An Outpouring Of Emotions
Once again I stopped writing, the reason this time, I just felt like calling Lyssa up on the phone. Lyssa was in the middle of watching Beverly Hills 90210. I called her on commercial break. Lyssa answered the phone.
With thoughts fresh in my head of what I had written in my Diary, teary eyed, as they were most of the day, I started speaking to Lyssa. Telling Lyssa how much I loved her, she started to comfort me. I couldn’t believe that I was contemplating breaking up with Lyssa. It was just depressing.
Upset, I just let out all my emotions and couldn’t hold myself back. There we sat for half an hour, teary eyed, in sorrow. I had to make sure that I told Lyssa how much she meant to me and how much I loved her. Not being able to hold my emotions back, I know Lyssa was happy that I was letting all these feelings out, showing her how much I appreciate her.
Lyssa and I ended the conversation around 9:30pm so Lyssa could go to sleep. Content with that, I said goodnight to Lyssa and then paused for a couple of minutes as I gathered my thoughts.
Canvass The Idea To Meet
In that instant, I thought of calling Jewell. In my head, I had to make sure that all these feelings for Lyssa were right. To test myself I thought to call Jewell, see how my feelings would change towards her. Before I called Jewell, my head was telling me that I should see her so I could really justify whether I am meant to be with Jewell or if Lyssa and I were meant to be for as long as we want.
Lyssa really brought out the ‘who’ of who I am.
Jewell answered the phone as usual. Still upset and talking incoherent, Jewell noticed at first. Soon my voice changed. I was trying to put on a happier voice. That soon turned to the reality of who I am and my real voice. Speaking to Jewell tonight I never brought up any real issues. Rather, I delicately worked my way into introducing a meeting for Jewell and I.
After our small talk we sat there for an hour discussing whether we should meet to talk or not. This meeting to me would mean that I would be able to place all my feelings into perspective and be able to judge what I really want and what’s right and wrong. Jewell was pessimistic and didn’t want to meet.
What I offered was to meet in Burwood, talk over a coffee or tea (better to understand than having something to eat), and upon that decide whether there is still any chemistry between us, an attraction. I’m not going to lose Lyssa over something I’m not too sure about. The stakes would be different if Lyssa and I broke up on our own terms and then I left for Jewell.
Decision To Pause Second Dedications CD
Jewell told me she would seriously think about meeting me but found more negative effects than being optimistic about our meeting. Jewell could solve some important issues and can solve something we talked about, should she find someone else because it has been so long. In my situation now I would encourage that but not before I have seen her, so that we definitely know.
I’ve been thinking now is the CD worth it? Taking this time and money away from Lyssa just isn’t right. I should wait until it is right to start it all back up. Lyssa wants to go on a holiday with me. I really think after all we have done, a holiday for the both of us will top off our existence together as a happy couple. Only then will we have done all that can be done together that will have made us happy. Only then will it be great to move on.
Because of this thought in my head, stopping the latter part of the CD will have to be done to save money and pay bills. I’ve also been putting off work. Maybe this move will be for the better in that realism.
Feeling Stuck In This Love Triangle
Jewell also told me how she is leaving for Queensland in a month’s time with her parents. When her school holidays are up, she is leaving.
Jewell also told me some bad news. Two Saturday’s ago, Jewell had a serious occasion at her house. Having been skipping a lot of meals lately, her arms seized up and she couldn’t move them. Jewell started to panic. As she was paralyzed and crying, she called for her mum. They took her to hospital where she was placed into casualty. The doctors told her she was becoming anorexic. Most people including me refute the diagnosis. Jewell weighs 40 kilos now, but I think a good weight would be around 43 kilos.
Jewell and I ended the conversation abruptly around the time I started to write this. Not everything had been said and done but it was time to go. Jewell told me she would think about what I said, but I know she’s stubborn and probably won’t agree to it, which means I will never know and I will stay in this state. This is where I don’t want to be, stuck between two people and feeling guilty.
Feeling Emotionally Exhausted
Now it’s almost time to go to sleep having written this. I know I haven’t explained about Saturday night and from then forth until I started talking from Monday morning. Just to brief me before I go to sleep.
I’m really sleepy now. I think my muscles are aching. I’m weary because of all the tense pressure I’ve been through and all the sadness and distress I’ve been put through.
Lyssa is calling me tomorrow morning before 10am, so I have to go to sleep now because I don’t have an alarm to wake me up. Gotta go.
Diary Of A Mad Chaos is a daily diary written from March 1996 until today, of which individual books and book series have been created, namely “The Lost Years” an exploration of young, entwined love, the “Wubao In China (猎艳奇缘)” book series which provides an extensive comparative analysis of the cultural differences between Eastern and Western societies, and the book titled “Foreigner (华人)” an exploration of race relations in Australia.
