Feud Over Diary Continues With Lyssa – Mad Chaos: December 1, 1997

Once again it is a new month and with this new month, it has started sad and true, with lots of thought on emotion. 

Choosing Lyssa Over Work

Today getting up for work after a talk with Lyssa last night I had a lot to think of.  Walking to work I had more hassle thinking what everyone would think of me that I took the day off on Friday to be with Lyssa. 

Lyssa got angry at me when I told her that I might have to work on Friday because they weren’t giving me the day off.  If I didn’t go to work I wouldn’t get paid to take Lyssa out and treat her good every week and I wouldn’t get a good reference from work.  If I did take the day off like I did, then I wouldn’t have to worry about looking at my watch every minute wondering when I had to be at work, and Lyssa would be all happy that I chose her over me working or treating her nice. 

So that’s what I did.

I chose her once again, favoring her over my job and money, like I always do.

Jaded With My Unappreciated Effort

I don’t think that Lyssa realizes all that I do for her.  I work a long week, get up at 6am while Lyssa’s still fast asleep in bed and I get ready for work everyday, even though I hate it most of the time.  Working hard everyday, thinking about Lyssa and how much she will appreciate what I do for her.  Then spending all of my money on the weekend, for what?

What amazes me is that Lyssa can go out and buy a new dress and scam money from her mum to go night clubbing every weekend, but she can’t afford to say, “Here’s some money Tony, to help you for showing me a good night tonight,” and give the same money to me. 

It’s just the thought of her depending on me and my money as if I have to show her a good time and she doesn’t have to worry about how much it’s costing me. 

It is that I worked hard for five long days in a cramped up little room with no view, just a jail where all I do is work, and all for Lyssa, to satisfy her, to give her what she wants. 

I don’t’ mind doing that for her but a relationship is give and take, not just take.

Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman Scorned

When Lyssa and I had an argument on Sunday she wanted to take back everything she’d given to me in the last five months.  She even wanted to take the pictures.  I’d never do that to her.  I’d never say, “Give me back my g–string and those three months I worked to give you the best formal I could possibly give.”

For Lyssa to want to take the smallest things like a 20 cent moon ring that stabbed me at the start of the relationship and I kept, or a comb that she had let me keep, is selfish and stupid.  Basically she wanted to take back five months, and she wanted to be a virgin, she wished she hadn’t lost it with me.  That just broke me to hear her say that, like all that I’d done for her in that time wasn’t good enough for her.  Because we had a piss ass argument, she wanted everything back.

Martinson Engineering Work – Monday

Work was weird today.  Nathan didn’t say nothing about me taking a day off.  He was too angry.  All he done was comment to Salman how younger people like spending weekends playing while there’s work at hand. 

I tried to call Lyssa at lunch today.  She wasn’t home.  That aggravated me more.  I found out that she was out shopping with her friends. 

Coming home from work I tried to call her again and I didn’t get a response.

Lyssa Calls To Blow Me Off

While I was catching the bus home I received a call.  I was expecting Lyssa to talk to me.  Instead I got this. 

“Hello.  I’m just ringing to tell you that I won’t be able to talk to you tonight.” 

“Why not” I say? 

“Because I’m going out to Bondi tonight to have dinner at a restaurant.” 

That alone pissed me off but then to hear she was going for a Pizza with all the girls and Emanuel and that she had money to pay for it pissed me off more. 

She told me that this would be the only time that I could talk to her.  So we talked, but I was pissed off because my money wasn’t good enough for her that she had to visit a restaurant with her friends.

It pissed me off to think her thoughts would have been that I don’t satisfy her enough and I wouldn’t be good enough to take her to a restaurant. 

I started asking about why she wouldn’t give me back the moon ring she took from my house.  She started getting angry and started getting more pissed off.  She told me that I don’t deserve it because it doesn’t mean anything to me. 

After that I was real pissed off.  We hung up the phone. 

She was probably thinking, “It’s alright.  I’ll go out with my friends tonight and have a good time without Tony,” and I was stuck to think how rude Lyssa was.

Not Equal Partners In Our Relationship

I was wrong to ever think that Lyssa and I would be half and half in our relationship.  I’ve tried so much to give her what she wants and make her happy, but what I give just doesn’t satisfy her.  The fights usually start because I’m unhappy, because she wants more and I can’t give it. 

I give her pretty much everything that money can buy without complaint, when I have it.  Never do I ask Lyssa about money or for her to help me out.

Lyssa doesn’t realize what bills are and what money means when there’s nothing left an hour after you’ve been paid, because it’s all gone on bills and the weekend.  Lyssa’s never received a bill in her life and hasn’t been too responsible with money. 

All I’ve asked of Lyssa was for her to not smoke around me, but not to quit because that’s too much to ask.  When I caught her having a smoke she was sorry but not without argument, which she started because I was angry. 

To me, that’s Lyssa’s way of rubbing it in my face, apart from her taking everything she’d ever given to me, the whole one dollar and twenty cents of if.  How selfish is that.

Ali Gives Bielka Rude Prank Call

Ali came over to my house.  After a little talk about the weekend he called Penelope because he wanted to see if she was with Lyssa and the girls.  We had to call Bielka’s mum to get her new number and then Ali called up. 

He decided to have some fun with them and pretended in a stupid voice that he was a secret admirer of Bielka’s.  None of them had a clue it was his voice.  They all went along with it.  Ali did get rude along the way. 

When he talked to Penelope she didn’t even recognize his voice.  Lyssa was in the background probably thinking I had something to do with it all along.  Ali got heaps rude to Emanuel only because he was rude first.  Then the phone cut out because the battery was flat.

Lyssa Rings To Question Me

A minute later I got a call to my phone at home.  Ali told me not to give it up.  Feeling heaps rude Lyssa got on the phone and asked me lots of questions.  She made me swear that I had nothing to do with it.  I didn’t want to lie to Lyssa because of Ali so I told her.  Then she sounded heaps pissed off at me, even though I told her I had nothing to do with it.  We hung up the phone.

Then Ali called up to talk to Penelope.  He talked to Penelope and told her that I had nothing to do with it for Lyssa’s sake.

Suspicious Of Lyssa’s Intentions

Then he started asking her where they were going and why.  Lyssa was the first to yell it out over the phone like she thought I was monitoring the whole conversation.  The thing is, why go all the way to Bondi to have a Pizza when you can have it in Campbelltown?  Just take away an hours drive there and back. 

What Ali was thinking was that there’s probably a new nightclub that’s opening there and they were checking it out.  That has some truth in the girls aren’t just going to Bondi to eat pizza and leave.  There has to be something else involved that Lyssa didn’t tell me.

Ali asked, “Why do you have to go to Bondi to eat at a restaurant?”

Penelope’s response to Ali was, “Well, you never take me anywhere,” in such a voice of hate that I could hear it loud and clear from where I was standing.  I could also hear the silence after she said that from both sides of the phone.

“I can’t believe you said that,” whispers in the car followed.

Ali got so pissed off he just hung up the phone, and that was it.

Sharing Entitled Girlfriend Stories With Ali

Ali was over my house for the next one hour, as we talked about the incident that just happened.  He told me that Penelope wants everything on a golden platter served to her on hands and knees, like she’s in a fantasy land and she’s the queen, and she doesn’t have to worry about money or expense. 

Ali told me how on formal night Penelope took off one of her rings and gave it to Ali.  As he mucked around with it, Penelope demanded him to get down on his hands and knees and place it on her ring finger.  To be a smart ass he got on the ground on his hands and knees.  As soon as he did, Penelope screamed out “Look Lyssa!  Look!” 

If that wasn’t embarrassing enough, she got everyone to look as Ali was on his knees, as if he was a showcase, something Penelope could show off.

Penelope wanted the whole world to know that Ali was on his hands and knees for her, and she was above him, like a queen in her fantasy land. 

Ali reacted to that, placed the ring on her pinky and walked away, leaving Penelope stunned.  Personally I wouldn’t take that.  For someone to treat me as their toy, something to make them look good to friends is not right.  But that’s Penelope.  When Ali gets angry with her, I understand.

Ali Shares The Good Side Of Penelope

He also told me that Penelope and him have great times in the nude.  The night Ali dropped Lyssa and I off on Saturday night him and Penelope drove to a lookout.  He told me Penelope went off. 

From what I’m about to say I feel that Penelope is only after one thing, making herself feel good and only getting what’s best for her and what will make her look good.  She doesn’t think about Ali’s feelings.

They were doing everything imaginable with all their clothes off except for Penelope’s g-string.  They were going at it hard.  Penelope was having her big “O” because she could feel it.  All Ali was getting was a sore head on his dick because of all the friction. 

Ali told me that Penelope puts Ali’s dick just there in her but doesn’t let him have fun, doesn’t let it go all the way or any of the way.  Penelope would be jumping around like crazy acting like it was real sex.  She would be getting the same satisfaction, but Ali would only be getting a sore dick. 

Then when they were done, Penelope would say, “Let’s go baby.  I’m tired.  Thanks for the night,” and then leave. 

I’m amazed at how Penelope can go so far already and not that last step.  It’s obvious that she’s getting all that she needs, her satisfaction, so why should Ali deserve to get what he wants.

Ali Hears I Am Arguing With Lyssa

I told Ali that Lyssa and I were also arguing.  He told me he’s never heard Lyssa go so sick at him before.  When Lyssa found out it was Ali, or when the whole car found out, Lyssa was the one to blow him up, not Penelope, not Bielka but Lyssa.  Ali told me he’s never heard her so angry before. 

The reason Lyssa was so angry was because of me.  She thought I was behind it all, so she thought she’d be the angry one.

Writing A Letter To Jewell

Lucky Ali came over today though because I was going to release my stress in other ways.  My computer and listening to music got boring so I was going to call Jewell because I haven’t talked to her for over three weeks.  Lucky I didn’t. 

There is a letter that I’m sending to Jewell in the mail tomorrow though.  It’s not a letter of love but just a letter of intrigue.  It won’t even say who it’s from.  It won’t be in my writing, I’ll just leave her guessing. 

I’m figuring that she’ll call me and try to trick it out of me, but I won’t tell her it was from me until the right day comes.  Here’s the article.

There are many untruths written on my hands, many stories which hath embedded sculptures doust and in every intricate detail.

Hands of purity these were and that which have swept its enormity and have flowed through my veins with only thee, a memory of when these hands that were so pure in essence were unscathed.

No battles torn a scar and no hatred spoken to the four evil winds.

These hands as torn as do I bleed, bearing flesh and upon pain does manifest, like a river, a stream to a pool of water, to stop and see the stain of a rose, blood coursed as petals begin to fall.

Swept thee memories away of a field once full of grass so green and blissful in the presence of nature and none can imagine the beauty, none…

Remembrance as do I bleed for all the right reasons, or for wrong…

As the petals of the Rose doust fall to the ground, so to an image will appear, fair of a stem that was lifeless and blind to colour, of an innocence that was sought and distressed.

The river does flow eternally and does the water run dry, and that of a petal from a Rose, to care for and nurture, make pure once again, healing the flow of blood as a vision of the past.  Forth has been forgotten, as the hands so sovereign that hath battled and bled, hath healed.

Of the Nineteenth year, forth to thee fourteenth hour, as the ninth month forth to thee sixteenth day, Forth to the fifth minute of yonder as the eighteenth is the signature of my hand.

An hour and seven pages later I’m ready to go to sleep. 

Unsure About My Relationship Status

I’m not sure what Lyssa and I will be after tomorrow or who will call, what we’ll talk about, or if we’ll even enjoy each other’s company.  Things will come to an end this month I see. 

Ali might be moving to Granville today.  That will be a big change to who I hang out with.  It’ll just be me. 

Everyone else is too busy to see me, even Imad.

Lyssa and I, well I don’t know about us.  Maybe we’ll be together.  She has what she’s wanted.  She can leave now happy.  The formal is over.  The pressure to perform is over.  Now if she wants to go out to fancy restaurants she can, and already has without me, having fun without me. 

A fight over what?  Because she flipped? 

I was on her having a mad weekend, mucking around with her as I’m a playful person.  She literally pushed me off her and ignored me.  I had the right to be angry, and I was.  I didn’t want to talk to her so she got pissed off and wanted to go home.  She’s done it before.  She’s a professional by now.

I don’t know what to think, I’ve written too much and not gotten too angry.  I don’t want to start now. 

Lyssa Hurt By Words In My Diary

One more thing I have to say.  When Lyssa and I had a fight because she read my Diary, she always referred back to it.  Then she told me when she left that I’d have lots of hurtful things to say in my diary. 

When Lyssa and I went back through it, all I saw that was hurtful was the second day of September.  For the rest of the month I was the best I could be to her. 

I guess Lyssa can only see the bad things I do for her.  That one day she remembered as hatred over the loving I gave all through the life of our relationship.  Life’s fucked.