A Painful Yearning For Jewell – Mad Chaos: May 15, 1998

A Pain From Yearning For Jewell

I’ve just been speaking to Jewell for the past two hours on the phone.  I’ve been talking to Jewell in the afternoon also today and gave her a call back tonight.  This afternoon we were just talking normally, as we didn’t have the night behind us.  It seems that when we have a limit to how long we can talk and the nighttime dwellings relax us, we open up.

Tonight, Jewell and I didn’t get strongly into feelings until the last 15 minutes.  Time was really cruel to us, as we admired the times we first met.  I told Jewell how I passed her twice just to get a glimpse of her in her dress that afternoon.  Jewell told me about the things in her wardrobe she has and hasn’t worn.  She’s bought so many things, but because she doesn’t go out much, doesn’t get a chance to wear it.

We jumped into our mood when Jewell started reminiscing about the times she came to my house and we applied her nail polish.  

I then started to feel a strength within my chest, a pain of being pushed away for so long, a pain of yearning.  

I kept punching my chest to try and help it, but there was persistence within the emotions within.  Thoughts kept going through my head of how much fun we used to have and how one day we will be having that fun together once again.

Quotes From Jewell

Jewell told me that when we are back together it will be different.  I gather that I will be more aware of our feelings from then as I have been talking with her for over a year.  I will be more understanding towards her and care much more for her even though there was plenty of caring.

I said to Jewell, “The more time that passes and that I spend away from you, the more that I want to be with you.”   

Jewell then told me, “Your level of preoccupation determines your ability to shut things out, but you don’t.”  

That was directed to me and my level of preoccupation, which is my life at the moment.  I told her in our conversation I would quote that line in my Diary.

What I guess she is trying to say is, whatever happens to me in my life, it’s not great enough to break the bond between Jewell and I, which is true.

Another saying that I quote from a book Jewell used to write in after we broke up is this.  

“Time never proceeds how you often desire.  There is always too much time when you have to wait yet not enough to say goodbye.”  

Jewell started getting ideas for that book from our adventures and thoughts.  I just love the bond we have when it comes to literature.  

I love how when Jewell or I feel emotions, we don’t bottle them up and instead we release them onto paper or in the form of art or music.  

That’s the love of an artist, nothing is ever kept a secret.  Like noise in its purest form, art is noise in its purest form to me.  When I wrote Jewell her birthday card and wrote the line “Noise in its purest form”, that’s what I meant.  Those four lines which spelt out ‘FINE’, that was my art form, that was my noise, that was my purity.

Jewell Compliments My Creativity

Jewell told me how my poems and workings always had structure and consistency.  When Jewell wrote poems, she told me if she writes a long one then it will all just sound the same and repetitive.  I had the ability of arranging my poems so that they would tell a story, hard to notice to the naked eye the first time around.  Those are the structures of my poems though.  As articulate as they are, they are like the reciting of Macbeth.

To a newborn civilization, none can understand the meanings of my thoughts written in a labyrinth of puzzles.  The meaning is there, but in an English that is old and not understood completely.  It’s like a new language to some.  You have to repeat the sentence repetitively to understand it, whereas if you can speak both old and new languages, you should have no problem.  That’s what Jewell and I can do.  We can understand the language that I’m capturing in my poems and literature.

Music Agency Showcases Vocalists

This morning I was woken up at 11am by a business call.  With a lady voice on the phone I was asked to listen to a couple of recorded artists singing.  This lady was ringing from an Agency.  After listening to a couple of vocal artists I knew there was nothing of interest there.  She sent me her CD of vocals anyway.  That should be to me by Tuesday.

After waking up I turned my computer on and then started calling some vocals that I had written down the day before.  The only vocals I got through to was “Boyz in Black”.  Calling their record company, they called me at my house.  I talked to one of the members.  He was straightforward.  I explained to him what I needed from them.  Still straightforward with no more than two words from his mouth, I asked them to send me a demo tape.  I’m not sure if he was writing down my address when I told him over the phone but I should also expect that some time next week.  I told them when I receive their demo I would give them a call back and discuss the project with them.

Advertising In The Drum Media

After that I thought it would be best to place an advertisement in the Drum Media.  Here’s what I done.  Calling the Drum Media I placed this advertisement in which cost me $12 on my credit card.

“Male Vocalist required to sing lead and harmony in R & B CD recording.  Good Black Soul and harmonic sounding voice needed with preferable experience in session singing.  Vocal styles include K–Ci & Jo Jo, Boyz II Men, Silk, Ol Skool.  If you are interested and think you may be suitable ring Tony.” 

I’m not sure what kind of response I will get from that, but by the publicity the magazine gets, I’m bound to get over 15 calls and a couple of demo tapes.  Hopefully I will gather enough incentive to pick two hopefuls, maybe three for the chorus and then start on the rest of my song.

Hitting Brick Walls In The Music Industry

The vocals within Sydney are a ‘B’ grade sort of bunch.  For the money you can buy someone for, it’s not worth the time to use their voice.  Also, studios are ‘B’ Grade within the Sydney area.  The studios who claim to be good cost a fortune per hour.  My dollar doesn’t go far in this profession.  When it comes to hiring professional, I don’t stand a chance in the money market.

I’m starting to hit brick walls now that I have sort of produced my instrumental.  They are coming in many forms.  One of them is money, another is professionalism and another is accessibility and belief.  I was told by Gavyn from Nu Town Studio who won’t have much belief in me once I’ve spent my money that I shouldn’t need professionalism for this project.  The things is I want as professional and nice sounding a vocal as the next person.  The other thing is I don’t have time to save money.

I want this large project to be finished as quickly as possible but it seems to be dragging on every day I spend on it.  For example, when it comes to Ralf helping me out, it will probably never happen and I will need another cause of action.  

The accessibility factor, when it comes to great studios or great singers, how I want them, they just don’t come ‘A’ grade in Australia.  So here I hit a brick wall because I don’t want to use a “gone sour” rock star for a harmony, blues song.

Things might start to piece back together after the Drum Media comes out though.  This week when my money comes through I will be thinking of both going back to the studio and finishing up the instrumental or saving it.

Phone Lyssa While Bored

Anyway, back to my day.  Lyssa gave me a call at 1pm.  We talked for a couple of minutes.  I told her how I was so bored at home.  I didn’t have anything to do.  We talked for a couple of minutes and then she had to go.  

Phone Jewell

Because I was feeling bored and neglected ringing Jewell last night I gave her a call.  I gave Jewell a call from 3:30pm when I thought she would be back home from school.  She was home long before when I gave her a call, as we started talking about how she doesn’t have long left at school.  

Jewell and I didn’t broaden our topic of conversation (or I’m just too tired to remember at this time of night) but our conversation ended at 5:30pm.

Lyssa Busy With Phone Calls

After watching some television and getting bored I waited until 6:15pm and then called Lyssa.  Back from work I told her how bored I was.  Lyssa told me of her day at work and how she wore her new blue shirt today and how all the workers on the road were looking at her.  

After a little time Lyssa received a call on the phone and I was put on hold.  When she returned she seemed a little nervous and told me sarcastically it was her other boyfriend on the other line.  She then told me it was Velda and she would call me back once she has talked to her.  In my head I had a feeling it was someone like Toby or one of her other old boyfriends.

Giving Lyssa the benefit of the doubt for some time, I called back her house after an hour to talk to her.  Her phone was busy, which led me to believe (with my detective skills) she was still on the phone to the same person, as when I hung up the phone, you can’t get call waiting again.  

Seemingly, Lyssa was on the phone to the same person all that time.  So I thought I would give Velda’s house a call.  The phone rang almost instantaneously and with the normal tone as a usual phone.  I gathered Lyssa at least wasn’t talking to Velda at her house.  Waiting a couple of minutes I called Velda’s house again to see if I got the same reaction.  Yes.

Catching Lyssa Out In A Lie

Lyssa called me straight after.  I thought she would ask me if I was trying to ring Velda but she didn’t.  Straight away I could tell she was different, she was putting on more of an act.  When usually the phone went quiet she would just want to go do something and then call me back a couple of minutes hoping there would be conversation.  This time she was on the phone until it was time for her to sleep.  All the time she was doing things she normally wouldn’t do.  She was being too spirited and playful with me.  I knew something was up.

Another thing, as soon as she got on the phone she told me exactly what Velda and her talked about.  She didn’t wait for me to ask but rather told me that they were looking through her Diary and found that in two days, it will be the first day a year ago that I noticed Lyssa.  I have a feeling that might have been her cover up story, as I asked her a question about what Lyssa and Velda talked about.  You could tell she was struggling with finding an answer, murmuring and mixing up her words as if to be nervous.  So something fishy was going on tonight.

I wouldn’t have been bothered if Lyssa told me it was Jermaine calling on the phone instead of probably hiding it with Velda.  Lyssa can’t lie that well to me.  I know when she’s lying.  She tends to be more playful and sincere to me and wants to see me more badly.  Lyssa also wants the conversation to keep rolling and on a different matter than her telephone conversation.  On occasion she will bring up something her and Velda supposedly talked about.

Knowing that Lyssa wasn’t talking to Velda on the phone and hearing her lie like she was to me was hurtful, to think she could lie in my face like that.  Still, I thought to myself what goes on between the conversations of Jewell and I and was more lenient.  

It’s obvious that even though Lyssa and I are having a great time, we are starting to substitute our feelings together with yearning for other flesh.  

Suspicious That Lyssa Spoke To Jermaine

I know, Lyssa being a virgin before me, she would want to try someone new.  It seems Lyssa might be getting infatuated with Jermaine.  If I find solid proof that he is trying to mess around behind “my back” (which are the key words here), then he will be getting a hiding.

I didn’t have the heart to ask Lyssa for the truth.  I didn’t have the heart to say, “Lyssa, have you been telling me the whole truth tonight about your telephone conversation,” and then see her squirm.  In my mind, I really want to find out the truth but not accuse her in such a fashion.  So, tomorrow when Lyssa calls me from work I will ask her if she was being truthful about last night, when we have that distance of time between us.

Lyssa and I talked for half an hour or more before she had to leave for bed at 9:30pm.  I thought Lyssa would call back because I was being quiet for most of the night.  I was being per to my usual, but Lyssa was persistent in asking if anything was wrong, like she was guilty.  Lyssa doesn’t normally ask, “What’s wrong” more than ten times in a night unless she has something to hide.

While Lyssa and I were talking the phone rung once and then hung up on call waiting.  The second time Lyssa answered.  Lyssa told me once she came back that it was Patty, the lady from the Church that wants her to join and keeps hassling her to join the cult.  She acted out so much telling the story.  It sounded like she pretended to talk to her mum saying, “If she calls back tell her I’m not home.”

When we hung up the phone I called Velda’s house again, but I could have sworn it was a different ring tone that time or my ears were playing tricks on me.  Worried, I called Lyssa back to see if the phone would be busy.  It wasn’t.  I was going to confront Lyssa then but her mum answered the phone and it threw me off.  Supposedly Lyssa thought I was Patty calling back to talk to her, but she was wrong.

Phone Jewell Back

I don’t know what’s going on there, but still bored, I gave Jewell a call on her mobile.  She told me she might be going to Liverpool for late night shopping with Zola.  I never knew Zola has been driving a Colt for a couple of months but I found out tonight.  Jewell didn’t go (part of the reason was for her to perve at guys), mainly because Chisomo was going and she didn’t want to get ignored.  So Jewell sat at home as I called her at 9:30pm.

As I said before, we talked for a while.  The time was just after midnight that we hung up on each other.  Now the time is 1:15am probably an hour after I started writing in this diary.  

I am really tired.  There is not much more to say except I hope to get some letters in the mail tomorrow, and next week I’m getting paid.