How do I feel the pain once again, once again my heart is torn into pieces. There is no satisfaction of having your body ache from inside, from within you. It hurts. Why do I put myself in this state? Why do I play these games?
Having Lyssa On My Mind
Skipping most of the day, I had Lyssa on my mind. So when Ali came over, I proposed we take them out.
Lyssa asked me to tape Melrose Place for her, so I done that.
Wanting to satisfy Lyssa with my affection, I set out to do so, just as I tried with my poems, with my flowers and my talking on the phone. Hurtful are my thoughts to think that Lyssa didn’t seem to appreciate my gifts of the heart.
Her friends seemed to appreciate the letters more. Her mum loved the flowers more than Lyssa. The only thing she appreciates lately only is my talking on the phone.
Before she would always want to get off the phone shortly after me ALWAYS ringing her. Over time I’ve grown attuned to her stubbornness.
Tonight I hurt deeply by the constant lack of any noticeable affection. When I hold the pain inside and close my eyes, my hurt grows deeper. Never do I want Lyssa or anyone else to see how much I’m hurting because I don’t want them to think or feel for me. Neither do I want my pain to be the turning point of mine and Lyssa’s relationship together, not wanting Lyssa to feel sorry for me.
Why have I given and given and given and never received back!
Lyssa always tells me that her friends think she’s bad for not ever giving me anything back in the relationship. She will return her thanks in affection and feel but only if I ask her or place her hands like a puppet. Never do I want to treat her as a puppet, moving her strings to my satisfaction.
Conflicted Feelings Strolling With Lyssa
Taking Lyssa to a park in Camden today we walked a track that was beautifully foggy where you couldn’t see in front of you. The bushes and trees were drooped over the sky and the clouds and stars were alight in the sky. Lyssa didn’t really care, but I did. So I carried on with thoughts only in my mind.
When Lyssa would ask if anything was wrong I’d put on a smile and act like I usually act. That was the most deepest pain imaginable, to hide my pain from the one that hurts me, and it happened more than once.
There Ali and Penelope were, happy with each other. Penelope didn’t feel ashamed of taking a hold of Ali’s hand or showing him she cared, I had no luck.
There we sat away from Ali and Penelope in a foggy forest walkway. Sitting on the ground I got very angry of always being the one to hold her hand and put my arms around her.
Penelope once said that I was a good person because I would always make Lyssa happy by going to her. It makes me sad that I’m thinking something different. Why should I hold someone that can’t give back their emotions to me? Why should I have to put up with that?
The Church struck 9pm and I gave Lyssa a kiss. She either always interrupts with conversation or moves into a harder location for me to grasp.
Coming back from our sit down, we were walking and I found it a struggle to hold Lyssa’s hand. She wouldn’t let me hold her. She pushed me away because she was playing around. Why do I need rejection?
Fuck rejection! I fucken hate rejection and I fucken hate people who give it to me!
In Real Emotional Pain Due To Lyssa
Now, in my Diary is the first time I’m starting to get real fucken pissed off with Lyssa. In my Diary I never swear often but the moment has caught my attention and I sometimes wonder if she knows what she’s doing to me.
I’m in real pain and I need her help.
After getting angry, I asked her to hold my hand, I had to ask her, and she held it.
Coming back home I didn’t hold her hand. Instead, I closed my eyes and listened to the sadder songs of “Silk”. They tore me apart. I felt the pain all over my body inside.
Feeling Despair On The Ride Home
All the way home my arm was under Lyssa’s leg. I didn’t make very much attempt to show her I was there. Lyssa made none.
Feeling like getting out of the car and making thousands of dollars worth of damage once again, I held my pain inside afraid that I’ll lose something not worth losing if I let my emotions out. That’s what I’m afraid of. If I get angry with Lyssa then I’ll lose her. Something stupid will have been said. She’s not worth losing, but right now, I’m torn in two.
Dropping Lyssa off first, I got out of the car, and she was about to walk away. I had to grab her hand to make her realize I was there. Giving her a kiss, I looked in her eyes and only told her “goodbye.”
Ali dropped Penelope off. I was so confused I needed to drive. Driving Alis’ Celica to my house I relieved some stress behind the wheel. Now it’s time to sleep it off.
The Danger Of Hating All Women
What I feel like doing is just not worrying about calling Lyssa. Why do I need to call her when she doesn’t understand (Rule 2) and isn’t affectionate enough (Rule 1) to my taste.
I’m not asking of much from Lyssa.
I just want Lyssa to understand what she means to me, and how I am in pain.
I want her to help me back out of the hole she made me dig up.
I hate all women but I don’t want to hate Lyssa. Lately that has been happening. Maybe Lyssa has come to rely on me making the first move and has grown used to it.
From tomorrow I’m going to ring her up for the last time and tell her different. No more am I going to call her everyday. Instead I want her to call me and make me feel wanted and needed, instead of always having to wonder if Lyssa really wants to be there when I call her.
No more do I want to plan weekends with her. She can do whatever she wants, and if she wants to include me in her plans then I won’t care that much. Having thought about that, I’m wondering if Lyssa is already living on these principles.
Martinson Engineering Work – Tuesday
Breaking out of that depressing topic, waking up today for work at Martinson Engineering without Ringo was challenging. At work today was once again stressful. I was writing a letter of resignation, but someone would always walk in and I would wipe it.
Thinking of quitting Martinson Engineering at the end of this week I might stay for longer, not knowing how long. What I do know is that the job at hand is very stressful to me. I’m starting to feel the bite real hard. That coupled with Lyssa not being affectionate makes it worse.
There were a lot of mistakes made at work today, a lot of extra paper wasted. But today wasn’t all that bad. Luckily, if I stay with this job for over two months then I’ll have enough to claim a loan for my first car.
I’m sleepy and angry now so I’m going to sleep off my pain.
Diary Of A Mad Chaos is a daily diary written from March 1996 until today, of which individual books and book series have been created, namely “The Lost Years” an exploration of young, entwined love, the “Wubao In China (猎艳奇缘)” book series which provides an extensive comparative analysis of the cultural differences between Eastern and Western societies, and the book titled “Foreigner (华人)” an exploration of race relations in Australia.
