Anchoring a batch sheet of notes under the writer keel, with no talons for chronology and confused still as to the writer method, an immediate zeal is shown in this defining theme progress, where it was a day of achievement but nonetheless a day, shaped of a knowledge as all those years and hardened by its moribund crossroads, to page such a day unfaultable, as unflawed as the writer would to thee now.
In this elated day on song with my emotions, bereft of negative interference and freed from anxiety of mind, my adventures delivered a vital lesson learnt, which may by bad happenstance have not occurred were my laziness to get in the way.
A Social Weekend Breeds Calm
As all good days, off the back of three murmurless sleeps it came, aiding to my settled feel and lack of suffocation to not wake restlessly from old paranoid beliefs. Sneaking rumbles from upstairs never met my anxious response, which never opened insomnia to another day.
So in this becalming weather, where a weekend visit from the boys and some quiet distance away from distractions set prepared my nature less lashing, it helped me to wake up in a neutral, more natural mood.
Tending my wrinkled frown towards the morning bird red sounding its alarm, a foundation mood predisposed neither here nor there was almost compromised by a bottleneck loathed attitude to being an outsider in a snugly acquainted group.
Motivation to make up the day was hard. It almost made me wince to sleep, but the thought of being breached in the back of my mind was no asserter itself. So it carried me to the bathroom shower, where steadily did the water cleanse bad karma away.
Battling Anxiety While Landscaping
As time moved on, landscaping work was almost looked forward to. My only fears were those of acceptance into the group. But as my lesson unfolded, the best way to manage my fear was just to be myself, and the rest in this pristine sense followed.
Being indoors makes me batty; marking my independence outdoors keeps me sane. Immense stress at home and suffocation are precise contributors to my deprived mental state. It doesn’t help when the computer or television are the outs for those. It only tortures me more to remain in, forced-coping with brain-numbing escapes as my guides. It adds to my unsure self, and makes me this suffering depicted lost confidence in addition to bad self-esteem.
This ailing house sour as well as disappointment in myself only deepens the ache. So only in independence does it seem like a first relieving step.
Being out of the house needs money to suffice my steadying mentality, and depression is imminent without it. Keeping from depression is complex however, which involves many lets and traps to sustain me.
Beginning from a universal truth, for many reasons, being indoors makes me batty. Equally, in many reasons, salvation comes from breaking those holds.
A Manufactured Life With The Memoir
My memoirs used to impel my moods disproportionately, whether it were by sitting in front of these manufactured moments for hours talking about downers or the like. Boredom or uselessness was gauged by a flood of passion. So in this importance contrived, the power of my memoirs made reality mine an impassioned norm, and this artificiality now understood, undoubtedly was bad back then for my health.
Such emotionally intense focus transported me into that world so sapping me of sanity, which made it hard not to accept the livid extremes that were the anxieties of my days. Therefore, at some stage when the writer imploded so badly out of hand into his world, it could be safely said that my memoirs no longer sustained me.
This worsening path – coupled with a paranoia of noise from upstairs and financial insolvencies was one reason of why keeping from depression was so complex.
A Sustainable Road To Better Mental Health
My memoirs made me so serious. But albeit, opportunities now arise to keep me from such unsightly reminding burdens as home, its quicksand gravity and fixed realisms. However, keeping from depression is still complex. No old meander to a brothel would sort my head into any favorable disposition, as neither would a pointless jaunt add to my merry array.
Being out of the house has to have a purpose, otherwise it only adds to the hopelessness already exhibited at home.
So there is a catch to emotional and mental health bettering, because it has to be sustainable, and better than a quick fix.
There is a catch to emotional and mental health but it starts from feeling neutral at home. Depression is easy when there is nothing but more depressing things to fall back on. It is even more so lacking fallback money to fund those curative depressing things. But when money is at hand and smarts are wise, the complexity in unraveling depression head-starts with good choices.
Unraveling Depression With Positive Choices
An example of positive choices would be my decision to make a budget and stick with it, which when followed to its detail, today made me feel in control, ordered, and then accomplished. It was as if its choice staved my circular faults, freed some uncertainty, lessened depression, stymied uselessness, and granted me conviction, some confidence and self-esteem.
Negative choices seldom excel me in life, are short-lived and are like eggshells to tread on once its patching effect wears off. An example of negative choices would simply be to remain unproductive on computer games as social acceptance passes me by, or worse, to use its depression as an excused fancy to visit brothels so as to satisfy the hang-ups that motivate my feeling sorry.
Anxieties used to make me depressed as well because it caused much of my grief, but fortunately slow progress has strengthened me from past bad examples of choice; from exacerbators like cigarettes, marijuana, massage parlors and to a lesser extent, these memoirs. Therefore, there were choices in my life to make.
In an unfortunate way, because my anxieties back then could not be immediately helped, when my memoirs were not there to cling onto, my choices were mostly bad ones. Bad choices never did me a favor, but the good ones did. So patience was the lesson here, patience to stick to those good choices in their lengthy durations, and understanding.
Learning Patience Through Positive Choices
Rehabilitating from anxieties was a key lengthy duration, which needed much patience and understanding but it was worth my sanity to make good decisions, considering the complexities of depression.
There is much more to these black and white issues however, of how sometimes one needs a compromise to counterweigh clean decisions. An acceptable compromise would be to borrow money from my parents even when borrowing would be an admitted failure and causeway to depression, because its other option keeps me from feeling suspended or depressed. So the paradox of borrowing is the lesser evil of the two.
Borrowing does not add to uncertainty because my ability is always there to pay it off. Regardless, the point of all these words is that keeping from depression is complex. There are many ways to toe the line, to piecemeal succeed, or to slowly fail.
Diary Of A Mad Chaos is a daily diary written from March 1996 until today, of which individual books and book series have been created, namely “The Lost Years” an exploration of young, entwined love, the “Wubao In China (猎艳奇缘)” book series which provides an extensive comparative analysis of the cultural differences between Eastern and Western societies, and the book titled “Foreigner (华人)” an exploration of race relations in Australia.
