The more I look back into my Diary (only in the stages close to my break up with Lyssa and forth) the more I noticed that I didn’t really think that highly of Jewell’s actions. Rather, I had a love for Lyssa that would surpass all other temptations, and that showed every time I wrote in my Diary.
Loving Thoughts Of Lyssa
I wish right now that I wasn’t at home and out instead. Rather, I wish that I was still with Lyssa, so that my time would be full of loving.
To start, let me just say it’s hard to concentrate because for the reason that it’s so quiet tonight. No one is coming over anymore to keep me company and I’m not going out.
The only happiness I get is to think that Lyssa is out there tonight having the fun she so rightfully deserves, and to hope that while I sit here tonight and think in my head “I Love You”, that somehow she can hear my thoughts.
I love you, and I’m sorry.
Listening To Mariah Carey
Sitting here listening to ‘One Sweet Day’ by ‘Mariah Carey’, I can concentrate somewhat. More and more, the music that I have in my CD player makes me either angry or just makes me grow tired of listening.
Most of the R & B CDs in the CD player have significant songs for either Jewell or I. But rather, let me just listen to Mariah Carey now and keep listening to her for the remainder of this Diary entry, how long it may turn out to be.
Bored On A Friday Night
I’m not sure if you can tell in my passages of writing, but I am bored right now.
It’s Friday night, I have no money, no one is coming over or going out tonight, and everyone else is having fun.
Here I am sitting on my butt at home with nothing else to keep me company but a blank television screen and some tunes to my ear’s hearing.
That’s another thing. Because I have not much to say, these paragraphs have become shorter and shorter.
CD Deadline
This deadline for the CD is going to be tight. I found out another thing. Monday is going to be the 21st of this month. If Lyssa and I were still going out, this would be our one year and 3 month anniversary. Not that this will mean much if I give the CD to Lyssa on Monday. it will mean a small power to my mind’s ideas.
I know that giving Lyssa a CD goes against all my principles of unique ideas, but Lyssa herself is unique. She has always liked the idea of receiving a CD from me, so I’m giving her that satisfaction. It’s a shame that it will only be a CD and no real artwork or CD cover, but there will always be a next time for Lyssa and I if this comes through.
Actually, I know that if I really wanted to I could most probably (not saying for sure because of Bryce) have Lyssa by my side in the next week. That is what I’m trying to do, but in the smooth way she found to love me in the first place. Rather then some soft attempt to apologize and get her back in the sack quicker than feelings could be rendered, I would rather change the tables.
If We Got Back Together
If Lyssa and I got back together, it would feel much different for the both of us. Myself, I would feel as if other people’s eyes are prying on us.
Like Lyssa once said to me, “If you really loved me you wouldn’t care what other people thought.”
If Lyssa and I do get back together, sex won’t be the first thing on my mind. Rather, I will look to win Lyssa back over. After a while we will reunite our love, and I will finally say to her what she has always wanted to hear while we are making love.
“I Love You.”
This love could be so much stronger after this mishap of mine.
If Lyssa doesn’t get too attached to the idea of Bryce in her life and would rather a stronger love back in her hands, then she can choose me. But, Sunday is going to be the day that I find out if I should bother Lyssa with my love.
If Lyssa had a good time with Bryce, then I will once again try to swallow my pride and let Lyssa lead her life. Rather, if Lyssa didn’t do much at all with Bryce, then Monday I will be picking her up from college and we will be catching a train home together.
How will we both feel knowing that Lyssa wished I was there to take her home from Parramatta and me actually turning up out of the blue? Hopefully, there will be rightful smiles on our faces.
If all goes well that day and I tell Lyssa how I truly feel, I will give her the CD out of my pocket and hope for humor and love from her mind; humor for the fact that I used Misty Moo as my idea and love for the fact that so many words are meaningful within the songs that I have sent for her.
Lyssa’s CD Song List
Here now is the list of songs in order that I have chosen for my minds thoughts to embrace with a singer’s voice. All in all, there are ten songs forged within my minds ideas.
- You remind me of something – R Kelly
- Without you – Ol Skool
- My side of the bed – LSG
- And our Feelings – Babyface
- Forever – Damage
- Sexy you – 112
- Lying here thinking – II D Extreme
- Come with me – Keith Sweat
- Love You Completely – II D Extreme
- Oh How I Need You – After 7
Reciting Jewell’s Feelings
Before I leave tonight with these new thoughts in my head, and before I take a couple of pictures of my CD’s objectives, I’m just going to recite one of Jewell’s feelings.
Jewell recently told me that it never felt like we broke up when we did so long ago. That is what fucked me up through the time I was with Lyssa. At the start I forgot about Jewell and wanted to keep it that way. But Jewell being persistent with her tears made me feel guilty. That’s how it started. One conversation would lead to another, just as one of my kisses would lead to another, and then lead to more intimate feelings.
The same happened with me and Jewell, but in the mind instead, until I was totally fucked up in the belief of that fantasy, of getting back with Jewell and leading a perfect life. Rather, I was knocked back, and now I am paying for my mistakes.
Before I leave tonight, I pray the Lord my soul to take if Lyssa doesn’t realize how much my heart doth break an thou forget mine name. Called out to the winds in thy mind who dost hear not but now accept what ‘twas begot.
From thee, label of fantasy called as such of ‘Sniper’ comes forth such realism. For no reality showed such sweet face within the likes of thee, Jewell.
Betwixt reality and fantasy have I found my equilibrium. Mine love of Lyssa showed with mine second wind forth shown here as ‘C Sharp Records’ and ‘Star and Moon Productions’.
Hate I’th loved in fantasy and love I’th hated in fantasy as well.
Love in reality hast I loved as no reality hath come forth from such a forsaken fantasy. A hate to hate is also shown in reality, as I’th always thought this.
Diary Of A Mad Chaos is a daily diary written from March 1996 until today, of which individual books and book series have been created, namely “The Lost Years” an exploration of young, entwined love, the “Wubao In China (猎艳奇缘)” book series which provides an extensive comparative analysis of the cultural differences between Eastern and Western societies, and the book titled “Foreigner (华人)” an exploration of race relations in Australia.
