Constructing An Optimism Chamber – Mad Chaos: July 11, 2004

The rain pours down its welcome influence, which breaks monotonous sunny days in winter.  I welcome the rain because in a phantom month devoid of color for eleven days, its simple bliss reminds me that there is balance.  

I need to find personal balance because I have experienced a disharmony for over a week now.  Resolutions and other factors – like a visit into town to view temptations or to visit an internet café or even small socials to bolster a mood – added color.  

I am so deprived this month that I have been unable to even listen to music.  I can sense normality is close now however.  I have suffered ever since a social-induced apathy caused inertia, but I will remobilize soon, and exercise will be the catalyst.  I just need an optimism chamber, where even small influences like rain to break monotony, a loss in kilos on the scales or a touch more work done in my memoirs will produce a rise of pleasure.

Late Night Memoir Entries

I had such a case of pleasure today because I had a productive few hours in my memoirs after television, just as I finished the earlier entry.  

I finished up a small interval in my memoirs at 5:45am.  

Then I watched some news for a couple of hours before I decided to sleep at 10:00am.  I had five fish fingers upstairs and had a talk to mom before dad and her drove to meet relatives today.  I wanted to keep awake all day but sleep beckoned me, so I answered the call.

Writing The Memoir In My Dreams

An hour or so before I woke up today, I had similar semi-conscious dreams where I would repeat sentences in my head in order to remember them for these memoirs.  It is a weird sensation because I could memorize four to five sentences like it were on a computer.  The lines that I memorized in my dream are exceptional, but once I wake up, poor memory and a lack of correlation frustrates me.  

I am often frustrated in dreams as well, where I build up these sentences, only to become distracted by another dream.  So I repeat the process and rebuild the sentence, which is until I wake up.  

I had a dream as well, which was sexual and very vivid.  I should have woken up to remember it because it was surreal.  I remember a woman picked me up at a club.  We went back to someone’s house and had sex, which was enjoyable.  

After the sex I recall the lady wrote a report on me and posted it online for all to see, which is surreal because it has parallels to my memoirs.  

I remember I liked her critique, but it was a much more elaborate dream than that, so it frustrates me.  

I would rather have a sound sleep and keep my dreams in my subconscious, or wake up and write them down, instead of how I procrastinated for an hour or so until 7pm, which is when I eventually woke up.

I believe my circadian rhythms are out of sync now.  I have to amend them soon.  

Getting Momentum Through Chores

In any case, as I woke up, I looked at my computer (which has been on for a day or so) and noticed I had been online uninterrupted for over thirty hours, which is a record for me.  I downloaded a game in the process, so this was a nice morsel of momentum for me to derive some pleasure from an otherwise limp and drab month.

I decided to step on the scales today and adopt normal proactive procedure.  It was another nice morsel of momentum in the optimism chamber, where I measured 84.2 kilos.  

I used this impetus and all the other factors to muster up the motivation to wash the dishes also.  I loathe the dishes now ever since the Jasper house incident repelled me from its chore, but I was relieved once this reminder of inertia was over and done with.  

I had dinner after this, as mind you, all the prime-time shows were now on television.  I had Alfredo pasta sauce mix and the usual cordial.  I still drink water on occasion.  I nonetheless have to become dedicated to nutrition and exercise once more, which is hard in this somber mood.

Playing PC Game Praetorians

Ever since dinner I viewed some rugby league matches live online, watched some television and played my new computer game, which is “Praetorians”.  I became absorbed in Praetorians for a couple of hours, and now here we are.  

I should say it is a weekend and there has been no social to speak of, which has its pros and its cons.  I find I am more bored on weekends alone because there is no enjoyable television.  So one either has to find some other means to become passionate, or else the only alternatives are research online or computer games.  

I am lucky I have the Internet now because it becomes a safety net, but perhaps it also made me lazier.  I have no plans now in any case.  I will watch more television, play more computer games or research obscure history or myths online, until I am ready once more to sleep and enter the realms of abnormal dreams.