Caught In A Deadly Love Triangle – Mad Chaos: June 9, 1998

Stopping my diary entry short just before, I gave Lyssa a call a tad before 6pm  The phone was on call waiting and her brother wasn’t answering.  Hanging up the phone, I was going to begin typing again but Lyssa called me back a couple of minutes later.  

While on the phone Lyssa sounded quite normal, oblivious to the fact of what she had learnt last night.  It breaks my heart to see Lyssa ‘Cut so deep’ as Lyssa said last night.  Lyssa is sounding playful on the phone but we can both see how distraught and hurt she is.

Lyssa Backs Out Of Promise

Last night Lyssa’s mum gave us a lift to my house not too long after, we were grateful.  Walking into my room, opening the door for Lyssa and closing it behind her, these things I will miss the dearest.  Walking into the room I sat and chatted with Lyssa for a little.  

Lyssa told me her head “Really, really, really hurt.”  

I knew she was only saying that partially because she didn’t want to follow up to what she had said to me before.  Walking upstairs to get food for Lyssa, I had a little think.  I thought to myself not to get myself too worked up over getting something I wouldn’t, and to walk downstairs and ask Lyssa if she would give it to me.  Walking downstairs to meet Lyssa with the question was challenging.

Placing the food on the ground, I worked out a way to ask Lyssa if she would give me oral that night.

Her answer, “No, probably not.”

“Why not,” I asked her.

Her reasons, “Because I have to go to sleep soon and I don’t feel like it.”  

Immediately I felt intimidated.

I said to Lyssa, “I knew you would say that.”

Lyssa got angry at my harsh words.

I got angry with Lyssa.  

Within that buildup of tension, Lyssa turned away from me on the waterbed, wanting to shut me out.  Lying on the ground, we didn’t talk to each other for a couple of minutes.

Escalation Into An Emotional Fight

Lyssa turned back around and asking me to jump onto the waterbed, I told her she should come down to sleep where we always do.  That happened.

Then Lyssa tried to justify herself by saying, “If you really want me to, I’ll do it for you.”  

What kind of response is that!  Of course I really want her to.  The only problem now was that Lyssa had rejected my first offer and in no way was I going to let her out of compassion.  Trying times we had after that.  I feel a pain in my chest like Lyssa still would a day after the argument.

As our troubles escalated, the topic of us breaking up arose again.  I’m not sure how to describe it but our conversation headed into greater depths of break up.  So to that, Lyssa got out of me truth like, my love for her isn’t as great since day one and that I wanted to break up sooner.  

Lyssa was crying her eyes out last night at the fact that I didn’t feel for her as greatly as I did on day one.  Lyssa called her mum to go home.  When that didn’t work she put on her shoes and wanted to walk out my door.

Walking to my front door I stopped her.  She wasn’t going to walk out anyway.  Lyssa was in tears at my front door.  Asking her back into my room, I couldn’t even look into her eyes.  Eventually I turned the television off and we lay next to each other on the ground.  Lyssa couldn’t go to sleep and didn’t want to be at my house, as we kept talking about the problem.

Lyssa told me how upset she was that everyone else that is a partner seemed to be happy except for Lyssa and I.  Ali and Penelope, Kiley and Kieran, Constantine and her boyfriend, Velda and her boyfriend, they were all happy being with each other.  Then here is Lyssa and I, who although we are happy, want to break up.

I can’t help but to think that Jewell is a big reason that I want to break up with Lyssa.  That’s the only thing that’s helping me.  If it wasn’t for Jewell then I would hold onto Lyssa for a very long time.  I’m sorry to say but part of that is true.  Then again, when I’m walking on the street and see girls I can’t talk to, then I get sad.

Discuss Our Relationship In Decline

When we were talking about breaking up, an earlier time came into conversation.  Basically I said, we will probably part our ways sometime before the end of this year.  Lyssa started to cry at the fact that I don’t love her 100%, I comforted her and held her tight.  Through the night I shed a few tears too because I know I don’t want to lose Lyssa.  We are both too used to each other now.  The thought of losing Lyssa hurts me deep.  

Lyssa and I were caught in a moment last night as we lay in each other’s arms, tightly squeezing not wanting to let go.

Thinking upon the future, I always think to myself who was I meant to be with.  Lyssa wants to travel the world she told me last night.  She wants her partner to travel the world with her.  It would be fun.  Lyssa also told me she’s never thought about getting married before, cross the bridge when it comes to it.  Lyssa thought of having a baby with me only once, and that was when she thought she might be pregnant.  Lyssa and I both know that we won’t be with each other forever, but right now it’s too early.

I wish my true feelings weren’t surfaced because this now blankets all events we attend.  For example, meeting her dad this Friday night won’t be that much of a celebration.  Instead of him meeting his daughter’s boyfriend, he’ll be seeing the guy that used to go out with his daughter.  Although Lyssa and I aren’t broken up, that will be the situation.  

When Lyssa and I head for the Novotel in two weeks time, it won’t be the same.  Lyssa is now thinking not to buy the skirt, because in her mind it probably won’t be appropriate.  It kills me inside to know this.

What am I to do?  When last night finally hit home on my feelings, I realized that Lyssa means a lot more than what I take her for granted for.  For the fact that I don’t write Lyssa any more meaningful poems and dedicate my money to her 100%, I give it to other things like the CD, and I hate myself for it.  

When you love two people, it kills to know it, but seeing Lyssa cry made me realize how much I love her.  

Is Jewell Worth Losing Lyssa For?

It brought pains in my chest and tears to my eyes watching Lyssa cry, knowing how much she loved me and that she loved me 100%.  It made me feel bad knowing that I’ve been behind her back for so long and that she’s so good not to even attempt to argue about the fact that I call Jewell on the phone.

Whenever it happens, seeing Lyssa out of my life will be the loneliest day in my life.  

What if it wasn’t supposed to be?  

What if Lyssa and I were meant to be, at least for a year or more?  

Cherished are the days that Lyssa and I are together now, we both know that.  Lyssa told me she could only think of the day I finally say to her that it’s over.

My feelings for Jewell at the moment have been overwhelmed by what I feel for Lyssa.  Truly, I will be giving up real love in hopes of finding it again.  Sure Lyssa and I don’t get along sometimes but there are so many things about her personality that light up my life and make me smile.  

It’s come to the point where I think of the CD and artwork I’m making for Jewell and think “Is it worth it?  Is it worth losing Lyssa over?”  

The truth of the fact is no and I wish I didn’t let it.  What will kill me the most is that when Lyssa and I will become friends, friendship will soon become diminished after I get back with Jewell.  No more can I call her and see how she’s doing, and it will kill me inside.  

I’m caught in a deadly triangle.  

I hurt and don’t know what has to be done.

Lyssa Cries In My Arms

Lyssa and I eventually stopped the tears from flowing on Monday night and went to sleep at 1am.  In the morning Kiley called up because I didn’t have an alarm and she was waking Lyssa up.  As Lyssa jumped up, she had a shower and then came back in the room.  

Tired as Lyssa was, she didn’t want to attend College.  Telling her to lie down, she decided to stay at my house.  Cradling her in my arms, we lay down.  Tears once again came to our eyes.