How Rebellion Leads To Personal Growth – Mad Chaos: August 1, 2001

Consider Forming A New Rap Group

Everyone trips.  Imad seemed to trip tonight when we were talking over the internet, while mine seemed to be altogether for a change.  I trip when seeing them, or having faith in myself, but it’s starting to fade now. 

The new lyrics (which want me to bring in the two boys down since day one) are a great focus on that, making me have some direction and drive again.  Musically it seems to be taking off, and it’s only right to lift the real boys out with me, as a release, if they want.  I have some doubts, like whether they would want to consider it, or whether they think it would be too much pressure, but if it presses together, it’ll be something sick.

A History Of Friendships

The boys were my first real friends.  My memory of living in Tempe from 1979 to 1988 (year 4 in school) is dusty but most of the people around there were “nothing” friends.  I was heaps young then though, and family to me was too easy a thing for having friends. 

In a way, moving away from Tempe in 1988 allowed me to snap out of my daydream and wake up.  The move up here to Bradbury was in time for grade four, and there were friends found there, like Johnnie but he’s moved on now.  Johnnie disappeared when it came to high school when he got himself acquainted within a different crowd, the both of us then growing apart from the good old days camping out in his backyard.

High school, however, also changed me.  It could have been the start of the true self-conscious because it exposed me to the real world, having to grow up that extra step and having extra senses to emotion, like the fear of failure in their eyes.  The world suddenly wasn’t as comfy to just exist on.  You had all these other expectations to worry about.  That’s when you suddenly needed people to depend on.

Imad and Jett were those people in high school, and unlike everyone else, they stuck with me through it all until today.  They both understood me as me with them. 

Others came together, but the three of us were like tying elastic rope around my arms, and on either one of them. 

Jett has heaps of respect for Imad as Imad does for Jett but both of them knew each other through me, sussing each other out and chilling.

How We All Kept It Real

The three of us never all hung out together at school.  Jett was the real in the way that he was working hard, keeping his head out of trouble, rebelling against his parents and trying to get up out the game by making something of himself. 

Imad was real because he was the one that always stood up for himself, never let anyone bigger pick on him without beating him mentally first.  He stepped up mentally, but because we were both so dull-minded back then, it never fully had an effect.

I was the misunderstood one, not enough to call me a foreigner, never liked work, but unlike the cool kids, wasn’t cool for not doing it.  I was the quiet one that stuck to only a couple of close friends, those that extended their hand instead of waiting for me to make the head-down attempt at feared rejection (in the big world). 

Everyone tripped back then for different reasons and it’s the same these days.  We all came from our different paths and related to each other, but in different ways, respectfully.  They could either front the flavor and fear the failure at the end, or not. 

Curbing My Marijuana Addiction

Rapping and my memoirs are my things for keeping it real.  Maybe they don’t have as much an ethical accord, but they can express themselves in this way if they choose.

Smoking marijuana makes you paranoid and dulls your enthusiastic optimism, but why always talk up the self-conscious with reflections on his history line?  Makes no sense to get into the habit of talking myself down anymore.  Smoking definitely makes me paranoid and it’s no longer a hazy truth anymore; it’s intense.  There has to be a balance between the both because Jett doesn’t smoke at all, while Imad is a human pipe. 

There should be one smoke of weed every three weeks from now, with some time away from the skips to balance out an emotional imbalance, acting like a black hole.  Like a towel that gets wetter the more it dries, so too is my arm-hold with the self-conscious since days of new responsibilities.  Use it too often and it’s never fully dry, always stinky, and an obvious wet, off odor.  Shower less and have more time to yourself but suffer the personal stink.  You need a balance, or decide what worst case you would rather. 

The Heart Of Rebellion

I’m the type of person that hates the towel always wet, hypothetically.  The other two, in my mind would be those that would rather have more time chasing dreams, like they had done.  Jett thought of the fire brigade once before being sidetracked with a stable job (and woman), while Imad headed down the other track, taking the nomadic choice to move out, wing it on his own and learn the hard way.  Mine was still maturing back then, basically because my sheltered life was like a baby in a cot; you can stand up on your feet and try to look out, but you’re too young for the thought of jumping to even excite you.

People have always wanted to know what they can’t for some reason.  We all want to know what lies over that next mountain and are curious for it, but it takes different times for different people before they finally mature into focused thoughts.  Jett was pushed into it because he rebelled against his parents.  Imad pushed himself into it rebelling against life and the grind that he knows is ahead of him, willing to take him up if he’s willing to take up the hard yards.

I never rebelled at a young age basically because my parents chose never to discipline me, because of how my brother turned out.  Knowing something like that would fuck you up mentally, so much so that life would seem surreal.  You wouldn’t know how to cope with real life because you were never given the chance to rebel, so how does one relate that first success to the real world, after the needed nurturing?  My rebellion was more contrived than anything, but as much from the heart as the heart of rebellion from the boys.  Mine was just late to mature because the trigger (rebellion) never set me off at the ripe age.

Smoking Marijuana Stunts Personal Growth

Smoking sidetracked me yet again from keeping it real.  Now, it’s going to take more than a car to escape my first belated defect. 

Moving out is the next step, slowing down on the weed in the meanwhile, treating work without contempt and hanging back out with the boys. 

Life sidetracked me there for a while, but it’s coming back on the rails now, in a new, improved way, and you be sure to read up when it rolls in baby, magnified with class.

The boys at work would keep me in check because then there would be something real to hold me back from tripping.  You can’t act yourself in front of people at work, always standoffish because they don’t know me, haven’t stepped beside me all my life and have opinions that could poorly taint the self-conscious. 

Jett and Imad seem to handle the social adjustment situation because they’ve had more years experience to relate to.  My time to step up has just about come but it could be too late to have them step back, into this domain?

The Recorded Sessions

The artistic side of me tends to click on in sudden spurts, spurred on by weeks of blank musing.  One night was all it took to see things so clearly, and then convert that to some rhymes to relate to, rubber-stamping that certain moment that night with a final product, the recorded sessions.

The writer was my way of keeping it real.  Now on the other level comes the artistic.  Move on over cause he pushing through, and cause he branches off the writer, he doesn’t care.  Keep this side of me on the high, while the reds are on the mend.  Keep me drier these days, instead of, instead of stinking like a towel.

You have to bring rapping from the heart too though.  You have to tone yourself up to the point where you have all the right emotions showing up at all the right moments, still sounding tight and realer than lacing vocals over a beat in segments.  Rap a whole message in one go but train yourself so that you won’t have to rely on compromising the respectfulness of it.  You have to rap from the guts.