Going Three Days Without Anxiety – Mad Chaos: January 14, 2003

Having three days without an imprint of anxiety has been a bonus taken on.  It helped today to make me feel emotionally neutral, stable and in control.  

Keeping the composed front was not even consciously in me, as there were no anxieties when heading to work and no anxieties about having no anxieties on my way to work.  The lack of frailty was witnessed similarly all day.  So in this uncannily dependable fashion is how my day began.  Usually there is some unnerved point to contend with.  But today, without a doubt there was none.  

Making My Way To Work

In black and white, the first positive choice was in deciding to face short fears of acceptance and fitting in, which was my first moan upon waking.  As the shower instilled me some optimism, facing my budget and drawing on its list invigorated me a little more, serving to compromise my earlier fear.  

On went my underwear, my shorts, shirt and shoes.  Then down to the shops they carried me, an assist to buying a magazine and bacon bread with my withdrawn money.  

At the bus stop a suited man greeted me with a ready smile, happy-go-lucky to share as we talked before the bus came.  His name was Drew.  In earlier solitude trips on the bus, he was known as the lucky guy sitting beside the ready-made fantasy, the two most glamorous girls there.  Both were blonde and both received my admiration but on this day after our festive talk, he only partnered one.  

Saying his farewells, as Drew boarded the bus, it was apparent he wanted to concentrate his interests on this one blonde.  But in a positive start to my day, where no shred of social nerves were seen nor an unhinged personality identified, it was fine to survive and end on a sturdy strong note, having reflected a positive impact and impacting my neutral self.

Practicing Sanity At Landscaping Job

Meeting those unfamiliar faces for work was not as daunting as once thought when as we alighted from the bus.  The day was filtered with keeping myself preoccupied by reading my magazine, sharing it around amongst the group to achieve some savvy common bond, as it also helped to talk to the lone early bird sitting aside a column waiting for our supervisor to appear.  

A negative choice and one subjected to anxieties would have submitted me to my predictable, freak, introverted behavior tapered to a person who would remain silent because of his anxious breed.  

I however didn’t want to be coaxed to that end or chained down by retreats and inhibitions and neither had to because of those faithful three nights and my natural behavior.  

Learning To Crack Jokes At Work

Work as a landscaper for H&H Accredited was a discovery as well, which allowed me to be myself once the first was made.  People were there that were already comfortable with me.  While this group for some odd reason loved laboring, it was a natural field to display my tongue and cheek.  

Once the mischievous used to roam free, and on this day he reclaimed some parchment of pride, exhibiting his usual idiosyncrasies, of singing in tongues, stretching my bowling legs, turning sanity corners with the tip of my pick, and filling my boredom with fast-quipped cracking sarcasms.  There was nothing pseudo about me.  Love me or hate me, it was the blank canvas on which painted was the mischievous me.  

Learning A Lesson In Humility

A moronic ignoramus pushed buttons all day and hissed his immature unintelligence when someone else started him.  He happened to be the same person who was my positive chance at the start of the day, the early bird whom conversation was struck with in lieu, wearing a lagoon blue jumper and identically undersized cotton pants to match it too.  He stood out.  None of us appreciated his hothead antics.  Nonetheless, even while he was annoying and people poked at his laughable threats all day, he still taught me a lesson.  

I took note when butcher missy flailed incognito with her flirts, how she threw him off with surprise criticism, and how he brushed it off with mere humility to say that he had heard worse.  A turn like that would have veered me off perhaps to turn on a woman, or in the least lose interest for the sake of pride.  But if this goon had any purpose today, he served some my way with a leant note on humility.

Avoiding moronic sourpusses by keeping social neutrality was easy today, as were the innuendos when needed.  But alas, work in the grand scheme was only one part of a majority.  Once we mulched, beat pickets into the dirt with a mallet, erected alongside them a walled wooden paling and planted some trees, we were ready to resign and head home.  

Visiting The Hairdressers

Adding to my day with two pocketed rolls of undeveloped film, those of Byron Bay, it was my initiative to retrieve them from the lab in which they were sent to at lunch.  Whilst waiting however, a haircut was imperative.  Along with the photos being developed, it was another budgeted choice, which made me feel good coming with their respective bonuses to release more endorphins out.  

Without my shyness, the hairdressers were a chance schmooze.  It happened so to be when a girl called Calista drew me smitten.  Being a sexy small, with a tiny frame to my shoulders, supple and cute, and with a sound frame from her head to her toes, the lover closely admired when effortlessly we shared eyes, with a gentlemen’s interest more personable than kosher.  Having shaved my goatee and face as well in the morning, it made me brim somewhat more in confidence, and we did well.  

I never stepped over the line in our quaint conversation, but our holidays were always expressed, as well as more engaging issues, which my standard reserved demeanor would never do.  We spoke on a more personal level.  For once it really seemed like humility could be faced, and it was.  

Making some word to show Calista my processed photos, what we were so avidly talking about seemed nice reception talk when my hair was cut and we were handing around money.  

Talking Myself Out Of Flirting

I made my advance there, never planning on an awkward return.  But it happened that she was leaving the hairdressers in the middle of the day coincidentally as my walk back down the street had commenced.  There we met to turn the corner acquainted.  Again however, an advance without the black and white of seduction is like a picture postcard you can neither enter nor ignore, and this is how it was when we talked.  

A business posture was over me to prohibit my leap of faith.  While it could have come in many ways, as in coming clean with a confession now that she was in a more attractive domain or saving my sincerity to wade for her number instead, it wouldn’t have worked.  

Dark in the back of my mind were questions about how she would call, where we would hang out and what sort of pressures my poverty would bring.  So patience was the key, patience as that when rehabilitating from anxiety or that to needle good choices through, instead of becoming too urgent to make regretted mistakes.  

I was not ready for Calista yet even if romance was.  But this was my reason to be exposed to limits and to not take my choices beyond what they were able.  An answer either way would have been an unwelcome compromise, either if she were to say yes to set my struggle thereon, or to thankfully say no, and by no fault of her own, ruining my perfectly good day.  

I may one day be ready when limitations no longer persist but until then, the picture postcard will only be my life, like the trio of bikini-clad girls noticed in my Byron Bay entourage of photos, pristinely inviting as the beaches to look at but stuck from as far as my mind can reach, more so.

Kyra Flirts In The Supermarket

Doing undue discredit to the writer name as speedily we move on, once my hair was cut, photos picked up and Calista detoured down a street to happily look at my slideshow, my wand steered home and then inspired me back to the gym.  

A more honorary moment today was upon leaving my house from the gym in middle afternoon to bump into Kyra down in the local supermarket conveniently in the last aisle.  Buying toothpaste was on my agenda.  But my good mood prevailed, as we held a reticent smile and then continued into a conversation, to which one couldn’t pry us apart.  Perhaps it was the aftershave on my face doing the trick, but it was marvelous my attitude and what a bit of flirtatious fun can do.  Without a sheet of fear or anxieties to hold me back, it was easy to just be myself, as perhaps the time holidaying done me well.  

Kyra pulled up her shirt willingly to show me her flaking sunburned skin; we joked and chatted all in couth and then experimented with the fragrance aisle to spray out some perfumes.  

“What’s it smell like,” Kyra said, charting comfortable territory as she strut a heel up to collect her favorite deodorant perfume.

For the first time, instead of some fumbled response to make us both want out, for the first time she was baited with a compliment.  

She waited, held herself out to be considered, and heard me strappingly reply, “Gorgeous.”  

All the time she was taking gesture punches from me.  She never let me go.  To be nice, she walked me to the front when we were done, to where there our fancies made a deserved neutral part; where neither was not wanting, nor better, nor worse.  

Once again someone walked away with the sincerest of pleasant thoughts, and it was glad of me to naturally make their day.  Whilst Kyra knows too much of our awkwardness to sway her mind so soon on me, if a better night sees better days and all of this in my bettered ways, then perhaps if the mischievous often displays this more admiring side, her mind of old views will sway, to be the first of my fancies more than so a fancy.  

A Positive Gym Session

Having a close call in possibility is a nice motivator, as most shied close calls do, so the image of keeping fit was only welcomed in my mind to visit it.  Now workouts recently have entered me into a zone of composure.  Where a gym would have intimidated me months to years back because of lacking fashion or bad mirroring confidence, it is totally contrasted through recent months to days.  

A workout shakes my unshakable nerves as soon as my focus tunes in.  Like a promised breath of fresh air, determined focus on my sets has a tranquilizing effect on anxieties, which makes me totally independent during my stint there and always makes me feel good afterwards.  

Visiting the gym more than once a week however, requires money.  When needing at least fifty dollars a fortnight for preventing dehydration and travel costs, a budget does compliment me in my bid to keep moving.  I want to work out again tomorrow because the vibe of molding a toner body stimulates me.  In a scenario where the writer is no longer an overwhelming headache, my free time could in decisions prosper.  

A Glimmer Of Personality Surfaces

Anyway, to finish the story, on the way home my second surprise came, as Drew was spotted halfway up seated in the bus with the missing blonde mistress of the morn.  As we noticed each other and said hello, it was only polite of me to sit down.  We sparked up conversation upon the coincidence as if we were old friends.  

Drew happened to know a lot of my old-time companions however, as we went on, with me bearing no second thought about the others on the bus.  I was enjoying an unusual element with a gentlemanlike behavior, breaking into all common interests like cars, jobs and people we knew.  Heck, it was even in my effective speech to add an arming line to the blonde belle by his side, which was my favorite one ever since seeing her springy height step impressively off of the bus some weeks ago.  

I enjoyed our coincidence because the three becalming days leading up to it allowed me finally some personality, debonair and sophistication.  An awkward moment wasn’t even created here, as Drew left two stops before mine.  When hopping up, my polite look back to farewell the angelic lass was met equally with her quaint mention that it was nice to have met me.  

To me, it signaled that for once, people for a whole day mistook me as normal with no internal flaw to jut me out.  

It felt nice to leave pleasant thoughts in their mind instead of curious ones.  Drew even remembered me from days old back with my long hair, mentioning my frequent daily scuttles down the street.

Girls Attracted To Fit Bodies

Anyway, in this afterglow of day and its defining theme progress, there is one more addition to point, an observation made so obvious by my liberated display today.  

Cheek and muscle used to be what worked for me.  How girls fell smitten for it, until you saw it easily in their eyes; and the cheek was present today.  

My only wish was to find work and not be so limited.  But until then, may the mischievous gall be hidden away in convictions of workouts until his frame be won back, and then his pride of wealth, and aye, then too so shall it be, his pride.