Just reading upon my old entries, I have been fixing them up and sorting out the grammar. Some literature that caught my attention was that of the days just after Kathryn, or rather months. My fixation with Kathryn was intense. I have come to believe that with almost every woman in my life, (Pavlina and Nina being the exceptions), I have fallen for them in a colossal way. Some common factors make me hooked on these women.
With Kathryn, Clover, Jewell and both Valerie and Phoenix, the fact of being distant with them brought my thoughts closer towards them. A prime example being Kathryn.
Stupidly Infatuation With Kathryn
After a brief fling with Kathryn she left me for a year. In that time I was infatuated with her and stupidly wrote her an eight-page letter entailing my feelings. I would have liked to think that if I wasn’t so infatuated with Kathryn then I might have thought more consciously. That and quality is more important that quantity, especially in my letter that I wrote.
To this day, I can’t remember what I wrote to Kathryn but it must have been desperate. I can still remember sending her a cassette tape with some desperate songs on it and ‘Mariah Carey’s CD, songs we fell in lust to.
Too Young To Know Love
With most of these women, I must have thought I fell in love with them. Genuinely believing that I started feeling real love with Jewell, I must have written something along them lines for “All the other girls”.
However, to think back upon the day, take myself back to that time, all the girls I thought I loved, I lusted. They all fucked me up in some kind of way except for Clover, whom I just stopped liking. Back then I was too young to love. There must have been times I thought it by the little things Clover would have done to make me smile, but the truth from an older me, that was an age where I would not have known the difference and would have confused feelings.
Another factor with these women apart from getting along with each other was the fact of mystery. Not knowing is a mother fucker, and believe me, I want to know more than the normal human. Questions that are left to the imagination, actions that are studied instead of observed, thoughts that I didn’t know kept me intrigued.
Oh how I wanted to know what was in each of their minds.
I was fascinated with thought and creation back then and I still am. Mystery is a real killer for me. I can’t stand it.
The Prehistory Diary
Only reading a couple of passages from one month, I only wish I could have started earlier, when I first started hanging out with my friends back then who used to be people like Keith and Shawn. Starting my Diary just after school would have been a godsend for me but I can’t take back time. I can only try to remember it and rewrite it, chronologically.
Starting my Diary just after school would have had its disadvantages. Judging from the grammar and spelling I hold now compared to the starting months of my Diary, I can’t believe I was at least average at school and was good at English. Most of my sentences back then started with “I” or “We”, Yes, I know it’s atrocious. These days I try to elaborate on my sentence structure, make it exciting to read as well as educational to the keen eye.
A New Diary Writing Style
Maybe my new sense of depth explains why the length of my writing for a month compared to the start of my Diary has increased by at least 100 pages. Maybe writing 100 pages more than last year is due to increasing my vocabulary, my intelligence, my awareness or the interest of my surroundings. For, if I was having a boring day, back in those days I would write, “I’m bored today” and babble on about some bodybuilding bullshit.
Because these days there is plenty more activity in my curriculum, I am aware of more literature for my Diary. Be it whatever, my sentence structure is sharper and more creative, and sometimes so shit scary I have to read it a couple of times to comprehend it myself.
Although back in the day I was straight to the point, what seems like beating around the bush with my length of detail these days is actually itemized explanation of key factors. I love getting into these little situations with my Diary. It’s like a one-on-one with my true feelings I barely express in entirety.
Lyssa Elevates Her Birthday Card
Before I whiz off into another chapter of my life, let me just elaborate a small little detailed event. Walking past my CD rack adjacent to my door and nailed onto my wardrobe, I noticed the three greeting cards sitting up there. One was from Kathryn, which is a Valentines Day Card, and pretty funny. The other is from Jewell for my 19th birthday. Being from ‘The Far Side’, it was hilarious and incisive. There was also a card that Lyssa had given me to say “I’m Sorry” supposedly for a breach of her reliance.
Now, Jewell’s card was foremost followed by Kathryn’s and then Lyssa’s. The reason for this little predicament was that Lyssa’s card had to lay in a landscape fashion, lengthwise. The other two cards could be placed upright. Because of this, Lyssa’s card had a tendency to slip off the CD holder. So to hold it in place, I placed my knife between it acting as a counterweight so it wouldn’t move. The other two cards couldn’t be placed there because the knife was in the way.
Well, what I had noticed as I walked into my room yesterday was Lyssa’s card at the front of the pack. Thinking this was amusing, I noted the knife was also moved with the card. Now why didn’t I do that? Lyssa must have had some problem with her being behind the rest (relatively speaking). So with that notion in her head, she felt the need to be in front.
In reality, who would take the podium place in my life? At the moment I don’t feel stability is in balance, but if I was to take a third person approach to this I would be able to answer properly. That isn’t going to come out of me at this moment because loyalty or lust might tether my faith. However, when I am alone once again, when that day comes, I will be able to comment and comment proudly. My wording is astonishing today.
Goal To Buy CD Burner
Just a thought before I continue. I can’t wait until I get some more hardware for my computer. Mainly, I would like to get a scanner for my computer for the purpose of being able to stick pictures onto my computer. Then I will be able to record with pictures, actions of my days.
When the dawn of day comes, technology will allow me to buy a CD burner and burn these large amounts of Data onto it.
Some day, I will have to store my Diary entries onto a more accessible and larger component.
Renting a CD burner would be cost efficient every couple of months but owning one would be better.
Keen To Buy Digital Camera & Printer
While on the topic of pictures, a relatively cheap digital Camera would also come in handy taking away the need for a scanner. In this instance, I would only need the camera for computer use. How much money am I willing to spend? Not much.
Another contraption I am after is a printer. Because they are worth so much, I can’t afford one. The printer will come in very handy for everything but also for making a hard copy of my whole Diary.
Desire To Connect The Internet
The Internet is also a necessity for me and that will come true soon. Being on the Internet will open a whole lot of doors for me, doors I need to be opened. Imad might be able to get me my digital camera and printer but I might try the Trading Post and see what I can find. There is always a bargain in those papers.
Some more things on my wish list are an upgrade in speed for my computer and a bigger storage of memory. Basically, what I’m saying is, “I want a new and better computer”.
Diary Of A Mad Chaos is a daily diary written from March 1996 until today, of which individual books and book series have been created, namely “The Lost Years” an exploration of young, entwined love, the “Wubao In China (猎艳奇缘)” book series which provides an extensive comparative analysis of the cultural differences between Eastern and Western societies, and the book titled “Foreigner (华人)” an exploration of race relations in Australia.
