The Concern That Lyssa Is Pregnant – Mad Chaos: May 13, 1998

As the new day dawns I have plenty of information to add that could change my whole prospects on life.  As I have just jumped off the phone, there have been many changes in my thoughts and things I have learnt.

Phone Call With Jewell

Before I called Lyssa at 9:30pm I talked with Jewell on the phone for just under an hour.  She was surprised to hear from me so suddenly.  I just wanted to have a good old conversation with her.  I told her I had to go for about ten minutes and I would call her back.  

In that time I gave Lyssa a call at 9:30pm because I thought she would try and call me and I didn’t want her catching me on the phone.  Lyssa knows that I would have been calling Jewell, I told her a day or two ago I was calling but she wouldn’t have known I would be talking to her when I was.  To avoid problems, I done what had to be done.  That’s when I heard the news.

Lyssa Has Pregnancy Concerns

Firstly, Lyssa hasn’t had her period yet.  That can be one of two things.  Lyssa is either on her way to spawn a newborn or she is just on a late path this month.  Lyssa was really upset tonight before she went to sleep at 9:30pm (which would now have been last night).  

Before she went to sleep we told each other that if nothing happens from now and this morning, Lyssa would call me from work, she would come home and we would buy a home pregnancy test.  If the test comes out positive (which means we have fertilized Lyssa), then we will talk about it further and then seek advice.

As hard as it could be, we have already made decisions as to what would happen if Lyssa did turn out pregnant.  I’m not sure how it could have happened but I’m sure that there was one time a week or two ago that I talked about a close sexual encounter in my Diary that I thought could have possibly led to this.

Lyssa and I have discussed an abortion with one another and feel that would be the best possible rendering of the situation.  Neither of us wish to parent at such an early age, as I speak of the present.  How we both know it, there is no possibility of our stability right now that we would want to parent.

Feeling Different When Calling Jewell Back

Before talking to Lyssa and thinking everything was just fine I was alright talking to Jewell.  Talking to Lyssa made me think that I had bigger problems on hand than to talk to Jewell, but in my mind I wanted to forget about the problems, so I called Jewell.

Things were weird when I called Jewell on the phone.  I tried to act normal but things just weren’t right.  In my head I was constantly thinking about the problem with Lyssa and I, and about my present.  Jewell picked up on that straight away and commented to me.  At first I denied having a problem but with Jewell’s persistence and her strategic way of attacking a point she is trying to make I faltered.  

In her simplest form I gave her my simple answer of how I was thinking about a problem in my mind and that it had nothing at all to do with Jewell.  Relieved she was to hear that, but she was curious as to what was bugging me.

Understanding as Jewell was, I asked her to just talk to me so I can forget.  She started telling me about Zola and how she had seen me on Saturday night and how Jewell had gone to see Grease the stage show and how it was brilliant.  Things like that we could talk about with energy until I talked to Lyssa.  

In some moments the problem at hand I was still thinking about and almost all the time, it was in the back of my mind.  Nevertheless, it grew further in the back of my mind.  I just didn’t want to think about pregnancy, and at the same time didn’t want Jewell or any one else to know.

Revealing My Diary To Jewell

Jewell then told me how Monday was May 11^th.  As she told me that the date raced through my head with significance.  That time last year was the date Jewell and I started talking to one another freely.  Fifty days after our fifty days together we were once again reunited by memories, but that’s all, as I couldn’t see what had adorned as beauty to my face in the first months of togetherness.  No… now it was only of visions and words.  And that’s how Jewell and I have kept it from that day on, never seen each other in person except for one time when I got a glimpse of her walking in the distance which I didn’t even know at the time was her, nothing to capture my mind.

Because of that topic I asked Jewell if she ever knew I had a diary.  In all my life, Jewell has never known me to keep a diary.  My Diary was secret from the day I met her until the present, which is now the past.  She was curious about some of the dates.  I told her I would read her parts of a date she chose.  Jewell chose her birthday this year and I was amazed to find that there was not much literature for that day.  

To come to think of it I don’t think I even talked about Jewell’s birthday for that day.  It was the days leading to April 2^nd that told the full story.  

However, you can’t get the full story of my Diary unless you have read it cover to cover, and that’s my whole life.

Emotions are always different, from day to day, how I live, whom I breathe with and what I imagine, it is always different in every part of my life.

I found it hard to read passages of my Diary to Jewell.  There was just so much there that was not about her or things she would not want to hear.  There were also things there about her and for her that I could not say.  For example, the CD in my mind now was in my mind back in April.  There were many barriers I couldn’t cross and didn’t want to cross in respect to Lyssa.  It’s times like these that true values of life run through your mind and of your future.

Jewell wanted to know about the present, things that I just couldn’t tell her.  Because of this I entered a new frame of thought.  

Learning That We Don’t Know Each Other Well

I asked Jewell, “What do you know of me in the present?”

Jewell told me, “I know quite a bit.”

I asked, “Tell me one thing.”

There she sat for an immense amount of time thinking, she didn’t come up with anything.  

I asked Jewell, “What do you know about yourself in the present?  What can you see?”  

Jewell told me, “I know I am in my room, I am lying on my bed, I have boxer shorts and a jumper on.”  

I then asked, “Do I know all of these things about your present?”

Jewell answered, “No.”

I then asked Jewell once again, “So, what do you know about my present?”

Jewell then responded, “Nothing.”  

I then asked Jewell, “What do you know if you don’t know my present?”

After some time trying to figure out what I was trying to say we finally worked out the only things Jewell knows about me.  The only solid thing Jewell knows about me is my Past and what she thinks of my Future.  The future isn’t solid, it isn’t etched in stone but the past is.  

I told Jewell because Jewell doesn’t know my present.  It was a good thing.  Jewell doesn’t know about my present and I don’t want to tell her.  Same as the things I didn’t want to read in my Diary, they were of the present.  The only things I could read to her were of the present and some selected pieces of my future.

The present to Jewell and I was already the past as we are not together to live for the moment.  

How can you live for the moment with two separate lives?  

The present as Jewell and I know it will one day become our future.  Our future will extend to become something completely whole and new.  To Jewell and I there is no present to talk about, only memories and thoughts.  I can only envision Jewell right now as to what I knew of her in the past.  Both of us were stuck on those thoughts.

Near the end of the night Jewell asked, “What is wrong with you?  Can you tell me?”

I tried to specify my problem tactically.  I know I couldn’t tell her and she didn’t want to ask.  In the end it was time for Jewell to leave the phone.  The time was past midnight and Jewell had to jump off the phone because her mum would have hung up.  

Jewell was real sad to jump off the phone, she really didn’t want to.  Neither did I.  I knew that when I jumped off the phone, harsh realities would bite back at me and I would realize my present.  As an escapist, I use my time to set free my other side.

Tensely Anticipate News From Lyssa

Lyssa has been asleep now for some time.  As the time is 1:07am I think to myself that Lyssa is fast asleep, dreaming a nice dream, and in a world of her own.  Here I am, thinking and patiently waiting.  Here I wait for Lyssa to give me the answers that I have been waiting for.  I am worried yes, but will be somewhat relieved when I find out.

Like I said before, this changes completely my frame of thought.  Things on the outside will always be the same to whoever is viewing them.  On the inside, Lyssa and I will be torn and never the same again.

I’m listening to my new CD now.  I have been listening to my newly made instrumental repeatedly, trying to figure out differences and mistakes in the piece.  I know I should get some sleep now.  I’m getting tired and just want to sleep, forget about some things.