Everything Is Up In The Air – Mad Chaos: July 15, 1998

Lyssa Does Not Call 

Learning to let go is what I have been coping with today.  Preoccupied with my computer for most of the day and night, I kept asking myself if Lyssa was going to make the effort to call me tonight.  

Engrossed in my computer I tried not to pay too much attention until it started to get late.  

Nearing 9pm I started to think to myself, “Should I give her a call?”  

I was wondering if she was at home or out with Penelope.  Whatever the factor was, Lyssa and I didn’t communicate for today.  That is a large step in the opposite direction of our relationship.  

Right now I’m not really sad or depressed.  I’m not happy either, but there are no real emotions within my mind apart from the feeling that it had to happen one day, that, and slight loneliness.  This was it for Lyssa and I, another step into oblivion.

The History Of Obscenity

Just before I begin my chronology, let me just say that I delved into the history of my swearing and obscene language within my Diary.  Thinking that I only started swearing in the past few weeks I was deadly wrong.  You see, I thought that I hadn’t sworn in my Diary for a couple of months now, maybe eight months.  But, going through a searching tool on my computer I was shocked to find that every single month I have been writing in this Diary, the word “Fuck” appears at least once in every month.  

What’s more, I remember writing in my Diary how my foul mouthing had subdued in the past couple of months.  That might be true but it hasn’t stopped completely.

Plagued By My Nocturnal Nature

Last night I was up playing the computer until 4:30am in the morning.  You would think that I should be curbing my talents of the night but my nocturnal nature cannot be stopped.  Rather, I have made it a challenge to sleep fifteen minutes earlier every night until I am back to midnight or less.  

As a result of my late nights, I don’t eat properly, don’t exercise anymore and barely find time to get out of the house.  Instead, my mind is filled with computer games and television.  I rarely even listen to music these days.

Avoiding The ‘Hey Dad’ Kid

Today though, like I planned it, I left for Campbelltown.  Having a shower, I then got dressed.  I decided not to wear a jacket today because it was sunny.  The jacket has started to smell.  I haven’t washed it since Jett gave it to me.  All hell has broken loose on it.  I also wore my black pants and blue Bonds shirt.  With my hair back I looked spiffy, but I was quite uncomfortable without my jumper.  

With nothing to eat, I grabbed ‘Myth’ and then headed on my way.  Dropping the game off at Bradbury shops I started my journey to Campbelltown.  I noticed that little shit that looks like that kid from ‘Hey Dad’.  Bumping into him for some idle small talk about nothing is really starting to annoy me, so I tried to avoid his company by halting for a minute.  

As soon as he was out of my sight I continued on my journey, but knew I would probably see him up the street.  Well I was right.

The kid came out of a side street without my awareness.  Looking over towards him I gave the complimentary wave but was sighing under the collar.  He didn’t notice, or rather didn’t look in my direction.  Whatever it was, I was happy to be walking single.

Collect The Drum Media

My agenda for the day was to bring home the ‘Drum Media’ and visit Centrelink to sort things out.  Feeling inconvenienced with the fact that I would have to deal with Centrelink’s stupidity once again, I was on my way home after collecting my magazine.

Walking back home I walked past Thelma’s sister’s friend that I met on the train.  She said hello.  To elaborate some more, Thelma is the one that Ali went out with before there was Penelope (and then there were two).  This is the same girl that came up and talked to me a couple of weeks ago when I was waiting for Lyssa at Campbelltown station.  Thinking she was drunk, she walked up to me, talked for a minute or two, and then left.  Yep her, fake contact lenses girl.

Remembering Linda

Let it be learnt that today is an important date, one where Lyssa and I ceased to call each other after a year and three weeks (give or take a day or two).  To be honest, dwelling on my mind a couple of weeks before our year being together was the fact of Maura’s friend Linda whom I used to like.  

If my memory is correct then I remember Linda (whom I think is her name) tried to end her relationship with her boyfriend on their one-year anniversary.  It mustn’t have been a celebration but they got back together a couple of days later because they thought it was the wrong thing to do.  That was going through my mind, but it didn’t happen.  Close to it though.

Piecing Together My Feelings For Jewell

While I was reading through my Diary looking for articles on Linda I came across the last month before I met Lyssa for the first time.  Now reading back upon my entries I can piece together my feeling toward Jewell and her feelings toward me.  

What I’ve read to so far is where I’m just about to send the CD to Jewell and what led me to send it to her.  Remembering back in the day, I held back sending the CD to Jewell because it wasn’t right.  The main reason the CD was sent to Jewell was the fact that I had found a stepping stone to move on.  I had found Lyssa.  Rather than giving it to her as a blessing, I dumped it onto Jewell without a backward thought of how she would take it.  

Let’s face reality here… meeting Lyssa was a fresh start to me, something that would make me forget, and that I did.

Reading upon our hundred days knowing each other, May 11^th 1997 I realized this was getting close to the time that Lyssa and I met.  Because I couldn’t send the CD to Jewell on that day I decided to give her a call to landmark the moment and significance on the CD.  

Jewell was so ecstatic when I called.  She couldn’t believe I was talking to her on the phone after such a stretch of time.  From what I have read, I called Jewell more than twice a week after that.  Compared to the fortnightly calls after I got with Lyssa, I know I was cruel and selfish.

Jewell Assumes Second Place

After our depriving length of silence, Jewell was ready to give it a second go, but I couldn’t sense that.  Jewell even sent me a letter at the start of June.  I was overjoyed once I received it.  I remember consistently telling Jewell that anything from her would be better than nothing, so she followed par.  

Jewell thought a resolution was on the way, as we kept talking and sending letters to each other.  But she didn’t know my sinister reality that was emerging day to day.  

Upon meeting Lyssa, I forgivingly put Jewell in second place.  In order to get rid of my final dying feelings towards her, I sent the CD.  From that point on (which was the point of no return to Jewell because I was infatuated with Lyssa) there was no sympathy for Jewell in the likes of getting back with her.

I still remember the day that everyone was at my house, we were having a movie night I think, when amidst the loud conversation the phone rang.  My mind was set then on whom I wanted.  I later took Lyssa to the backyard and told her that it was ‘over’ with Jewell and that she didn’t have to worry.  

For a while I kept with my word.  I think after that day I dehydrated my telephone conversations with Jewell.  Thinking in Jewell’s perspective now, she would have known that something was wrong, she would have gathered.  What seemed like getting to a resolution was taken away from her.  

There I was being selfish, not really caring anymore, pushing away an abstinent past for a persistent future.  

The days Jewell waited upon me to call back must have been long and dormant.

One day after Jewell called my house while Lyssa was over, I explained to her the situation without shedding details.  Rather I hinted on what was happening and told her never to forget me.  After a long ordeal of almost getting back together and asking me over to watch ‘Romeo and Juliet’ we were over, like a slice of the knife, separating our two entities indefinitely.

Lacking Maturity When Eighteen Years Old

Another point that I would like to set across is that back in those days I wasn’t as mature as I am now.  Looking back nearly a year and a half, after the break up of Jewell and I, there was an immaturity within me.  

After my break up with Jewell I was on the rebound and juggling many women at the one time including Harriet from work, Phoenix, Sama, Lyssa and god knows who else.  It is with this information that I admit I probably would have cheated on Jewell in some way or form if Lyssa still came into my life.

I was so young in mind back then that temptation would have come over me, or maybe I was stronger than I am thinking.  Still, today my mind still has plenty to grow.  When it has finally finished, I should be happily married with no convulsive acts regarding threesomes and home movies.  

Also, history is repeating itself in a different form.  I feel that once Jewell and I are together, Lyssa will probably ring at the wrong time, and the same emotions will be discovered.  In my mind, I will feel real bad for what I have done, because let’s face it, I’m not the happiest camper when it comes to doing what’s right in my conscience.  I have to get my timing right.

For it wasn’t until a month later that I actually called Jewell back to talk with her.  Even then, I was explaining to her that I’m with someone else.  Had it not been for Kofi reminding me that Jewell was still a living soul, I might have held out for longer, and that upsets me.  My problem is really giving things time to settle.  

Everything Is Up In The air

As Sama once told me ‘Everything is up in the air’.  I jump from place to place leaving them all up there.  Upon settling down some things fall and settle, but there are still memories looming over my head on a daily basis.  

If I do this right, Lyssa and I, then I shouldn’t have any regrets looming over my head like I do now.  But that’s not me.  I’ve grown so accustomed to having someone with me, so it’s hard to suddenly have nothing.

Right now I have nothing, and that’s the truth.  Everything is truly up in the air.  I’ve been all alone today, so desolate.  My isolation is due to not having spoken to Lyssa, Jewell or had any of my friends over.  

Truth is, I don’t really have friends anymore.  

The only people I can call my friends are Ali and Imad and I don’t think Imad is doing too good a job these days.  Every chance I get to ring him, he’s sleeping or too busy to come meet his best friend.  It’s been a week or two now and still he hasn’t come to visit me, even though he knows I’m over with Lyssa.  It’s the same with Ali, but I expect him to be spending more time with Penelope.  I don’t blame him.

For nothing to talk about today, I sure have broken out into a frenzy of the past.  You would never guess what time it is though.  It’s 3:15am.  It wasn’t all spent writing in this Diary.  

Beginnings Of An Imperfect Diary

For at least two hours I’ve been reading in my Diary and my love letters in the folder.  My thoughts are now to finish off some old chapters and revitalize them for printing, but I might not have enough time.  I’m tired.

Something I have noticed when you compare my literature in succession each year, it always gets better along with my typing speed and accuracy.  My grammar back then was appalling to say the least.  My dropped letters and bad spelling mistakes were just the start.  But, you have to start somewhere, and just like everything, it takes practice to perfect what you’re doing.  

This Diary didn’t begin perfect and it never will be.  

It’s always a progressive little tool, one that lets my mind run free, and when I’m tense it helps me relax.  This might be explained as a conversation with a shrink.  You talk to the psychologist and relieve your problems.  Just like a psychologist, they mostly listen and hardly comment.

Being the longest entry in this Diary and probably in the whole existence of my Diary so forth, I must end it now, coupling over to sixteen pages now.  These long entries are getting ridiculous, but I must admit it’s good to catch up on old times, since they aren’t chronicled within my Diary.