The End Of The Lost Years – Mad Chaos: September 16, 1998

What role does enjoyment play when it comes to want or needs?  

If I enjoy being with Lyssa and am happy, does that mean I need her, or I just want those satisfactions?  

All I know is that when I hung up the phone with Lyssa tonight, I was very angry with myself.  Yes I did call her, and once the phone was laid to rest I threw it around and cursed at myself.

Conversation With Lyssa

Having a shower to buy some more waiting time, I cleansed myself in preparation for our conversation.  

Coming out of the showers at exactly 9:15pm I gave Lyssa a call thinking she would still be talking.  Out of my delight, Lyssa’s phone rang.  More to my delight, she answered.  

At first I had to come up with some bullshit so that I could lamely cover up my exploits of jealousy.  

“I just had a conversation with Gianna,” was my lie.  “Hey.  Can I give you Gianna’s phone number?”

“Why do you want to give me her number,” Lyssa wondered.

“I need you to help get her off my back,” I made some excuse so that Lyssa would call her and get her off my back, even though Gianna would probably never call me anyway.  

I gave Gianna’s number to Lyssa.

“I will ring Gianna now,” Lyssa told me.

So I hung up the phone awaiting her to call back.

Still, we hadn’t talked about Bryce and I didn’t want to bring anything up until she did.  

Lyssa Calls Gianna Up

Lyssa called me back.

“I just got off the phone with Gianna.  I politely told her that I was going out with you and had heard that you were seeing Gianna.”

“What did she say to that,” I asked.

“I asked if you had both kissed or anything like that, and if it was becoming serious.”

I heard Gianna was somewhat scared in the conversation and taken back.  Gianna was apologizing at the end of the conversation.  That’s when Lyssa called me back.

Lyssa’s Mum Asks About Bryce

The conversation picked up once again but we found ourselves talking small talk.  

“My mum was asking about Bryce today,”  Bryce came into conversation.

“What did she ask,” I wondered.

“When my mum asked me about him, my face went red.  I put my hair in my mouth because I was embarrassed.”

That put some more realization into my thoughts that Lyssa was happier.  

“Bryce called me tonight, but he was calling from work.  That’s the only time he really gets a chance to speak with me.  He is calling me back again tomorrow,” Lyssa explained how Bryce called from the surf shop in Macarthur Square.

I know I won’t be receiving a call for a week or more because Lyssa will finally get with Bryce.

Considering A CD For Lyssa

Tonight I was thinking to myself to create Lyssa a CD and forget all my bogus thinking that Jewell was the only one good enough to receive a CD from me.  Rather, I’ve had ideas for a CD to give to Lyssa, ideas for songs.  I believe that I could make this by the turn of the weekend.  

But now as time passes me I think more and more that Lyssa is falling for Bryce and all is becoming lost.  Sure I can butt in and tell Lyssa how I feel but that will be selfish.  I would rather Lyssa be happy than to be with me and be thinking, “What would it have been like if I had done something with Bryce,” like I was thinking about Jewell in our time.  

There should be no loose ends.

Once Lyssa is free and with no one and has no one on her mind, that’s when I will show my affections.  If by that time I have moved on well then so be it but I will always have a place for Lyssa inside of my heart.

As time passes I think more about the reunion plans I am making with Lyssa and how I want to forget them.

Fears Lyssa Is Falling For Bryce  

Tonight I was angry for a small amount of time after our conversation, but I’m not angry anymore.  

“I should get off the phone soon.  I feel guilty talking with you and having Bryce on the other end,” Lyssa feared, even at this young a time to predict the outcome.  

“I have to sleep anyway.  I need to have good sleep before work tomorrow,” she said.

But I had seen through her innocence.  To me, it sounded like Lyssa wanted to get off the phone sooner because she knew she was falling for Bryce in a big way.  That was a way to say goodbye and move on.  

Moving Into The Recognition Era

Now ‘The Lost Years’ have finished and brought upon us ‘The Recognition’.  Now it is time to recognize what direction I want to take my life upon; something brand new or something of love that will never leave me.  

To Lyssa:  If you feel ashamed to be with me then don’t be with me.  If you can’t hold my hand to walk down a crowded street, let my hand be free as yours.  Upon a time forgotten, don’t you say things that you don’t necessarily mean.  I do.

Tonight is the night that I write my Blank Verse Poetry to dignify The Lost Years and the coming of Recognition.  Lyssa’s involvement will also play a part, and what has happened now, our present, as I know it.  

The Lost Years Sonnet

Let now my thoughts commence into words to astound and make simplicity an art form.

THE LOST YEARS

Doth lost of mine lost years not sound enough,

Confused mind taketh my heart and toreth,

Thrice hast I been thwarted of Jewell’s love,

So seldomly showed thy affections forth,

Lost not only mine years but Lyssa’s faith,

Was’t I silent, Thou lost trust in my ways,

Slowly, mine distance made depression safe,

An free art doves, Thou flieth farther away,

Lands not mine thoughts to end a love-quarrel,

Thou so indecisive, confused, pure, fair,

No more is so fair o’ lady Jewell,

An pure was thy name that taketh ‘way care,

Now ends such a loss, for lost are these years,

Set forth recognition to quash thy tears.

Now this poem is not as confusing as I have set out before with my poems.  Though, confusing is the way I set out to think my thoughts of The Lost Years, and I came up with some good ideas.  

Let us start with the beginning but let me just say, this won’t be the last elaboration of The Lost Years.  There will be other attempts, as I know this can be bettered.  Rather, this is a quaint use of my thoughts and it was simplistic but realistic in a sense.  

There will definitely be other attempts to outline ‘The Lost Years’ and the dawning of ‘The Recognition’ period.  There suredly are more stages that I care not to name right now that start after ‘The Recognition’.  Now let me start mine explanation.

Meaning Behind The Poem

Before I do explain the meanings of the poem’s literature, let me just explain the fabrication of the poetry and the meaning of each line.  To elaborate quickly within these lines of my writings let me just note that the poem rhymes in this form (ababcdcdefefgg).  

Now to be precise, there were three people taken into consideration within these lines and three points of view made into one.  Although there was no talk about the triangle’s powers from either side (which I will take into consideration next time I write) my poetry was based on events and happenings related to my source.  

Thus, I relate to my thoughts in the rhymes “A, C, and E”.  Jewell is spoken of and her thoughts are elaborated in rhymes “B and F”.  Lyssa comes into topic within the middle of my thoughts in “D”.  Now that we have established that base let me precede my thoughts.

Each Line In The Poem

The first line indicates “haven’t I had enough trouble in these last two years I consider lost,” starting from when I first met Jewell.  Speaking for Jewell I note that Jewell being so confused with what she had wanted for the ‘Lost Years’ took part of my heart away from me and Lyssa.  In that time I wrote her poetry to please her confusion.  At the end of it, my heart was torn.  

Like I have explained before, I have been fucked up twice before by Jewell.  With her breaking up with me for no real reason, holding onto me with her confusion for the whole time I was with Lyssa, eventually helping me to break up with Lyssa (which was the second fuck up) and finally to speak that she doesn’t want me is represented in the third line.  

Once again speaking for Jewell I speak how in the course of time we endured together, in mind and in body, in spirit and in essence.  Jewell rarely showed me how to be affectionate.

Now speaking in contrast of my feelings towards Lyssa in this situation I start by noting that I didn’t only waste so much time with my infatuation but I lost Lyssa’s faith.  In the back of her mind Lyssa knew what was going on, even though I never confessed to her.  Eventually, because I kept silent in our relationship and refused to speak out about my infatuation, Lyssa lost her trust in me, and for that we broke up.  

Distancing myself from Lyssa after we had broken up for the sake of finishing something that was still left incomplete had made it safe for me to cry in depression.  Be it crying for Lyssa or for Jewell, there were no barriers.  Because of this distance Lyssa flew further and further away from my reach.  Now I fear she has flown too far.  

To be infatuated with Bryce I speak “If free are doves, you fly further away”.  This is heartfelt to my true feelings that if Lyssa truly feels that she is free, then let her fly far away.  

Both now being free, my freedom being free only after Lyssa’s release, I sought to carry on with Jewell.  Thus “Lands not mine thoughts” means that like Lyssa who is still in a flight with freedom, so feel I for such that my feet have not yet touched ground and landed on owned ground.  

My obsession with Jewell would persist, as I was no longer seeking out Lyssa.  I was hoping to end a quarrel.  Once again speaking from Jewell’s frame of mine.  All the words are of her context and mind, except for the last word that puts a transparency to my beliefs.  That’s why in the next line I contradict the fairness of Jewell as I have learnt now.  

Confusion is not fair and it is not fair for Jewell’s confusion to confuse me in my actions.  

Then I take another poke at one of her describing words, pure.  Once again I contradict terms of purity and that of taking away her caring of me.  The contrast is the fact that Jewell being so pure should not be able to take away her care, because she is so pure.

So the last two lines sum up the poem.  Now ‘The Lost Years’ have come to a conclusion with me telling Jewell not to call me again and sending back her letters.  The years may now be lost but ‘Recognition’ has been given form.  No more will there be crying for the past in these times.

Well, there you have it, the poem in full and in full explanation.  

Learn To Forget Lyssa

The time is a couple of minutes now to midnight.  The day has almost passed, and luckily, because I have kept myself on the computer for this long I haven’t been thinking about Lyssa.  

Hopefully these thoughts for Lyssa will disappear if I learn of more evidence that she really likes Bryce.  But who am I to butt in, for I know she really likes Bryce.  

Now it is my time to learn to forget and to let the best be played out.  

If it was meant to be then Lyssa and Bryce will never be.  If it was meant to be, well, then none of this would have happened.

For the past couple of weeks I’ve been missing Lyssa.  Even though I tell her not to ring me anymore, in the back of my mind I hope she gives me a call, and I was blessed that she did.  

Alas, it is now too late.  As my eyes get tired and it is almost struck one minute from midnight, I best be off.  My eyes grow tired and my bones ask for sleep, to rejuvenate.