Managed Withdrawal From Olanzapine Medication – Mad Chaos: June 29, 2004

Last night I watched news, tennis and more news.  I went to sleep at 6:30 am.  The dial up internet connection was allowed to download more pornography for hours amid blissful sleep.

Ceasing To Enjoy Life

The daily minimalism marches on, as more and more, issues of resolutions are distorted because of my lack of discipline or focus thereof a primary function.  

I have ceased to enjoy life in the last couple of days.  I only saw the sun once today, and it was from inside the backyard screen door.  

I am disappointed because I have lost the drive I had a week back.  Ever since then, life has become sedentary.  I have failed to exercise for four days, and in those four days I have gained over three kilos.  

I also failed to exit the house for socials in town, so my brush techniques and spontaneous approaches have remained dormant for weeks.  These techniques need practice in order to evolve, so in a sense, I have allowed this mischievous side of me to plateau.

The Curse Of The Memoirs

I have been a recluse and a slave to these memoirs because I have sacrificed normal pastimes as well as other important resolutions to make my memoirs more complex.  I have done this because I use the notepad on my mobile phone to record days in graphic detail.  So the repercussions of a successful social immobilizes all resolutions until the writer is finished.  Motivation is so hard to muster in stormy biorhythmic days, which only compounds the issue and wastes days.

I need to input less into these memoirs so that they do not monopolize my time, but it is such a hard ask when the writer is such a hegemonic force, an overlord over all other disciplines.  He is pressed like a megalomaniac to include nuances, small intricacies and detailed analysis of days he will later use as projects to revise.  

I wish I had more hours in the day.  

I also wish the appetite to write is there when required, but in some hours of some days, the depressors overpower me and sabotage my ability to possess the vocabulary and recall necessary for an articulate memoir.

The Shadow Of A Social

Once more, in the shadow of a social, the writer transforms a potential success of resolutions into a simple day.  

I woke up around 11am to urinate.  I could have remained awake but instead I decided to sleep.  I love to sleep.  

I hope heaven allows people to sleep because if so, I am endeared to the day I enter its realms.  

I wish sleep were a sport because I have such beautiful sleeps.  But on some occasions, like today, sleep is interrupted by the telephone.

I had to lean over off of my waterbed to pick up my mobile phone.  It was my counselor Osred on the other end.  He called me at 12:15pm.

Sleeping In On Counselling Appointment

“Nice sleep,” he said to initiate the conversation.  

I had an appointment today to see him, but because of all the distractions around me of late, it slipped my mind.  

“I forgot.  I could ride down on my racer now,” I said.

“How about we reschedule our appointment,” he rescheduled to see me in over a week.  

“I will post you a letter with details of the interview,” he added. 

I contemplated on whether to wake up after this because I needed to inform Osred of my new address.  But instead, I drifted off back to sleep.

Writing A Memoir Entry

I never awoke today until 3pm.  This epitomizes how run down the last week has been, partially because of the Internet and partially because of memoir deadlines.

As I woke up I measured 85.8 kilos on the scales and then had a shower.  I then phoned Osred as I came back into my bedroom to inform him of the news.  We were rather impersonal.  

For a couple of hours since then I concluded on a partially completed entry.  When my cerebrum was exhausted, and as the time reached 6pm, I switched to the news and to dinner.

Managing Withdrawal From Olanzapine Medication

I believe I have handled the suspension of Olanzapine pills well so far.  It has only been three days.  In the last experiment (at the start of the year) it took six to seven days before relapses of certain sensations were documented, but the landscape has varied somewhat now because I have Alprazolam to fall back on if and when I do feel the symptoms of schizophrenia.  

So far I have experienced no adverse results from my withdrawal from Olanzapine, but I have had to take my second dose of Alprazolam three hours after the initial dose, which means my insecurities made me feel the need for a pill to make me feel more secure.

I still believe that Olanzapine could be a placebo and all my problems are in panic and adrenaline rushes. If so, it would be a revolution.  

I still believe I have schizophrenia.  I will experience adverse effects like chronic awareness, paranoia, extreme mental abrasion and illogical fears.  It may take a week for relapses to subside, but so far I have been able to lead a normal life minus Olanzapine.  

When my allowance arrives tomorrow, the social stimulus will be rich study to examine whether my behavior becomes introverted as a result of a chemical imbalance or whether traditional medication like Alprazolam will be able to sustain me.

Making Fun Of Mum

I had a meal of beans and meat soup from around 6pm, which mum had prepared earlier in the day.  I was thankful because there are a lack of foods in my fridge, hence the midnight raids like a mouse upstairs.  

While I had this meal I viewed the news broadcasts and had my second Alprazolam tablet at 6:30pm after a second dinner of round beef with broad beans.  

I was a rascal to mum like usual, which is rarely documented.  As I made dinner I would speak to mum in facetious mockery.  I like to satirize our conversations because mum is so cliché when she speaks.  So all the lines she has used a million times before makes me repeat her words with an omnivorous melodramatic exclamation.

I watched more news and documentaries after this.  I searched online for idiom dictionaries, but none of them were free, which frustrated me.  

MSN Messenger Chat With Lani

I then signed into Messenger around 8pm.  To my surprise, Lali was there to speak to me and to be the first to say hello.  

Lali and I spoke for around an hour.  The whole conversation revolved around a reunion that we had to have.  I asked Lali if she received my text message days earlier, which started the ball.  

“I’m bored, do you miss me,” Lali then asked.

“I miss you enough to see you.”  

“Really, come see me then, or do you just miss the roots,” her comment made me laugh.  

“I bet you miss the roots,” I retorted, to then note that we only had one sexual experience.

“Yeah, I know but I’d like to do it again,” Lali opened up a door for me.

For a while we talked about alcohol, bourbons and sexual innuendos, which Lali and I are never afraid to add, because the circumstances in which we met were so exceptional there is no need to be coy.  

“I don’t need alcohol to have sex with you,” I was complimented.

I pestered Lali for her address, where she still lives up at Minchinbury because she has to mind her dad’s house.  

I meanwhile asked if Lali was still with Navi her former lesbian girlfriend.

Lali in bitter terms said, “She ended up sleeping with some guy in my dad’s bed one of those nights and dumped me, so yeah.”  

I like how Lali was honest with me.  I on the other hand had to put up a pretense that all was cool and I was still a partial stud so that I would not look like a loser.  I never boasted, but when asked if I was in a relationship, I neither said yes nor no.

Lali Wants A Fling

Lali said that she was in another relationship with a female for four months now.

I hounded her, “You’re in a relationship and you still want me to come over?”  

“We aren’t in a relationship,” Lali protested.

“Four months sounds like a relationship to me.”  

“It’s an average of how long we have been doing stuff but we are not in an actual relationship.  We haven’t even had full sex, we haven’t gone down on each other, we don’t kiss in public and we hardly see each other,”Lali defended her claim.

When all this was sorted out, I asked Lali for her address.  After a couple of requests had fallen on deaf ears, she eventually wrote down her address.  

I said I would rock up at her house on the first of the new month, which is in two days.  

“I’m going to come over in a couple of days and fuck you ragged because you haven’t had dick inside you (and thick dick at that) for ages,” the animal inside me wrote.

“I haven’t had dick since you,” Lali sincerely said, of course, because she is a recreational lesbian.  

“Well, it’s time to re-institutionalize that pussy,” I carried on.

Lali then offered me her mobile number for the day so I can call her.  Lali and I spoke dirty to each other afterwards but it was time to retire after an hour.

In A Hyper Mood

I had another shower soon after.  Though, because of a quirk of mine, where I am in a hyper mood, I looked into the bathroom mirror and said some ad lib movie lines.  I do this often when I am in a peculiar active mood, which is similar to how Lyssa used to be with me.  She would develop a feisty mood like she had eaten lollies, and would run around the house in oblivious delirium to entertain herself.  

I was like this today, I believe because I had to make my own fun when confined to this house.  So I had fun with mum to make her smile.  Then I had a conversation to a mirror, which made me smirk.  Then I undressed and dipped into the shower.

I was in the shower from 9:30pm.  Ever since then I watched more television, which consisted of a popular news analysis program of mine, followed by tennis.  

I wonder where tomorrow will lead me now.  I have to have a third stab on an entry.  

Finances – Balancing The Installments

I also have to shop for the fifth installment, which deprives me of money for basic necessities.  I will survive for the sake of the capital odyssey, but the cost will be less money for socials and much less food.  So, I can either use the new month to focus on nutrition and exercise and make it work, or I can fall back into a routine of cordial and numerous snacks like these last few days have witnessed.  

I feel less conflicted in a mental sense as well, as the storms turn into overcast biorhythmic skies. Perhaps more revisions will be done in the new month, which has been a battle of inches this month so far because of a sudden, unexpected slump.