Asking Myself What I Want – Mad Chaos: July 26, 1998

Standpoints In The Love Triangle

It’s hard to justify the elaborate mayhem in this fucked up arrangement I call the triangle.  Everything that influences me outside these parameters has a meaning and a small but vital role in my part of the equilibrium.  Each of us has a mission to accomplish, and we are all set on our own ground.  There is no equality or unity in either standpoint of the triangle.  Each person has their own beliefs of what is right and wrong and all ideas either conflict or have a detrimental effect to each figure.

First there is me.  Hearing my testimonial dialogue within these pages you would understand.  Being weak when it comes to hurting other people’s feelings, I have a mission that started long ago and has never really drifted off to any other angle.  Although, as I’ve witnessed happenings around me changing day by day, my discretional decisions have become more evident.  

Since a day foregone I knew my fate of breaking up with Lyssa would eventuate.  Seeking Jewell I perceived within my visions of happiness, to be complete once and for all.  That was my mission… to part with Lyssa as considerately as I could (knowing that I still have a love for her) and then move on with time to Jewell.  After that I did not have a solid plan, and thoughts are still adrift.

Jewell’s Love Triangle In Focus

Not knowing either Jewell’s or Lyssa’s real intentions I can only speculate from what I know and hear, and this is what I understand of Jewell to date.  Since the beginning of our time there has always been confusion within her mind, one of her undermining traits.  With the conversations that Jewell upheld with me over the phone, I realized that Jewell still wanted to be in my picture, more than I comprehended.

As time passed Jewell made herself more evident until our final conclusion recently where she told me, she didn’t believe in me anymore.  That was the turning point of her emotions.  After, I believe she tried to move on.  

From what I know already, there is someone in her life that she boasts to be a very good male friend, one that made a pass at her.  Still, I believe that Jewell didn’t tell the whole truth as many of us do.  My philosophy is that Jewell liked this male and wanted to have me out of the picture so that she could continue with deeper aspiration.  Hence I came changing the angles of the triangle deeper within my favor, turning the ideology of separation.

Ridding myself of Jewell’s burden, I’ve kept Jewell within my grasp.  But I’m just not sure if she wants to be there.  Nor did I.  It was too early for the both of us.  But the persistence of her cold-heartedness I’ve received once before changed my pattern of thinking.  

I knew I wanted Jewell, but to what extent?

There are many obstacles in Jewell’s path that has become her mission, in my eyes.  To name a couple that push me into the distance.  Jewell’s formal where she has hired a hotel room, her year twelve exams coming up, nightclubs, freedom from eighteen, and her male friend.  

Jewell still seeks to find herself and her true potential.  I can see that her plans veer off with me in one direction and in another direction without me.

The triangle is ridiculed with lies and deception.  Here I am deceiving Lyssa by saying that she doesn’t wish to make a big issue of when I see Jewell.  Here is Jewell deceiving me by arguing whether or not I will be a big issue to her when she turns eighteen, and if she could resist temptation of nightclubs opposed to me, someone she has been chasing for over a year.  

Maybe like Lyssa chasing Jermaine for over two years, Jewell has realized that it’s not worth it.  But the difference is that I also had feelings for Jewell along the way and the relationship settings were completely different.

Lyssa Is Rebounding In Relationships

Lyssa on the other hand has turned around and innocently rubbed my face in the ground.  To say the least, Lyssa is following a stereotype typical to those who are hurt and jump from one bad and quick relationship to another after a long and lasting relationship.  

Knowing that Lyssa had gone out with Braxton last night to a pub (and met the whole family by the way) she also went out tonight to a movie.  Her mum didn’t say with whom, but I can be sure it was Braxton.  

In my eyes, Lyssa is following the stereotype I mentioned.  Lyssa is allowing Braxton to take her out to places.  I’m not saying that she’s doing this out of spite, but she probably thinks that I am moving quickly so she thought she would counter that as not to get hurt and be all alone when it happens.

Asking Myself What I Want

Being alone ran through my head ever so slightly tonight, as I bunched up all the evidence of the triangle and then thought of the worst.  The worst is unbeknownst to me but I know I can pull through without jumping between bad relationships.  Maybe that’s what I’ll want after I’m whole once again.  Maybe I will want to jump from woman to woman, settling down oblivious in my mind.

Lyssa’s mission has changed from being with me forever to dealing with a loss, coming to terms and then the most drastic, countering my actions with that of her own thinking they are right.  

While Lyssa and I were talking on the phone today when I called her at 11am in the morning she told me how she wanted to come over to my house.  Then she runs off to the movies tonight.  So that is a re-occurrence of what I used to be like with Jewell when I started to get onto Lyssa.  

Back in the day whenever I couldn’t speak to Jewell on the phone I would try calling Lyssa and chat her up.  These days it’s sort of the other way around for me, but everything is still up in the air after three weeks.

Seeing Lyssa and I move away from each other so quickly, you would have to think that it was for the best and that it should have happened.  There wasn’t enough happiness in our relationship and I would tend to think that Lyssa is happier now, without me.

People’s Words Influence The Diary

Just looking back on a couple of entries in my Diary, people’s words are so influential in what is written within these pages.  If I agree with other people’s philosophy I will note that here, and then argue the point.  This Diary isn’t only about my thoughts but also of the influential confabulation around me.  

For example, if Lyssa starts hating work and shares that conversation with me then I will most probably place it within my Diary, granted I have a side to take.  Mostly I will have a comment about something insignificant to my life, but everything is consequential these days, why not write about all these issues.