Jewell Flirts With The Friend Zone – Mad Chaos: July 28, 1998

It’s been long enough now.  More than two hours have passed since I’ve finished my conversation with Jewell.  My intentions were to talk about this subject tomorrow because I just couldn’t be bothered writing all the details.  Knowing that it would be around eight pages I also didn’t want to write at the heat of the moment where my thoughts would have been crisp, but too disclosing.  Rather I speak now with a clear mind and conscience and am in a happy mood.

An Argument With Lyssa Over The Phone

Tonight after my last entry I didn’t do much except to talk to Lyssa and then Jewell.  

Lyssa was the first to call me at 8pm.  Not too sure about the content of our whole conversation I do remember having a heated argument.  

“You seem to be happier now that you have all your friends to hang out with, and Braxton too.  You two might get back together.  That’s good,” I said.

Lyssa then spoke her mind to me.  

“Penelope overheard that you have always wanted to get back with Jewell.”

“What?  Who told that to Penelope,” I started to get pissed off at that comment.

I sure as hell never mentioned anything about Jewell to Penelope.

“I talked to Penelope some time back about how I spoke to Jewell on the phone every second week,” the truth came out of Lyssa’s mouth.  “Penelope then told Ali.  He then commented to Penelope how you always thought you would get back with Jewell.”

Thinking back after our conversation I only briefly remember saying something on the line of that, but not in that context.  Ali should know better than to say something like that to Penelope anyway.  They both have the tendency to talk too much and spread gossip.  It was inevitable.

Making Excuses To Call Jewell

From there I started an argument about how I thought that idle gossip would taint my name amongst Lyssa’s friends.  To think that she was inviting me to her birthday party, everyone would be looking down on me.  As for Penelope making those birthday party plans, it seems like a personal vengeance against me.  

“I have to go to the toilet.  I will call you back,” I told Lyssa.  

Needing to go to the toilet I also needed an excuse for when Jewell was going to ring me.

Calling Lyssa back up I fabricated a story.

“I just called Imad.  He was busy when I called so he will be calling me back some time soon.”  

In case Jewell called that would be my excuse so as not to upset anyone.  And seeming I was talking to Ralf beforehand, I thought that would be the excuse I would use with Jewell.

“Penelope has a big mouth!  What was that little talk you had with Kiley about too?”

Lyssa and I argued some more.  My thoughts were that Lyssa and Kiley were discussing whether or not Braxton was better for her, but I doubt that at this point.  “Why should I care anyway,” I hear you saying.  Because I do.

Offer To Call Jewell Back

Jewell called me as I planned but it was over an hour late.  Jewell started to get me worried while I was waiting for her call.  That prompted my discussion with her tonight.  

“Ralf has been on the phone to me for two hours.  I will call you back soon,” I made my excuse to Jewell.

I returned from call waiting back to my phone call with Lyssa.

“Imad was just on the phone returning my call,” I made up the excuse to Lyssa. 

Then we kept talking.  This is where the sparks really started to fly.  Because I was saying abusive comments to Lyssa, she hung up the phone.  

Calling Lyssa back, I wasn’t finished with my point.  But from then on we started to patch things up.

“You are being stupid about the whole matter,”  Lyssa thought.

Maybe I am being a tad paranoid, but those comments really upset me, because they were partially true.

Jewell Reveals She Wants To Be Friends

Just after talking to Lyssa I called Jewell up.  Trying to change the mood I was in, I had to put on an act at first.  Still, the realization that Jewell wasn’t being truthful with me started changing my thoughts.  

At first, Zola was over Jewell’s house.  Zola was working on Adobe PhotoShop for a school project.  We talked for about ten minutes about her life and how she has been doing, basically about anything.  Like Jewell, Zola is so easy to talk to and adds a bonus of hysterical laughter, something she just can’t stop herself from.  She was born amused.  

Saying goodbye to Zola she was escorted out the front door.  Then it was just Jewell and I.   

From the start of our normal conversation I was edgy on whether or not Jewell wanted to talk to me at all.  

Knowing I had a problem in my mind I confronted Jewell about my issues and we tried to sort them out.  

“We need to sort out what we want from each other.  Can you tell me what you want from me?”

As our conversation lengthened, I kept asking Jewell the same question over and over.  It seemed more and more as if she wanted friendship.  Jewell was confused and twisting her words.

She finally said to me, “Friendship would be good.”

Mixed Signals From Jewell

Hearing Jewell say to me that she wanted friendship made me very irritated, knowing that for the past year or more, Jewell has been trying to give me signals that she has more intentions than just friendship, and that I made her realize that.  

When we broke up Jewell, wanted to be friends, so I said okay.  I also told her that had it not been for Kofi reminding me that Jewell was missing my companionship after I got with Lyssa, I never would have called her that soon.  

My intentions were friendship back in those days, as Lyssa and I got more acquainted with each other.  As time progressed, signs from Jewell kept drawing me to ask her questions.  As a result of her persistence, I started to get hooked within the fantasy.

Jewell never willfully shared her emotions with me, but when I persuaded her, she would read me poems meant for me, express her sorrow when we broke up, and relate to me regarding our future.  Finally when I was totally infatuated with Jewell and the sinister way in which our emotions were entwined, Jewell broke off our relationship of passion over the phone.  She wanted to be my friend once again after so long trying to change my mind.  

To Jewell I wasn’t budging from my position.  

But Jewell’s persistence was etched in my mind like detailing left on an encrypted sarcophagus, not to be unearthed.

The day of the excavation did arise, and only two weeks after our discussion.  I would like to think that my shutting Lyssa out of my life wasn’t due to Jewell and my infatuation with a fantasy, but I would be lying.  Rather I have come to terms with my stupidity but still remain to be stupid.  

Lyssa and I were great together.  I am sad that we had to end it, but I have learnt from my endeavor that Lyssa is also persistent in moving on.

The Desire To Meet Jewell

Hearing Jewell explain that she would like to be my friend after all that torturous and dangerous encountering over the phone seems absurd.  Both of us have come this far and because Jewell can never seem to have a straight mind and is always in confusion, we both suffer.  

Knowing that if I let history repeat itself tonight it wouldn’t have ended.  Once I moved on Jewell would have remained with the same thoughts in her mind.  The cycle would start again when I found someone else to confide in, and Jewell would once again twist my mind into our fantasy.  

Jewell and I will never become full circle until we see each other face to face.  

Only then will be able to evaluate whether or not we want to be together and either move on naturally or stay together.  Full circle is when Jewell and I can look each other in the eyes and know if we want to pursue a life together.

Seeking Clarity On Many Issues

Another bugging problem on my mind was the fact about Jewell’s conspicuous phone calls.  

“I hate not knowing,” I informed Jewell.

“You have nothing to worry about!  Those calls had no hidden agenda,” she assured.

We then started to solve another problem of mine and how I thought Jewell liked her mystery best friend.  This is the guy that befriended Jewell and then tried getting onto her.  

“With that guy, he liked me, but the feelings weren’t mutual,” Jewell told me, “and he wasn’t an obstacle in my path towards you.”

Rather, the obstacle was Jewell’s mind and thoughts.

Jewell Gets Angry With Me

With only one constant tone to my voice, I was depressed and kept badgering Jewell for answers.  

One time, there was one thing that Jewell couldn’t remember.

Being sarcastic, I said, “What?  Were you drunk at the time!”  

“Don’t you bring that shit into this conversation” Jewell flipped.  

“Sorry,” I immediately apologized.

This was the first time I ever witnessed one of Jewell’s mild attacks of anger.  

Hearing Jewell angry turned my feelings around.

“You know, you sound cute when angry,” I let out a laugh and let her know.

Jewell’s feelings turned right around to being happy.

Jewell was just building up tension like me and needed something to release it.  Because I made her happy straight after anger, Jewell complimented me.

“You are good at placing two differences in contrast with each other.  For example, one minute I’m angry.  The next minute I am happy.  Only you can do that to me, and you are good at it.”

Despite our laughter we kept pursuing my answer on whether Jewell wanted to be my friend or something more mutual.  I told her a story.

A Story Of Changing Feelings

“I noticed that your feelings changed over the year. You know, after a whole year of talking to each other over the phone, sharing feelings, it hurts me a lot to hear you say that you would want a friendship.”  

Jewell knew she was just kidding herself.  Never would I be able to sit down in a room and think of Jewell as a friend when we could have been so much more.

“You put too much restrictions on friendship,” Jewell remarked.  “Like, one restriction is that you do not want to hug someone that isn’t your girlfriend.”

“That’s just me,” I said.

I was brought up to be timid if not in a relationship.  Having no problem with my girlfriend hugging a guy friend, I just find it irrelevant to hug a lady.  Even when I wasn’t going out with anyone, I considered it a sin because I always took the woman’s thoughts into perspective.  Hugging is not my style.  That would explain it.

Jewell Shares Her Opinions

Jewell also uttered her opinion on how we are always opposing each other.  

“I noticed that when we have our differences of opinion, like tonight our discussion turns into a scuffle.  I don’t like that.  I believe that is how our relationship would be,” she commented.

It is much safer for Jewell to be my friend forever than be my lover for less.

Jewell started to change her mind about friendship.  I was distressed and making sense, and she could see that.

“I can see you make sense about being in a friendship or relationship.  So, I will agree with whatever you say.”

That made me upset because it would be placing all power and decisions into me.  

“Then we should meet.  Only then will we know how we really feel about each other.  Can you pick a day that suits you best,” I wanted everything to be equal between the both of us.

Once again our meeting was dragged on longer than it should have been.  Saying to Jewell that she could chose the day was a step back from getting nowhere.  There is still a blanket over certain aspects of Jewell’s life she hasn’t taken the time to share with me.  You can be sure that there is more than meets the eye when being with Jewell, more to find out.

Inviting Jewell To Meet Me

Jewell had to get to sleep very soon as it was nearing midnight quickly.  Thinking that I had to share my thoughts about meeting Jewell on Thursday (since it has been on my mind since we discussed a meeting time) I knew all the thoughts in my head had to be let out.  

“We can’t meet tomorrow.  I will be going out tomorrow and probably wouldn’t be home to collect one of your calls.”

Once again she failed to explain where she would be going as common courtesy, but instead, secrecy.  

“Okay, goodbye,” I said to Jewell.

She knew that it was wrong to hang up the phone because it wasn’t finished, our conversation that is.  

That then gave me a chance to speak my mind, as I was finding a way around directly inviting Jewell over on Thursday.  Jewell got the hint and placed some consideration on the matter.  If I don’t see Jewell on Thursday where my heart was set then I will probably remember that day well and despise it.  Though, I do believe that Jewell will deeply consider coming over my house on Thursday.

Jewell Hides Her Bulimia

Just as we were finishing up Jewell informed me about her health.

“I am not sticking to the doctor’s dietary plans anymore.”

“For what reason,” I wondered why she did not follow the doctor’s orders.

“Because he wants me to gain a couple of kilograms.  I don’t want to,” she replied.

Before it wasn’t such a hard-hitting subject but I do believe that Jewell is heading into the bulimic stages.  Jewell started getting sick, as if she was about to throw up.  That led to my questioning her diet.  

With me in her life I really believe that I can turn her bad habits into good habits, and have her healthy.  I also believe that it would be disastrous if Jewell and I were ever engaged in strenuous physical activity.  You know the kind.  I would be afraid of Jewell’s health in a situation like that.  She would dehydrate quickly.

Clearing my mind of my thoughts we said our goodnights and then hung up at 11:30pm.  

Relieve My Sexual Tension

Since then I’ve been watching television and tried to occupy myself so I would be relaxed when writing in my Diary.  There was just tension about writing tonight because I knew it would have a big impact on my liability in these pages.

Just then I visited the shower to relieve some tension that I might have had from tonight and today.  It’s been a boring day home alone with nothing to do but watch television and listen to music.  

Ali Puts Down Imad

Just then I gave Imad a call to see what he was up to.  

“Did you hear that Keith is sending Lance to court?  Allegedly Lance pushed Keith at Mobil service station.  Anyway, what else is new?  Have you seen Ali lately,” I asked.

Imad then started complaining about Ali.  It seems that Ali was too overprotective at his brother in law’s birthday party this weekend just passed.  Ali brought out the camera for the night.  Whenever Penelope would jump up to dance, he would always get defensive.  

There was this one time where Penelope was dancing with Mazin and his wife.  Because Ali doesn’t like Mazin that much, he literally pushed Penelope down and out of the dancing floor.

Penelope also wanted to pick up one of the little kids and remarked, “Let me have him.”  

One of the people at the party said, “Maybe she meant me, or maybe she meant you Imad?”

Then Ali commented, “Why would she want that fat shit for,” in front of everyone.  

That’s some obsessive behavior that Ali is putting out.  I always gathered he was like that.  

Lyssa made a comment once or twice why I never defend her like that.  I told her it is because I’m not as obsessive as he is.  I let things go.  Imad isn’t talking to Ali at the moment.  He doesn’t need dogs like that.

Looking Forward To Hotel Night

Before I head off I would like to note that Lyssa and I are not through.  Before both of us part completely, we have to finish with our last encounter at a hotel.  Originally Lyssa and I were getting together at her birthday, but I think it would be more appropriate two weekends from now, about the tenth of next month.  

Lyssa and I will be using a camera for our actions.  I am looking extremely forward to that moment.  

Having pictures of Lyssa in the nude excites me.  

Not only because I have them but also because it’s another sexual act I have been involved in.  There were thoughts in my mind about using a video camera but they have been extinguished.