A Prehistory Of Relationships – Mad Chaos: July 15, 1998

A History Of Intimate Relationships

Theoretical question here.  Thinking back a couple of days I remember that the thought of how many girls I have dated or liked had crossed my mind.  Now I will make that a reality in my diary as I am curious now.  

Looking back in my diary those couple of days ago old flames of mine were brought back into perspective, people I never really considered.  Let me tell you, there were a fair deal of girls, people you would not know about in this Diary.  I will now elaborate because they were far beyond the time I started to embellish my life within these pages.

Two names come to mind of two girls that I have in my book of love letters or items I have received over the years from girls.  Actually there might be three people but only two I have tried to be intimate with.

Tashi The Hindu Girl (1992)

There was the time ages ago when I was still in school, which would have been at least five years ago or back in year 9 or year 8.  Back in the days when Johnnie used to be my best buddy and we used to hang out day in and day out, there was this girl that I liked.  

This could have been back in the founding days of bodybuilding, when my hair used to be one large, long clump on my head, uncleansed by shampoo or cut by a barber.  

My hair was atrocious back then.  I can remember when I got my long hair cut at a barber for the first time after my dad cut my fringe crooked (you’d have to see early childhood pictures).

Back at Johnnie’s house, he was having some party.  I remember we built a cubby house on the outskirts of his room.  His bedroom had a door that opened to the balcony.  The balcony went around the entire two-story house.  There was a pathway all the way around the house on the second floor through the wooden balcony.  

Acquiring some wood, we nailed it onto wooden framing that entered the long corridor under the balcony.  Making it into a cubby house, we nailed some hinges and a lock onto a piece of wood and called that our door.  Johnnie and I were proud of our achievement.  For our home away from home (where the parents couldn’t climb in there because they were too large and unbothered to fit through the door), this was our hideaway.  

Laying a mattress there and fitting a light globe in, we had another permanent room adorned with naked women posters.  Yep, we could even smoke under there as that is what Johnnie and I used to do, smoke.

Johnnie used to hide his packet of smokes in a secret place away from his parents’ keen eye.  When I would come over, we would either smoke in the cubby house with the windows open or sneak outside.  There I was, also famous for playing the aging piano when I started getting bored but that was my second home.  Anything was allowed.  

The first point of contact upon walking into Johnnie’s house was his fridge.  But that ritual was soon halted once I stopped going to his house.  I believe the reason was that he went to a private school where I went to Airds.  He came to Airds until year 8 or year 9, but then we started loosing contact from there.  But if we didn’t lose contact, I wouldn’t meet the girl I’m about to explain.

How I Met Tashi

After some elaborate searching in my letters I finally found it to be right in front of my eyes, the first page.  The girl’s name is Tashi.  Her parents were very strict about boyfriends because she was Hindu or some culture along that line (not Hindu though).  No doubt about it, for her age she was hot stuff.  I couldn’t believe she had it in for me.

Let me enlighten you on the whole story of our chance meeting.  There I was helping Johnnie set up for his big party.  Then came in Tashi and a couple of Johnnie’s friends from school.  Johnnie and I were playing soccer in the hallway and the girls were watching.  

Well, as legend goes, there I was leaning on the wall in the hallway watching television when she came passed me and stopped right in my face.  Edging myself into a comfort zone and more onto the wall, she placed her lips right near mine and started running her hands through my hair, telling me how lovely it felt.  That instantly made my pulse rise.  

That’s not all.  Tashi backed away after that.  Then for the rest of the night I was chasing after her tail.  When the night was over, I hoarded Johnnie with questions.

Being a little horny bugger even back then (but not really knowing what I was doing apart from kisses) I invited Tashi upstairs.  Now this could have been another night with a different person because I remember getting in trouble.  Yep it was someone else.  

This ginger haired girl that was half the beauty of Tashi was at the party also.  Being straight forward also, I took her to the Cubby Room, which was known as the Playboy Suite.  This girl knew my plans, as I asked her to crawl into this secluded room from the rest of the party.  Boy was I stupid.  This girl didn’t fall for it.  Then the night was over.

Hell Hath No Fury Like Tashi

The next day Tashi called Johnnie on the phone.  Then Johnnie told me she wants to talk with me.  Excited, I jumped on the phone.  She asked me out in a sneaky way.  Well actually, she told me she would send me a letter first and then ask me out after that.  But the point is, we started going out.  

Out of all the time I was with her, I think our lips enticed our hormones twice.

Two night’s later I was supposed to see her at a party, so I traveled there with Johnnie not knowing anyone there.  Tashi couldn’t make it that night but the illustrious other girl with ginger hair was there.  Ginger and I talked for most of the night.  We played around on the swings.  Because someone was jealous of me going out with Tashi, they started a vicious rumor that I got onto Ginger.  

Johnnie even had doubts as to my innocence at the start, but I couldn’t deny the time I tried to entice Ginger into the Playboy Suite.  You can kind of see where the allegations branched off from there.  So enough said about that short running romance.

Still to this day I thought Tashi was hot, but for five years ago and what style was like back then, I wonder if she’s better or worse off now.  All I know is that Tashi is now twenty years of age.  How do I know this?  Her only letter she gave to me says so.  Her birthday is 5^th June 1978.  If I called Johnnie on the phone tomorrow I wonder if he would even remember Tashi or get into contact with her, kind of like a girlfriend reunion.  

Sending A Letter To Tashi

Now back to Tashi, my very first girlfriend.  On the topic of lame, I remember sending her a letter after she found out the wrongfully accusing news about my cheating.  Unlike her one page letter, which was spaced out, my letter was four pages long and dense with writing.  

Trying to sound sophisticated and trying to get a point across I remember her and Marcia Varley were out the front laughing about one of the lines reading, “I know you and I can both be mature about this whole problem.”  

Thinking about it, I know my letter must have been a sorry biography indeed.  I can only imagine the pages being reviewed by all her new boyfriends to date as something to avoid giving her.  Yes, she is laughing.  To a maturer mind now, I wonder what those letters would sound like?  If only I could call her back and have her read me the letter.

Love Letters With Faith Harper (1994)

Then there was Faith Harper.  If I might have noted any time before, she was my high school crush in year 10.  Back in home economics one day (which I had taken to impress the chicks, and I also took cooking and childbirth and was one of two males only in that class) I was sitting with my then friends listening to the teacher talk.  Also, I was looking at a girl’s legs and trying to imagine her skin underneath her denim jeans which I vaguely remember she was wearing that day.  

Faith was the lazed type of person.  She didn’t care about much but smokes and pot every weekend with her mates.  Still, that didn’t faze me.  

I was trying to be a bit of a rebel back at school.  I smoked for six months.  My smoking buddy was Johnnie, but that’s another story.

Seated near the back tables I was unaware that anyone was eyeing me at the time, but I believe someone was.  They noted to Faith about my actions.  Nearing the end of the class Faith turned to me out of the blue and asked me some questions.  I can’t remember the questions.  Well, that led to her talking about writing letters.

Then she told me, “How about I write you a letter now?”  

Taken back by her remark, I said, “Yeah sure!”

Befuddled as I was, I didn’t think she would follow through with her actions.  But, there she sat for twenty minutes writing pen to paper.  Instead of concentrating on the teacher’s words I concentrated on Faith, thinking how we could go out with each other.

Scrunching up more paper than a notebook can hold, Faith finally gave me her final copy at the end of class, when the bell rang.  

“It’s not perfect,” Faith told me, but she wanted me to write back.  

I was ecstatic! 

Since that day forth I had been writing back and forth with Faith, towards the end of semester four in year 10 .  Alas, our scriptures didn’t lead to anything solid, even though she gave me her number in the first letter.  

If my memory serves me correctly, I think I asked if she would be something to me, but I was denied, and not wrongfully.

Faith always told me that she would love to have kids one day, she would take care of them very good.  Then next I heard of her two years down the track when I noticed her at Campbelltown station, she was pregnant and still smoking.

Faith always loved horses.  I wonder how much?  

To my knowledge, all of this happened before my Diary entries but you never know, Faith’s literature might be splattered across some pages in the past.

Chasing Lotus (1995)

Last of all there was Lotus.  Once again, this was a brief encounter.  Even though I went out with her, I don’t think I even got to kiss her.  

This is the plot…  Tatton and I were on the train one day coming home from the City or going there.  I can’t remember.  This must have been just under a year before I started writing in my Diary because I didn’t befriend Tatton until year nine.  Only when he moved from Airds did we start to travel together.  

Sitting on the far end of the train, we noticed girls on the other side also sitting towards us.  Especially noticed was this one girl, which I know now as Lotus.  Seeming “Out There” and making trouble on the train coupled with lots of noise, she was my kind of girl.

Lotus and her friends would look at us through the reflection of the windows on the train.  I would do the same, sometimes catching her out.  Jumping out of their seats, they walked past us smiling, and walked into another carriage.  Thinking she was gone, that must have been her time to plan what they were going to do about us.  

Coming back in, they sat down.  Walking past us one more time, Lotus said hello.  

Snatching at the opportunity, I remember telling Tatton, “Now look at how you snatch a girl.”

Then the girls introduced themselves.  

For the rest of the trip they ended up talking to us.  I grabbed Lotus’s number.  Once the number was in my pocket it was time to jump off the train and that was that.

Taking Lotus To The Movies

My obsessive qualities were proven with Lotus as I called her that night or the night after.  Lotus was a fuller person with large breasts for her size and very attractive at the time.  With her address written next to her number I called her that night.  We arranged a night out to watch a movie.

Traveling to Greater Union with one of her friends and Tatton (I think Jett was also with us), I remember we didn’t touch through the whole movie until I grabbed her hand and held it.  Now I know she must have been thinking I was a geek to have done that.  It would have scared her off because she wasn’t after affection, she was after bodies clashing, if you get the drift.  It didn’t take long for my hand to start sweating.  This would have deterred her even more.

When the movie was finished, we went outside for a walk.  

“Are you cold,” I asked

“Wouldn’t you be cold if you only had a bra on,” she snarled.

Only then did I realize her provocative dressing, a see through top and a bra underneath, I can assure you I was happy and intrigued at the fabric’s content after that.

Stupid me tried to push the boundaries too far.  I thought having a Rose delivered to her house would have been flattering.  

Her mum sounded flattered when she answered the phone with, “No one has ever given my daughter something like this before!”  

Lotus didn’t want to answer the phone.  After five minutes of waiting I knew it wasn’t going to be great news.  

Jumping onto the phone, she told me she thought it wasn’t a good idea that we kept seeing each other.  That was the whole ordeal of Lotus and I.  

Getting Obsessed With Alice(1994)

On the topic of girls, there was Alice whom I kissed that one night at Airds, when I was young.  Yep we were at that woman’s house, which escapes my mind right now (her name was Felicity, remembered).  There we were sitting on the couch as my feet were entwined with hers.  

I’m not sure where this came into the story but I remember asking her auntie if I could go upstairs and say goodnight to her.  There were cautions expressed, but I was allowed.  Up I walked, leaving Imad downstairs with a puzzled expression.

Up the stairs I walked, not really wanting to travel my way there.  Walking into her room, I called her name, but she didn’t answer.  Thinking she was probably sleeping or at the most pretending, I knelt down and gave her a kiss on the cheek, then walked my way back down.  For someone that hardly knew her, that would be called perverted or scary, but that was me back in the day.

Staying over Imad’s house that night I traveled to her house early the next day to find she was trying to keep away from me.  Knowing she was probably awake the night before, when I asked, she told me she wasn’t.  

When we were downstairs and she had her back to me, I swung her around.  Gripping her softly on the arm, I asked her what was wrong.

After a moment of silence, we kissed each other.  

I thought it was the best kiss since the beginning of time.  Linda ended the kiss soon after, and then walked upstairs leaving me stunned.  

For the rest of the day she wouldn’t talk to me, but she willingly kissed me.  I was confused.

Writing Alice A Letter

Another act of stupidity and my relentless chasing up with literature, I wrote her a letter.  As usual back in those days, it was a long one and straight from the heart.  Having her auntie give it to her, I’m not sure if she read it or threw it away, but she hated me more after that.  It’s like I was obsessed back then with trying to over-please a woman.  It was ridiculous.  

Linda despised me for a while.  Then we were on greeting terms a year later when I noticed her on the street coming home from school.  Once again, I would like to read the letter I sent to her, my letter that she would have had.

The Hidden Poem To Jewell

Also noted while reading through my letters, I noted a hidden poem that Jewell would never have seen.  This poem would have been written back in the day when I was at work.  It was around the time that I was producing the CD because it has the relevant dates imprinted.  So as a tribute to the progression of my talents with literature, let me introduce my untold poem.

If ever I say I hate you, you know I mean I don’t,

Whatever I’ve done to hurt you, you know I meant I won’t,

Whatever I do to love you, I do it from the heart,

For love will break the best of ties and hate will seem so dark…

Why is my life so tainted, when I think of you as gold,

Who closes their eyes in silence, lets tears and blood turn cold,

Look into the darkness, tell me what you find,

Can you carry on in life with a figment of your mind,

Glide to me once more, let me hold you so sublime,

If you choose never to let go, I’ll hold you all of time,

All day thinking of you, all night speaking of you,

Thinking of the best of ways to tell you that I love you,

Deep into the night, you cry your tears so silently,

Looking at the stars, knowing that you love me.

This letter probably never reached Jewell because of the portion spoken about love.  Back then I was confused and didn’t know.  To be quite honest, I don’t think I fully had a grasp on love yet.  That’s probably why I was so cautious.  What I do know is that I felt greatly for Jewell and ever since I had first seen her, she was in my mind forever.  

Unlike everyone else, these feelings were remotely different.  Saying that I loved Jewell would be selfish to my needs right now, but I can back up what I had just said.

This diary is somewhat like my own weekly publication in a newspaper, only daily.  Like that in a newspaper, I can say whatever I want and study my points of conversation as I do here.  So, a column in a newspaper won’t be a bad accomplishment for me.  God knows I have had experience for the past three years.  

Prestige In My Poetry To Lyssa

Another point I would like to publish while I’m still on the topic of poems and my letters is the letters I had sent to Lyssa.  Reading upon them I realize a lot of prestige within the wording.  To say I have a favorite poem ever sent to Lyssa would be hard to consider.  But the two best poems are the poem that emanated clouds and had an overall greatness in potential about it, and the poem with Lyssa’s full name inscribed as the starting letters of each sentence.  

Obviously not having all my poems sent to Lyssa in my folder, I would have to say the best line I’ve come across that is bewildering and incisive is that of the sentence below…

In your heart, there are no words that are absent, you do not speak, but I hear, like the wind, every syllable of your presence.

So there you have it, the earliest of my vanities with women from an age that is Pre-Diary but still of chronology.