Reading upon my old entries, I have come to the reality that I really do love and care for Lyssa. If I were with her now, I would treat her so delicately, as if she was once again my princess as the first days, but with more understanding.
I recall now when Lyssa used to get sick, in the back of my mind I used to think that she was only doing it for attention. But instead of turning my shoulder these days, I would comfort Lyssa with my words and show her how much I love her, heal her body with my mind.
Reading Back On Phone Calls
Now the night is getting long, as I have been here for at least two hours, reading old diary entries starting from February and continuing until early May. The reason for this venture was to find out key clues to why my relationship was ending with Lyssa and how much I talked of Jewell. In truth, words of Jewell were scarce and rarely talked of outside of our phone calls.
Only until early May did I start getting obsessed with my phone calls. That’s about when I started hiding calls from Lyssa. That I do regret.
One day my conscience will be clear and Lyssa will know the truth.
Also, in truth, around this time that I was shying away from Lyssa, she was also distancing herself. She was going out more with her friends. More importantly, the calls she was receiving from Jermaine were starting to get to me.
Now we know that Lyssa thought nothing of Jermaine, but while she was talking with him over the phone and had not seen him (as I did not see Jewell for over a year and was curious) she must have been curious.
Phone Cheating With Jewell
Lyssa has an attentive eye when it comes to spotting my cheating ways. What I noticed was when I conjured the first ideas for the CD (which were in early March) Lyssa started getting suspicious of my phone calls to Jewell.
For the next two conversations I had with Jewell, Lyssa tried to hinder and interrupt our discussion. Lyssa would have me call her back after half an hour and try to control my conversation with Jewell, but it didn’t work well. Being sneaky and foolish, I called Jewell after finishing my conversation with Lyssa, two phone calls in one night.
Now I know I was selfish and stupid to even call Jewell. Lyssa even noticed when I had a small attraction for Nikita. We talked on occasion about how I thought Penelope was good-looking back in the days, and recently.
My phone cheating began in late February as I have looked back in my diary to find this out. Not exactly cheating, but we did go deeper in our conversation than we should have.
A big no-no was talking about our past relationship. I can honestly say that having Jewell speak of our past brought out my weakness.
Second Dedications CD Origins
The idea for the actual CD didn’t come by thinking of Jewell, but rather by my musical talent. One day I mixed a song on my computer for the first time and thinking it was great I needed a use for it.
That use was found in my idea to create a CD. Having already made one for Jewell, I thought to try it again.
The idea for the CD started getting scratchy around the start of April. Starting from February, the idea was just that, an idea in my head where I thought I would one day be able to complete it, when I was finished with Lyssa. But as I progressed to believe in my musical skills, I also started getting more interested in my talents, and thus became more interested in my CD.
This was not directly for Jewell and my feelings towards her. Rather, I would like to believe that the reason I finished the second Dedications CD was not for the feeling of Jewell seeing it and becoming astounded, but for the fact that I could accomplish something like this.
Around April was the time I started taking pictures and becoming secretive.
The Guess Jeans Girl
Let me also note now that every time I came across something that reminded me of Jewell and I still had it, I would search for it in my house and discard it. For example, the picture of the Guess Jeans girl that I used in the artwork I now have here ready to throw out. When I look at this picture, I see no emotions.
What else I am thinking of throwing out is the song I wrote called “Tonight As We Sat Down” that I spent so much time at the studios on. I basically dedicated that song to Jewell’s memory and my obsession with it. Still, I have a cassette tape of that day. Even though I should keep it for the fact that it was more musical than spawn of Jewell’s infatuation, I might end up throwing it out or hiding it deep in darkness.
Wistful Over Pet Names
There were a lot of things regarding Lyssa and I that made me laugh and feel sad. For one, the constant use of words such as ‘ello bubbie’, ‘What cha doin’ and our pet names of ‘Puppy Dog’ for Lyssa and ‘Bumblebee’ for me. That brought a smile to my face.
Half of this stuff was vague to my memory. I read how Lyssa used ‘Bumblebee’ as a password for her St. George account and ‘Bubbie’ as her computer password at college.
There was also how Lyssa slept with ‘Misty Moo For You’ a couple of times after she had received my gift. It’s things like this that I forget and get angry about because for the reason that I forgot such a playful side that Lyssa and I held.
Misty Moo is now back on my computer. Even though I don’t have the picture of Lyssa and I back up, I think that shouldn’t be put up, as it is memories of the past. Rather, that photo frame will be filled with a new loving picture that I can hold of Lyssa once we get back together, if we do.
The Question Of Patching Things Up
If Lyssa and I get back together, I will never let anyone push her around and will be more strong for her protection. No one will ever have a bad word about her as long as I am around, and I won’t let myself be pushed around either.
That leads me to say that there was always competition there between Ali and Penelope, so what better way to release some tension than not to know Ali and Penelope anymore? If Lyssa and I do get back together, having them out of our lives will keep that unneeded competition from our minds.
Just before I leave my thoughts tonight, in the eyes of the beholder, let me just say one more thing.
I miss how Lyssa feels when I have my arm under her head for comfort and I hold her close to my body as we both sleep, hand in hand. I miss how she talks in her sleep, while I sit there looking at her cute face, her eyes closed shut, and so delicate her body. Lyssa I love, no one else.
Diary Of A Mad Chaos is a daily diary written from March 1996 until today, of which individual books and book series have been created, namely “The Lost Years” an exploration of young, entwined love, the “Wubao In China (猎艳奇缘)” book series which provides an extensive comparative analysis of the cultural differences between Eastern and Western societies, and the book titled “Foreigner (华人)” an exploration of race relations in Australia.
