A Brush With Lyssa Forces Reevaluation – Mad Chaos: June 8, 2003

Pushing Myself To Write

As the symptoms of my psychosis unbind their meaty talons from daily processes, a negative reaction has seen the writer this month hit a proverbial wall.  He used to love the oxymoronic prologues and the seemingly professional application, but he is torn today, as like any other day when his passions unravel.  

I loathe entries now because they emanate unsuccessful enthusiasm.  I would rather be bored and free from duty.  But some instances desire my input.  Despite my ordinary unwillingness at times, today is one of those days.

An Antisocial Weekend In

This weekend and particularly its coincidences make for very interesting fodder to my memoirs.  I spent the whole weekend unsociably at home.  Jasper did invite me out however to a club, but I chose an inactive role.  

The fifth therefore was spent at home waiting on the machine so we could play our signature computer game over the phone.  He ended up falling asleep however, so the fifth was a boring lack of impetus.

Plan To Buy A Mobile Phone

Yesterday was more involved with my visit to the gym.  

This also was a day of coincidences.  I kept thinking of the phone number received and how much of a pauper I was.  I prioritized my finances on my walk downtown, adding a mobile phone on the list of things to buy so as to call Yazmin sooner rather than later.  

I was embarrassed about being broke and without possessions, so my mind fluttered materialistically for a while, until the coincidences made me think otherwise.  

The Brush With Lyssa In Town

I thought it was a coincidence to see an old familiar face in the gym, and then to walk behind the badgering bane on my way to my bus stop.  I recognized her by the mole she has underneath and on the right of her jaw, but quickly squirmed across the road to avoid being noticed.  I think she did however, as she cleverly pulled her two unfamiliar friends up to face me from across the road, and then her trio turned back towards the shops.  I couldn’t believe it was her.  

The badgering bane looked a content shrunken figure.  I could tell she traveled a similar road to mine, in losing friends, reaching inward acceptance and having to settle for an inferior grade.  I saw this by the friends she succumbed to and by the sizeable disproportions she had grown into.  

“I had the best of her,” I thought, seeing that all the storage went to her ass.  

I presumed she would have had a breakdown scenario because she had many complexes about her weight, and now she had to live with it.  

Fate Forces Me To Reevaluate Life

I analyzed so much out of those few seconds.  In the end it made me muse.  

“One needs people to exist with and one needs people with which to grow,” I answered in the deliberative moments afterward, “and if one lacks one, then one develops complexities.”  

I need people to mature with.  I have lacked it ever since the lost years faded and my choices took me to an existence of associates for years.  I lacked it even more when the dispute with the machine severed our relationship months ago.  

I have been living an undermined existence since the industrialization age, which was since the problem month and on.  

I have found too that being alone only distorts the maturing process.  

People help to keep you on a path.  But without people, your path can lead you to many undesirable places, like bordellos, schizophrenia, or any other complex distortions.  

A Distinction Between Existence And Coexistence

I found a distinction between existence and coexistence in the few seconds of seeing the badgering bane, but the lesson teaches me well.  

I used to be able to grow with my last bastion the machine, but we are back on a mending road again.  Yesterday we had some direct play online.  Next week I might visit him.  

Perhaps this tide of sole existence can be turned around.  Perhaps I can find more than the nestles and jaspers who as associates, never share.  Perhaps I need to find new blood.