Tired Of Being Abused By Lyssa – Mad Chaos: December 16, 1997

Once again I’ve slept over Lyssa’s house.  The reason I stayed over was that her brother’s birthday was on last night and we visited a restaurant for his birthday.

Job Search In CES

Starting off Monday, I got ready early in the morning.  I left my house at 9:30am without asking my dad for a lift because I think I’ve relied on my independence over this year. 

Traveling to the CES I looked for some part-time positions but could not find any. 

I saw William also while I was in there.  We had a conversation about old times. 

Spend Time At Lyssa’s House

Lyssa asked me over her house last night so I caught the train and walked to her house.  When at her house she was really good towards me, all kisses and hugs.  I like the way she was acting and it makes me feel good. 

Velda called up while I was there.  After talking to Velda for half an hour, Lyssa came up to me and gave me a kiss.  She told me that Velda was coming over and forgot to mention I was there.  After that moment Lyssa really wasn’t kissy anymore. 

Velda Comes Over

Velda came over.  I tried to stay away from their conversation so they could have some privacy, but then I thought I was being rude, so I joined in.  The conversation was still as strong, so nothing really changed.

When Lyssa is around friends and me she tends to act as if I’m one of her friends in the respect that she doesn’t have to show affection towards me.  I found that out more when Penelope called up and Velda went to pick her up. 

Lyssa decided to go with Velda because she had her L’s only and Lyssa had her Blacks, so it wouldn’t be illegal.  So Lyssa left me at her house by myself, but it wasn’t that much of a hassle because no one was there to taunt me.

When Lyssa came back I just went to hug her and kiss her, but she backed away.  That made me angry, but then I realized that she smelt like smoke and she had one with the girls when she was in the car.  The fact of that made me angrier because part of the reason she left was to have a smoke and she left me alone in her house.

Penelope Comes Over

While Penelope was over she still treated me like a friend.  I followed along making conversation whenever I could.  Ali called my mobile phone.  He talked to Penelope for a couple of minutes.  Penelope found out about the accident and I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone I heard from Ali. 

Ali and Penelope spent the day together yesterday.  Ali has his Celica fixed already.  Imad took him to get some spares and then he fixed it.  Having no money is a drag.  Knowing your partner has money to spend but won’t spend it with you is more of a bitch.

Bielka also came over for a short while.  Then they all left together, including Lyssa.  Lyssa asked me if she should go because of Velda’s License.  I thought she should do what she thought was right.  She left me alone in the house again, but this time when she came back she didn’t have a smoke.

With no one there to distract us, Lyssa was still acting as if I was her friend.  Lyssa probably thought she was in the wrong so she rubbed some massage oil on my back and it felt real good. 

Dip In Lyssa’s Pool

Thinking a dip in the pool would be good, I asked her, and she agreed.  Getting something to eat before I jumped in, Lyssa got impatient and told me if I don’t hurry up she won’t go in at all.

Finishing my Kiwi Fruit I walked to the pool and lay down to soak some sun before I jumped in.  Lyssa was being persistent to jump in the water, even though she was just jumping in and out.  The atmosphere wasn’t right for Lyssa and I.  She walked away because I wouldn’t get pool floaties that were much closer to her. 

“Why are you getting angry at me,” I went off at her.

She wouldn’t answer, so I lay down to get some more sun. 

“If you want me I’ll be inside,” her comment made me feel really unwelcome.

Not wanting to start a fight over nothing, I walked inside and sat with her, trying to hug her.

Tired Of Hearing Lyssa Say No

As we lay there and the commercial was on, I thought I would muck around with her and give her some pleasure.  She didn’t have a problem with that.  I made her sweat and feel real good.  The only thing that bothered me was every time I would try something she would say “NO” even though she wanted me to. 

From this day forth I never want to hear Lyssa tell me ‘NO’.

So I’m not going to try anything, I’ll let her ask.  I know this will cause hassle because she will think I’m angry because I’m not trying anything.  If she didn’t say ‘NO’ all the time maybe I would be satisfied with her all the time we do involve ourselves in sexual intercourse.  Instead, because she says no and doesn’t really try to pleasure me, I have to go home and satisfy myself in other ways.

Being of an aggressive nature she told me ‘NO’ in pain.  As I took my fingers out I had blood on them.  Lyssa cleaned herself.  I think after all this time I either broke her or hurt her.  I held Lyssa because I thought she would be scared.

Prepare For Birthday Party At Chinese Restaurant

After the drama was over I had a shower.  Then Lyssa had one after me, as we got ready for Kuper’s Dinner Party for his Birthday at the Pink Diamond Chinese Restaurant. 

Lyssa’s mum came home.  Then Kuper and Carleigh came home.  As Lyssa had a shower I had a talk to them all. 

When everyone was ready we all jumped in Lyssa’s mum’s car and drove to the Chinese restaurant.  Lyssa was more receptive to me at the restaurant.  At times I felt uneasy being around her family in a secluded area but I was fine most of the night.

The dinner was extravagant.  I learnt how to us chopsticks very quickly.  It was a four course meal and it was a Chinese Restaurant, which cost a fair bit. 

Nathan and his family from across the road walked in while I was eating.  I waved to the whole family except for Nathan. 

After cutting Kuper’s Birthday Cake and watching Lyssa’s mum burn her hands on sparkling candles we ate.  Carleigh had the camera out taking pictures.  There was one taken of me and Lyssa and then me with Lyssa’s family. 

Watching everyone but me and Lyssa have a smoke after every course of meal I felt for Lyssa because she had to watch it.  But then I felt good knowing that she withheld the urge to smoke or even look upset.  The bill ended up over $100. 

Then we drove back to Lyssa’s house where I had to sleep because I had no way home.

Lyssa Starts A Fight Over Smoking

Then we parked ourselves out the front.  The moon was red, as it was covered behind some clouds that arose from a fire earlier on in the day.  It looked beautiful. 

What spoilt the view was when Lyssa opened her mouth and said to me, “Can I have a smoke please?” She said it as if I owe her that smoke because she’s been so good.  That made me mad to know that she asked me and she knew it would start a fight.

At first I tried to comfort her to take her mind off smoking, but she didn’t want me to touch her, kiss her or even look at her.  This made me angrier.  So then I started asking questions.  She just got even angrier. 

I wanted to go for a walk to see the Christmas lights down the street.  She agreed to walk with me.  But when I asked to hold her hand she wouldn’t, so we ended up sitting back down.

She made me feel like I’m the one who should be to blame for everything and she’s angry because “I Won’t Let Her Smoke.”  Once again I’ll clarify myself and just say while I’m with her she shouldn’t smoke because I don’t believe in being around my girlfriend while she’s smoked.  It turns me off.  Because it turns me off she should respect that and not even bring it up in conversation, but she doesn’t know how.

Being Silent Towards Lyssa

I got angry and went for a walk around the block.  When I came back after relieving some stress she was sitting with Carleigh. 

Walking back Carleigh said, “Where did you go shitty pants?” 

Obviously Lyssa would have told her something about where I was.  It made me angrier to see Lyssa wasn’t very receptive as I came back to her house.

Carleigh came and went.  While she was gone there was barely a word spoken between us.  Lyssa walked into the house and told me she was going to sleep now and I could come in if I wanted to.  Lyssa made me feel real bad, like she didn’t even want me there.  I was thinking hard about just walking home, considering how late it was. 

Walking into Lyssa’s room I just sat there in silence and didn’t talk to Lyssa.  Rather, it was just like I was waiting for my execution.  I was waiting to sleep in the lounge room.

Lyssa and I lay my mattress in the lounge room.  Then she walked away in a rage and slammed her door closed.  Very pissed off I just lay there most of the night with my eyes open and the lights off. 

Lyssa walked out once or twice into the kitchen to talk to Carleigh and Kuper, but she was probably doing it to make me feel more uncomfortable.  She came into the living room after half an hour of silence and me with my eyes open.  She sat next to me, gave me a kiss and said she was sorry.  Thinking that was a good gesture I said goodnight to her.  She went to sleep and so did I.

Lyssa Disappears With Velda

Later on today I found out that at 1am Velda knocked on her window.  She jumped up to the back door and talked to her.  Lyssa was confused as she says and left with Bielka, Velda and Emanuel because they stole some Santa signs and were throwing them all around Campbelltown. 

If Lyssa was at my house sound asleep and someone came to my door asking me to leave for a few minutes I would always say no.  How could I even consider leaving my girlfriend behind in my room even though she’s sound asleep, only to have fun knowing she’s still at my house?  You just don’t do that. 

Nevertheless, Lyssa performed that feat and came back half an hour later because she thought it was slack to me.  She shouldn’t have even left.  When she told me that story, I felt as if her friends came first to her, that she would treat me second best when around her friends and would step on me more times than none.

Lyssa Despises Me In The Morning

Waking up in the morning today I heard her mum walk out of the house and wake Lyssa up.  Then Lyssa woke me up.  She was giving me a kiss and she said for me to wake up.  Thinking in my head that I could have a bit of extra sleep while she was in the shower, I told her to have a shower.  Somehow she took it the wrong way and stormed off to have a shower.

Lyssa woke me up later and told me we have 15 minutes to get out of the house.  Responding, I got ready in ten and was angry with her for that.  As we were walking to Leumeah Station she wouldn’t wait for me and would constantly not want to look at me and still wouldn’t kiss me.  Apart from that I held her hand, and we caught the train to Campbelltown.

In my head I was thinking to myself, “How would Lyssa treat me when we meet up with Penelope?” 

Lyssa was a little angry with me.  I thought because of that she couldn’t wait to be with a friend so she could brush me off, like she’s done before many times. 

Meeting With Penelope In Campbelltown

Walking to the X-Ray doctor where Penelope was, we sat down and waited for her.  When she came out we went for a walk and Penelope wanted to buy us something to eat so we walked to McDonald’s in Campbelltown.  Once again Lyssa treated me as just a friend and got angry when I was talking to Penelope and she got cut out of the conversation like Lyssa usually does to me.

Lyssa was walking on the wrong side of me so I couldn’t hold her hand.  At McDonald’s I didn’t want much from Penelope so I just had a large orange juice on her account.  That was a good gesture, as we sat out the back eating and drinking.  Lyssa was alright until now and didn’t try brushing me off yet.

Lyssa Treats Me Like Dirt

Walking around, Lyssa was looking for a frame to buy for her mother so she could put a photo in there.  What surprised me was that she had $40 to pay for it and didn’t mention anything to me about the money.  Up until now her money is still a secret from me.  Lyssa and Penelope were talking about buying the frame from her mum in secret from me, like Lyssa didn’t want me to know about her money. 

I’m just wondering when Lyssa received the money.  I know it’s for presents but Lyssa told me at McDonald’s and in a rude way that I wouldn’t be getting any presents from her and none of this money was for me.  I’m not sure what the rest of the money was for, but I’m sure it was for presents.

Walking back to the X-Ray place, Penelope told Lyssa that she could go if she wanted to.  But Lyssa told her she’ll stay and visit the doctor’s with her. 

Penelope then said, “What about Tony?”

Lyssa said, “Well, he’s going home now” like she basically chose Penelope over me. 

“Tony, do you want to go home,” Penelope asked me.

With the face and pride that I still had left, I said, “I’m going home anyway.”

How rude was that for Lyssa to say, “He’s going anyway.”

If Lyssa really wanted to she could have asked me along to the doctors.  After all, I wasn’t doing anything but I made up an excuse that I had to go somewhere in Campbelltown anyway.  Penelope looked worried for me because she knew Lyssa might have done something wrong. 

Lyssa gave me a kiss on the cheek and so did I to her.  Then she said goodbye.  We looked at each for a couple of seconds, and then went our ways.

She asked me what time I thought the bus was coming.  Then she didn’t say anything more about it.  I thought she was actually going to spend some money on me and not make me walk home in the 30-degree heat, but she did. 

Ten seconds later when they left, I looked down where they were.  Penelope was giving Lyssa a cigarette which made me real pissed off.  Lyssa basically shrugged me off for a smoke.  To come to think of it, she could have had one last night when she left with Bielka and Velda.

Regret Leaving My Job For Lyssa

I’ve made a big mistake leaving my job at Martinson Engineering.  Part of the reason I left was that Lyssa wanted to spend more time with me.  Now I think that just having arguments on the weekends was better than one every time we meet. 

I also realized that most of my money was spent on Lyssa because I felt she would be happy.  Now that I don’t have money she treats me differently and we get into more arguments. 

It’s a good thing that Lyssa hasn’t dumped me yet. 

She’s better than that.

Suffering Abuse In The Relationship

It’s come to the point where I despise Lyssa and what she does.  Most of the time she does things to piss me off.  I used to like spending money on her and didn’t mind how I didn’t get anything back in return that I could hold and cherish and say Lyssa gave me that.  Instead I’ve come to the stage where I’m being abused.  So I decided, no more am I going to hear Lyssa tell me ‘NO’.  I won’t let it get to the point where she says it. 

What aggravates me also is that she hits me in public when she gets angry.  If I was to hit her in an angry stage even once she would cry and never want to talk to me again, and she would think I was the worst person on this earth. 

When I tell her not to hit me in public she says okay but never listens and does it again.  When I ask her not to yell when we have arguments and to talk more civilized to me in a less aggressive manner, she would agree but then go back to her ways.  I’m not really pissed off with her right now but I’m at the breaking point.  I’m at the stage where I just don’t care anymore.

She is the only one that I care for, that I think of everyday and that I would give all I am for.  I care so much for her.  Now I’m afraid to show my love for her.  Still to this day she makes me feel like it’s wrong to say “I love you” because she won’t say it back.  I’m not sure in which direction I should go now, and I don’t know how much she really cares.

Job Search In CES

When I left Lyssa and Penelope I walked to the CES and talked to William before I walked in.  Today I found a good job in there for a full time position in the City.  They wanted a résumé faxed through, which I didn’t have at the time.  They are very keen, so since I have nothing to do right now, I might walk back to Campbelltown and get it faxed through. 

Later on today I might call Ali and see what’s up with his Celica.

Suffering Trauma From Abusive Relationship

I have a feeling that Lyssa will call me later on tonight.  She knows she’s done something wrong and will try to make it better.  I don’t think it will get better.  I’ll say that I’m alright which I am.  But I still have the thoughts of today and yesterday in the back of my head, how she treats me like a friend and dumps me to fend for myself, because she wants to be with her friends and her smokes.

I remember the two times I was at her house last night and she left me alone, to the time she left at 1:30am to be with Bielka and Velda and probably had a smoke, to today where she brushed me off to be with Penelope and have a smoke.  There are more polite and better ways to do it. 

Also, for her to hit me in public and make me look and feel like a real bad person, that I’ve done something to my girlfriend so bad that she had to hit me, makes me feel like shit.  We walked past one woman that went “Ow” when Lyssa hit me across the Chest.  That might have made Lyssa feel good but it made me feel like shit.