Deciding To Break Up With Lyssa – Mad Chaos: July 5, 1998

The weekend is over now, the fun and excitement has been had, or has it.  Unexpectedly, from this day forth I know it to be over with Lyssa and I.  Still, many things are left undone and unsaid, but I feel that our ending was evident and the right things were said.

The Decision To Break Off Relationship

Last night while staying up real late I taped a song onto video from ‘Madonna’ while Lyssa and I were watching Rage.  Lyssa has wanted to have that song stored for a long time so she could listen to it whenever she wants.  That day will never come now, as Lyssa and I will sparsely see each other.

Other factors I will greatly miss is how Lyssa made me smile and happy.  Her childish antics made me laugh and kept her within my heart.  She will still be there.  Part of the reason Lyssa and I grew apart was the fact that our likes were also growing apart.  The direction I was moving toward Lyssa showed no interest or support, whereas, Lyssa’s direction was also neglected by me.

There had always been problems within our relationship but none of them were noticed in our last conversation.  To think that Lyssa was at my house a couple of hours ago, hugging me, kissing me and holding me makes me sad now, knowing the reality.

Hang Out With Ali

This morning we had some more fun time.  Then Ali came over, only giving us half an hour of fun.  This could be the last time Lyssa and I were ever satisfied together.  I can say now Lyssa would be happy with her last, as was I.

Lyssa got a lift home with us.  Then Ali and I checked out a Sigma for sale, dragged a Commodore Station wagon and then headed to talk wit Imad.  After that, it was home time.

I tried to call Lyssa.  She was on the phone with Kiley.  An hour later she called back.  We only talked for a couple of minutes because nothing was being said.  

Half an hour later I tried calling Lyssa once again, but this time, she was on the phone to Bielka.  Lyssa called me back in an hour once again and this is where we had our discussion.

Lyssa Lays The Word Down

It all started when Lyssa gave me a call tonight after talking to Kiley and then Bielka.  Conversation was fine.  That is until Lyssa started getting depressed.  I remember yesterday when I called Lyssa while she was at home, she was crying and sounded very sad.  Asking Lyssa what the problem was, she told me after some time that it was to do with our relationship.  Letting her go, I knew something was wrong.

Tonight, Lyssa told me we needed to talk.  I tried to avoid the topic because I knew where it was headed.  Lyssa told me she wanted to talk to me in person, but then she changed her mind and we started talking on the phone.  

Lyssa’s first question to me was, “Do you love me anymore?”

In my heart, I know I will always love Lyssa and all the times we had together, I will surely miss her dearly.  But, this day has come and both of us knew that I was only dragging it on longer and longer as the days progressed.  

Lyssa wept while on the phone.  She couldn’t contain her tears.  I felt sad and only felt miserable when Lyssa said goodbye to me.  I knew, it finally hit me as I was looking at our photo from the formal and thought that this was the closest I would ever get to Lyssa again.  

Our path had been set and Lyssa or I didn’t really want to travel the path, but it had to be done.

Lyssa told me that she doesn’t want to be with someone that doesn’t love her, doesn’t feel happy when they know they are meeting or cares for her.  For that reason, Lyssa and I came to an agreement that we should break up, after some arduous conversation.  Feeling it would have been better to leave it for a couple of days without talking and see the response, Lyssa thought she would only get hurt more.  So she took it upon herself to lay down the word.

Thinking I should see Lyssa one last time, I was thinking of ringing Ali up just so he could drive me to Lyssa’s house and we could hug, for one last time.  Regardless, as I told Lyssa that, she said it would be a bad move because she would never want to let me go.

On another note, I guess the situation with Jewell was really getting to me.  Although not evident, in the back of my head I was tallying the days that slowly passed by and faded away our existence and lives.  Many thoughts went through my head as I was having my last conversation with Lyssa.  Relieved I wasn’t to be breaking up with Lyssa, but depressed I was.  

Why did this have to happen; how come?  

The only person to blame for this is myself, for falling out of love with Lyssa and leading her on as I do.  

Lyssa Breaks Up With Me

Lyssa called me back a couple of minutes after we said goodbye.  She only wanted to tell it to me properly and that she would miss me dearly and she would never find anyone like me again.  Being strong through this process, I didn’t want to make Lyssa any more sorrowful than she already was.  Ending our time together on this date, July 5^th 1998, a year and fourteen days after we first got together.  To the exact time, I think we ended conversation at 9:05pm.  Our last words to each other were ‘goodnight’.  Not a second after that, Lyssa hung up the phone, one of the most somber moments of my life.

After our second telephone conversation I looked at the pictures.  I know I shouldn’t have done this but I called Jewell up on her mobile phone and consolidated with her.  Just speaking briskly I told her that I had to talk to her and I would call her back in an hour.  That really wasn’t a great move on anyone’s behalf because if my feelings do swing there will be problems.

Lyssa Asks For A Second Chance

Regardless, Lyssa called me back at 10:04pm half an hour after I started writing in my diary.  Lyssa was asking me for another chance.  I felt real bad but I knew that couldn’t be.  Already, I could feel my hands slipping away from hers deeper and deeper into darkness.  Lyssa told me sobbing that she had lost her best friend in the process.  Our episode on the phone lasted a couple of minutes.  Lyssa pleaded to see me.  Wanting to meet me at my house, I knew that would be a bad mistake in regards to the direction I wanted to go.

All of this wouldn’t have even happened if Lyssa didn’t want to have her conversation tonight.  I didn’t want to break out the reality of our relationship either but Lyssa made me.  Lyssa told me how every day now since I told her I wasn’t 100%, she would go home and cry.  After spending the weekend with me she would go home, sit in her room, reminisce on the old times and grieve.  Those times are now far behind us.  Now a reality has set in far earlier than I expected.  Lyssa and I were meant to last until the end of this year and all would have been okay, but that wasn’t to be.

Lyssa was troubled when I told her we couldn’t meet at my house.  Instead, I made it clear we should meet in Campbelltown, in public or at Lyssa’s house.  That way, there would be no captivity as there would have been if Lyssa came over my house where I would be backed in a corner.  So, in this circumstance, you can understand why my house would be out of bounds.

There’s many memorable things that happened on our last weekend but that of our strip poker game with Ali and Penelope would have to top it all off.  

Asking Jewell To See Me

I’ve just been talking to Jewell on the phone from 10:30pm until now, which is just past midnight.  I was commenting to Jewell that our relationship was plastic when we were going out.  Like Barbie and Ken, we had to maintain a certain image as if we were in the spotlight, the perfect couple we played until our perilous end.

Now I’m so confused I don’t know what to write.  I’ve tried to convince her in seeing my tomorrow as I now know she is leaving for Queensland on Tuesday and staying there for two weeks.  

Everything is chaotic.  

I’m just so confused I don’t know what to do.  Jewell is too scared of her own feelings to see me tomorrow.  She also feels it is wrong, which I know it is.  Shameful as I am, my urges persist.  But now that I am off the phone, I’m just so confused.  

Chasing A Fiction In Jewell

Looking at the photo once again of Lyssa and I, well, I know we should both be together, but I just can’t, I have to let go sometime.  It’s killing me even though it shouldn’t, but being with Lyssa for over a year, it tends to hurt.

I’m not sure if Lyssa will be going to College tomorrow but I know we both have to settle this hurt once and for all, try and calm it down and become friends.  Heck, I’m not even sure what I want.  I want so much to be with Lyssa.  I really do love her, but I don’t want to leave an opportunity behind with Jewell.  A relationship that I thought once was plastic but matured to be a phenomenal dependence.  Lyssa and I are solid.  Jewell and I are somewhat fictional and yet, here I am going for fiction.

Being Pushed Away By Jewell

All these feelings, it’s like an explosion has been let off inside of me.  I’m not sure what to think honestly.  Now that I’ve spoken to Jewell and made clear what has happened, I ask, who could be my lifelong companion.

With Jewell tonight, all my feelings were circulated in a triangle.  Instead of calling Lyssa to speak with her, I shied her away to call Jewell.  While I was talking to Jewell I was thinking only to see her and give her a hug, one that I should be giving to Lyssa and taking that away from her.  Jewell is disallowing me the right to see her tomorrow.  That irritated me and made me angry.

The only person I can blame is myself, my feelings.  The only way I can blame Lyssa is for being too attached with me, and the only blame I can place on Jewell is for keeping me attached for the past year.  

What goes around comes, around and I’m getting mine now.  

Lyssa is upset and because Lyssa is upset, I am too.  I’m also agitated because Jewell won’t see me.  I’m sure Lyssa has some belief about Jewell being in the picture in the back of her head.

The Pendulum Of Emotions Swings

God, why did you make emotions so hurtful?

Lyssa I would never want to hurt, Jewell I would never want to hurt and yet, the pendulum keeps swinging in both directions.  

With Jewell gone for two weeks and me split with Lyssa, how long will it be before my temptations are met?  

Is there a chance for Lyssa and I to fall back into love or is it really over?  

Truth is, I’m not letting that love between Lyssa, and I blossom and Jewell is the reason.  

Angry, Confused And Scared

Fuck, I’m so confused and angry.  I need some time to myself, some time alone to think with no confusion set in my mind.  Seeing pictures of Lyssa in my room only makes me sadder.  

When I work on the CD tomorrow, the mixing, I wonder how I will feel.  Well, I think I am working on the CD on Wednesday but still, how will I feel?

My relationship between my friends and Lyssa’s once they all find out the story, how will that all affect everything?

To never see or talk to Lyssa again, that is a sin and I do want to see Lyssa more in my life.  To be friends would be a great achievement but I’m not sure if that can happen.  Tomorrow I’m not sure what will happen.  I’m so confused as I’ve probably already said a couple of times before.

The truth of the matter is, I have only started to get confused because I called Jewell.  Anger has taken over my guilt because I hate what I am doing to Lyssa.  

Why do I cave in my feelings?

Why did I have to ring Jewell?

Now, not only have I ruined what I have between Lyssa and I, Jewell will also be feeling the weight on her shoulders as she is sun baking in Queensland.

Haunted By The Good Memories

Painful memories will be brought back to me when I develop the photos tomorrow that of Kylie Minogue in the City at HMV and that of when Lyssa and I visited the hotel for our one-year anniversary.  I’m thinking of getting doubles of those photos and having Penelope give them to Lyssa because they would be valuable to her.

What Lyssa is feeling, crying and sobbing her eyes out at home because of my feelings, I’m also feeling right now as I called Jewell.  Reality has been brought forward.  I now know both sides of the coin.  Making a choice, I’m not doing that now.  

If I had to make a selective decision I would choose Lyssa right now, but only because I can’t let go.  On the same level, I feel immensely for Jewell.  I feel that I might have to let that out in order for Lyssa to realize.  

Breaking up with Lyssa was always going to be hard, and this is the closet it has been to ever sticking it out.  It’s only been a couple of hours but to call Jewell and explain what has happened, that’s darn close.

My only worries now are that everything will cave in within the next two weeks.  If Lyssa and I manage to get back together, the relationship between Jewell and I will either be over, or battered.  If I do get back with Lyssa, then I will confess most of my obtuse acts between Jewell and I.  The truth might also send Lyssa and I further from each other.

The articles in my room of Lyssa’s, the photo, the crystal piano, the millions of photos I have, the metal moon ring that pierced my skin and drew blood, the CD she gave to me, ‘Misty Moo For You’ the cow she gave me for our anniversary and all the letters she has written to me will all make me depressed and sad.  But it seems that in our relationship, apart from Jewell sending me off course, with each argument we had, we would escalate our problem with each other, our despising toward each other.

The Need For More Experience 

In my life, I want to experience plenty more people before I settle down.  If I break up with Lyssa that could happen, but I doubt it.  Either way, I’m backing myself into lifetime where there is no chance of me ever having more than one more partner.  It’s either Jewell for life or Lyssa for life.  The only way out of it is to confess to Lyssa and then forget about Jewell.  Then one day when Lyssa and I break up, I will be content to try other people.

Even though Lyssa and I aren’t really compatible, I always believed we could go a very long distance.  Thinking of Lyssa with some other guy after me angers me, but it has to happen.  Here I am thinking that I should get back with Lyssa again, or at least ring her.  Well, I will give Lyssa a call tomorrow night after her College to see how well she is taking it.  Lyssa wants to see me but that could be disastrous.  Seeing her smile in my photo, it gets to me every time because we look so good together and her smile is so beautiful.  How well was the moment captured tonight?  It haunts me now and it depresses me.

Feeling Empathy For Lyssa

Right now, I feel very bad for Lyssa and how her heart would just be dropping and broken.  Never have I wanted to place her through this pain, but this loneliness has to come at a price.  Gone will be the days of mucking around, our snuggles, kisses, funny faces, piggybacks, sarcasm and loving.

Well, now it is time for me to have an early night.  I don’t want to stay up looking at our photos and reminiscing.  That is painful.  Rather I want to sleep and forget about it so I can have a clearer picture tomorrow morning in what is right and wrong.  

Personally, I think this came at a bad time.  I know I probably shouldn’t have called Jewell but it’s all happened now.  It’s all in the open.

I just feel I’ve been holding back all my positive emotions from Lyssa because of my feelings for Jewell.  Lyssa told me how I never reassure her anymore of anything, how much I love her or even how good she looks.  

Enough written, I’m getting tired with these tears that have dried up on my face.