The Eve Straightens Me Out – Mad Chaos: August 3, 2001

Personality Types & Forming Relationships

I reckon the self-conscious was on his road to an emotional (or nervous) breakdown, like Mariah Carey had when finding younger chicks were getting all the attention, something that the timid older woman couldn’t accept.  The life of a celebrity can be as good a trigger, if not more nerve-racking, laying out your emotions and becoming vulnerable, like pop stars would be around this time to disses from Eminem on their culture.

There is an anomaly in every type of person.  You have people like the eve and I that stick with a small amount of close friends and suffer the self-conscious as a result, or people like the presence craving social interaction with many people, or some sort of attention.  We all have our weaknesses and opposites.  For example, I am so inconsiderate to my parents, forgetting that my dad wanted me to help him fill out the consensus form until the eve mentioned.

Funny thing about friends and acquaintances too, and maybe even relationships.  With friends, if you make them commit to something so intense, it could either freak them out or let them climb on, more delicate than with acquaintances. 

I could just laugh off the idea of having the chance to start something with the negative.  It wouldn’t be as offensive as it would have had he been a friend.  People like the presence would benchmark the fact that you had to be out and about always talking to new people, against people like the eve and me (and even the machine) that now settle on this other way.

Internet Chat With The Eve

The conversation I had with the eve tonight was amazing. We talked all night until 4am in the morning.  It started when we discussed the census.

She asked, “Does your household have their census form yet?  what do u think about it?”

I replied, “Oh yeah… we got it.”

“And your thoughts on the process?”

“I haven’t had the chance to get an in depth look at it.”

I had smoked marijuana tonight, so I was paranoid, sensitive, and high.  When the tone in her answers seemed to take a turn to sarcasm, I became paranoid.

I questioned, “Babe are you like… high?”

She answered, “Noppers.  High on what?”

“Well what’s wrong then?  Straight out?”

“Nothing.  Just being silly,” she assured.

“Sounds like a different silly.  I can’t picture it.”

“Maybe you don’t know all of me.”

“I’m starting to think that.”

“In a good way I hope,” she said with unease.

Finding Out What Is Wrong

I became suspicious that maybe it could be her ex-husband on the other end of her MSN Messenger.  I attempted to talk in code that only The Eve would know, to extract  the true identity of the person in our internet chat.  However, it only caused more confusion.

“There’s crosswires because we don’t seem to be connecting right tonight,” I continued.

“Why is that?”

“I don’t like what you are portraying.”

“What am I portraying?”

“Something that ain’t you.  Something critical, sarcastic, derisive, below the belt.  That’s what you are tonight.”

She defended, “I don’t think I was being critical?  I don’t like sarcastic.  Sorry.  I didn’t say anything that was below the belt.  I was just playing.”

“No.  You didn’t say anything at all,” I added.

The whole conversation led The Eve to be confused.  I was too high on marijuana, and distracted by the television behind me, and the census form.  Soon, she changed the subject to bring back The Eve that I knew.

“Do you miss me,” she asked me directly.

“Baby, of course.  Big time!  There is no one else around me,” I would confide.

“So you only miss me because you’re lonely,” once again, she instantly brought the mood down a notch.

I questioned, “Is this a break off?”

She replied, “No.  I was joking.  Are you breaking me off?”

Clearing The Air With The Eve

The Eve asked whether she had offended me.  It was hard to judge her personality over the internet though, but she assured me she was only messing around.

She assured, “I’m confused as to what I’ve done wrong.  I know you’re not mine to cut up and I think if you scroll up you will see I wasn’t interrogating you at all.  I was messing around earlier in the conversation but then you started taking it a bit to serious and nothing I said was directed at you especially in that way.”

When we both started to become more honest, I also confessed that I had a bong earlier, and was high on marijuana.  The Eve started to bring me out of a hole when I offhandedly remarked that I had contempt for her.

“Why contempt?  I’m your friend, more than a friend on occasion,” she shared.

 It was like my wake-up call that had seen me veer off track for these last couple of months.  Could it be brash of me to be cutting out acquaintances like mister negativity and leaving friends with burdensome choices to make, and even the eve when we sort of distanced off from all the kisses and cuddles in conversation.

As I came down off my high, I began to confess, “You tell it straight babe.  I’m one of the few that get paranoid on weed.  Hence, the last time we hooked up.”

“Do you have friends around or did you smoke before you got home?”

“I was with a friend up in town getting weed.  Then I came back home, because I gotta work tomorrow, so no socials between money.”

“Okay.  So we be cool,” her words made me smile.

Being More Honest In Conversation

She put me on the straight tonight and made me smile again.  The truth will set you free, and it seemed to happen tonight, the eve finally coming up with the needed confrontation to bandage something we cherish, which was falling apart.  She spun me out. 

I confessed in our internet chat, “I’m stoned baby.  You shouldn’t be taking any of this conversation seriously.  But you are making me all smiles tonight.”

“I am surprised at that, because of the way you acted a little earlier.  But that’s cool.”

“I should be a bit more open, aye?  Okay.  I got the lights on in my room.  The television is on… but almost no volume.  The hairdryer is on… and don’t ask.  The computer’s starting to make noises every now and again when I turn it on.  My room is a mess.  There are pictures on the floor.  Some drink is behind me.”

 “Yeah, if you had of said from the beginning that’s where you were coming from, the conversation would have been different.”

I continued to describe my room, “There are scissors to my left, for chopping.”

“Pics and scissors.  What were you up too?”

“I was actually admiring them.  One of the photos is of you.  The rest are of the boys.”

“Me.  Really?”

“Of course.  I always smile when looking back.  When at work, sometimes I think you up and up pops the smile.  Because you are real babe.”

She said all those mushy words brought a big smile to her face.  It opened us up to discuss seeing each other again.

I told her, “Babe… I’d see you again but we always avoid it.” 

She wondered, “Would it be a good thing now?”

“I keep thinking you don’t want to, so I play it down, hold it off.”

“Things have changed a little.  I would still want to.  You’re my fuck-buddy now.  You can make me cum.  I’m always going to return to that.”

Our conversations are only a credit to how in depth we can get, when it isn’t me shutting her out with suspicion and the playing down of feelings.

The Eve Brings Me Out Of A Hole

You can’t deny what you feel, and the eve to me is something special, so much that my one love as the writer brought her out whole wholesome. 

Like a guy at work said once allusively about not remembering names, “you treat people like they’re stupid.”  I tend to think that it’s more an issue of contempt, a “hate the world” shutting out sort of feeling that eventually leads to anxiety attacks or nervous breakdowns, and one which was thought avoided.

Does disregard for the eve in recent moves then seem born from the writer’s lost optimism?  Have my change of ethical values (like starting to work and going against my morals) been the downturn of me?  Was my previous path the right path, and if so, had the need for materialism led me stray? 

The eve appreciated our relationship how it was and we thrived off each other that way.  However, things have changed of late, and like a true friend, she came straight up, confronted me, told me the truth and was more cherished for it. 

Realization That The Eve Was Treated Poorly

You have to be open in a relationship and this relationship over the internet has treated me falsely.  Pessimism broke me down somewhere along the line.  So now, with my climbing back up, it has opened up my eyes. 

Pot makes me paranoid.  Sharing is enlightenment.  Shutting out the eve was cruel.  You have to have faith and you have to lay your balls on the line.  In our relationship over the last few months, it has sort of thinned after my last performance.  She never seemed to mind but obviously, it affected me.  There was the gym and a fit body back then, a smile on my face, pride and charisma, but now, barely a scrap of it to feast on.

You have to be humble but say what you want.  You have to be civil and learn to apologize.  You have to learn off your own mistakes.  Those that care for you knock you down off your perch.  The eve slapped some sense into me tonight, and although the thought still seems daunting to the self-conscious, we will have me healthy enough to have another day.