A Sense Of Love For Jewell – Mad Chaos: May 19, 1998

The Drum Media Advertisement Fail

Now that the day has slowly passed I have some more to add, but not too much.  Today I really wasn’t expecting too many calls regarding the singing position.  What I got was no calls today, so that relieves me somewhat.  If I don’t get a couple of calls tomorrow then there would have been some problem with the advertisement for me to have no reply.

All day today I have gradually been getting a headache and until I popped a Panadol (for the first time in around six months, the first time this year probably).  Now the pain does not persist.

Work On Second Dedications CD

While at home today I was working on some of the artwork.  With the instrumental for the song “Ol Skool” just in I was ecstatic with the whole notion of what I was doing.  Mixing the instrumental with a different version of the song to what I had, I am astonished with the possibilities of this work.  In the instrumental I will have the poem being recited.  Then it will go into the chorus, which is “Am I Dreaming”.

The newest part of the song that is on the imported CD from America (given to me for free by the way), is a loud string part that leads to a more mellow tune that repeats, “Loving you, I’ll be loving you” over and over.  What my thoughts were on this was to place “Jewell” within the two parts sung by the vocals I hire.  It would sound mad.  

Another difference to my CD is that this last song will have its own track instead of doubling off another song.  That way, I now have ten songs on the track.  I made the adjustments on the computer.  Pretty cool.  

I then mucked around on games all day, as my headache got worse and I got more bored by the moment.  My thoughts were to ring Jewell but I didn’t end up doing that.  I held back.

Dabble In Photoshop Editing

As the time neared 4:30pm I tried calling Lyssa at home because I needed to talk to a living soul since I had been at home for the whole day.  Lyssa wasn’t home but a couple of minutes later she gave me a call, as she just stepped in her door.  We only talked for a couple of minutes, even though I told her how bored I was.  Nikita called Lyssa.  She told me she would call back soon.

Soon turned into an hour, as I patiently waited.  While I was waiting I remembered that Ali’s Celica car pictures were on my computer.  I worked on them for a while and changed the colors.  

Talk With Headache To Lyssa

When it was too late I gave Lyssa a call but she was on call waiting.  It turned out she was now talking to Toby, so I had to wait a couple more minutes.

Lyssa called me back.  Once again we only talked for a couple of minutes.  By now my headache was getting worse.  Holding the earpiece of the phone to my ear was torture.  Because of my headache I started getting picky with Lyssa and would talk loud.  

Lyssa had to leave the phone once more, as she had to call Velda.  So once again, I waited.  

Within all this time Lyssa had come to my house between the first and second call to pick up her makeup and hair dryer that she had left here for the day.  Lyssa also gave me $20 and her shoes that had torn apart so that I could have them fixed tomorrow.  Lyssa could only stay at my house a couple of seconds because her mum was angry.  She had only enough time to take her things, say a few words, give me a kiss, and then walk out.

Now back to my normal conversation, when she called back it was half an hour later and once again I was frustrated.  As soon as we got to talking she had to leave.  This time Carleigh was at her house asking her to come out and look at the new car she had bought.  Lyssa had to hang up the phone but promised she would be back soon.

Lyssa picked up the phone after ten minutes of looking at Carleigh’s car.  Lyssa and I talked about her shoes and where to take them tomorrow.  Then we talked about what she was wearing on Friday when we visit Chili’s.

After twenty minutes Lyssa had to leave, this time to watch ‘Beverly Hills 90210’ but all was calm now.  

Ali Goes To A Strip Club

As Lyssa viewed her television I gave Ali a call.  We talked for about twenty minutes about what I have done with the cars.  

He told me how him and his tech friends went to a bar and there were topless girls dancing around.  

They didn’t go all the way but there was a raffle going on and whoever won the raffle got a private lap dance from one of the girls.  One of Ali’s friends kept buying tickets.  With his luck he got a beautiful blonde to give him a private dance, or so Ali says she was glamorous.  Ali and I then talked about the weekend briefly.  I let him go after that.

Some time later Lyssa called me back and we talked for about twenty minutes before she had to go to sleep.  Hectic was her day today.  I thank my lucky stars I wasn’t still living at her house for today.  If I was living at Lyssa’s house I would have been very angry, as she spent countless hours talking to her friends on the phone while I was probably watching television by myself.

Planning Ahead

My planning for tomorrow, I have to get up way early to head for Campbelltown and do this shoe thing for Lyssa.  After that I will collect myself the ‘Drum Media’, see if my advertisement is in there and if it is, I will head home fast.  At home I will await for phone calls all day and hope that I find the right two voices at the right price.  If I can’t find my two voices I have two other options.  

The first option is to stick with the man who has already found me two voices.  The other is to either look around agencies for other prospective people of I could call Kofi and ask if he has any connections around Campbelltown.  If that does happen and there are some people, then it will be cheaper and I can keep it tight.

Relationship History With Lyssa

Now to the topic of Lyssa and I.  In two days, Lyssa and I are celebrating eleven months together.  To my knowledge we have argued on the third month, sixth month and tenth month.  Lyssa and I have broken up at least twice (or supposedly broken up).  I believe that Lyssa and I will make it to one year.  I just don’t believe Lyssa and I will make it to the end of this year.  Maybe it’s not so much that I don’t believe, maybe it’s so much that I don’t want it to last for so long.

Whenever the time comes, things will be real tough for the both of us.  There are always times that I think what will it be like without Lyssa?  I think I won’t be able to cope some days and she will constantly be in my thoughts, but I know there comes a time when our two paths shy away in different directions to do different things.  Maybe one day our paths will meet again, but I know with Lyssa I can do without, but memories I can’t do without.  

If Lyssa and I break up a month from now it will be hard but I can accept that and move on.

If I were to look into the future I would probably see Lyssa and I ceasing to exist at the start of October.  This is déjà vu to me because the sentence before this one, I know I have thought about or written one time before.  Not the part where Lyssa and I cease to exist but I know I have planned something around October that related to a girlfriend.  I was tossing up whether to write late September or early October to make it sound longer.

Feeling I Loved Jewell

There are times when I lie next to Lyssa at night and I think to myself, “I Love Lyssa.”  That is so true but I can’t finish that sentence without saying that love is being sidelined next to my emotions.  So there you have it, my heart is playing a deadly game with my emotions and feelings.  Love is such a grand thing and so confusing.  There are times when I think that I should have told Jewell I loved her in some sort of way before breaking it off.

Lyssa is the first person I have ever told I loved but the first time I ever felt love was with Jewell.  I just only wish I told her.  To this day, Jewell still does not know what my true feelings really are.  In her heart she knows.  Jewell would hear them through my poems.

Jewell told me that once Lyssa and I are through and I am back with Jewell she would never let me call Lyssa.  Although I can accept that, I can never forget what Lyssa and I were and still are.  I’m not sure if I could handle not talking to Lyssa again.  It’s moments like these that make you think.  This is what is inside my head.  These are my true feelings and this is what makes my heart beat every day of my life, my thoughts.

Lyssa is a big thing in my life, almost a year now going out and we have known each other for longer than a year.  Jewell and I have only seen each other for two or so months and I believe our feelings are great indeed.  They have been chiseling away at a marble stone, taking imaginable form every day until one day, that statue will stand tall.  Every curve an art form of unbelievable depth, and as I recite forth to thee, ‘Remembrance, as do I bleed for all the right reasons or for wrong’ I have clue not to know.