were times when I would look at the CD artwork or look at the picture I thought looked like Jewell and then reminisce of the times we were on my bed and love the feelings of that day, but it wasn’t frequent.

Then needing to have a shower to get ready for my walk to Campbelltown I warned Jewell that I would have to go in about fifteen minutes.  Completely oblivious to my intentions of calling back Jewell, I feel bad for having to deal with these days of multiple emotions.

I must sound like a real prick when I note that Jewell is the one I would rather be talking to now because we can talk freely.  Being just over two weeks that Lyssa and I have broken up, I know that’s not nearly enough.  I blame it on my weak nature.  But you will hear more of my weak nature as I talk of the conversation with Jewell tonight.  

Whenever I have thoughts in my mind, by the end of the conversation they have to be expressed.  It’s in my nature to assert myself distinctly.  Even when I know the answer won’t be positive, I have to ask for the sake of asking.  That’s just me.  

Not holding back is part of my weakness.

Phone Lyssa At Work

Hanging up the phone with Jewell after an hour of conversation, I called Lyssa back at work.  Knowing that Lyssa would try and get around direct confrontation I gave her some time.  

“What did you and Imad talk about,” she then asked.

Now I don’t like lying but in this case, to protect Lyssa’s feelings I had to.

“Imad is bringing over the computer.  He is probably coming over later,” I said.

Lyssa then told me about her day.

“I can’t call you tonight because I am going to the gym.  But you could call my house anyway and leave a message, to show that you cared,” she hinted.

Lyssa told me about her step class tonight.  After ten minutes it was time for Lyssa to get back to work because her time at reception was almost finished.

Discuss Feelings With Jewell

Cleansing myself in the shower I jumped back out to towel myself down.  Heading back to my room, I called Jewell back up as I lay down on my waterbed with a towel on my head.  

“Did you have a hot shower or a cold shower,” Jewell asked.

Smiling, I answered,  “They are always hot.”

Waiting for my hair to dry we then talked some more about our feelings and how things would probably change.  Should I be having these conversations with Jewell already or am I jumping the gun?

Jewell and I talked for half an hour before I had to jump up and get myself ready for Campbelltown.  As we usually do, Jewell and I probed into the past of our realities just before the days of our break up.  Details aren’t too explicit on this conversation so I’ll just get to the part where I said goodbye.  

“You know what today is?  It’s Wacky Wednesday!  I have to go to my dance classes tonight,” Jewell informed me.  

“Okay.  I will call you at 8:15pm when you return,” we arranged.

These plans I used to make with Lyssa but I guess that’s gone now, since we are no longer together.

Lyssa’s Birthday Is Near

Now that my plans are evident and I can see how fast I’m sidetracking myself, I’m not sure how long I will keep in contact with Lyssa for.  

I’m certain that in time (and against my will and judgment) Lyssa and I will stop seeing each other. Then we will stop conversing as much over the phone, if not at all.  The way I see things, that day won’t be very far away.  I’m just sad to realize that my plans for Lyssa’s birthday will be so hard to accomplish because I will be strung up on Jewell.  Still, Lyssa’s birthday is only three weeks or more away.  I believe that I can hold out that long.

It’s bad that I’ve come to terms that I’m finished with Lyssa.  Never have I read it in a book or act my life out in a straight line, but I feel that there should be more time dedicated to breaking up.  On my behalf, it’s just a joke what I’m doing.  The year that I was with Lyssa meant so much to me. But now, two weeks later, I have disrespected Lyssa and my feelings towards her.  It’s selfish how I turned away so quickly, but it’s also depressing how I had someone to turn to that was there all through my time with Lyssa.