Visualizing The Breakup Transition – Mad Chaos: May 7, 1998

Well here I am again, another day in the midst of my life.  Today I spent without Lyssa.  After a month of living together it’s completely different coming back to what it is now.  

Lyssa Too Sick To Work

In case you’re wondering, Lyssa didn’t go to work today because she was once again feeling sick.  Lyssa gave me a call at 9am in the morning.  At the time I was tired.  So after a little talk on the phone I went back to sleep.

Later in the day I woke up.  After some time I gave Lyssa a call.  This is where she asked me to Macarthur Square to help her shop for her mum.  Her mum was back and she needed food for the house.  So putting some clothes on, I waited at my house for them to rock up.

Macarthur Square With Lyssa

As they picked me up some time later we found Macarthur Square to be fairly packed out.  It felt weird when we traveled to Macarthur Square today with Kieran because Lyssa and I haven’t been there together for so long.  

The first thing I done was walk into Sanity to look at some R&B CDs.  I was going to listen to a CD but I felt like they were getting tired of me just listening.  

Lyssa shouted me something to eat since she got paid on Wednesday, as the three of us sat down in the food court.  While we were sitting there I noticed this girl sitting a table or two directly in front of my view.  Near the end of our meal this young lady in a black work suit, black nylon stockings and a nice complexion, (probably on the Greek side) was giving me looks.  I don’t know if it looked like I was attached to Lyssa or Kieran but when we went shopping it looked like Kieran.

As I wheeled the trolley around I found that Lyssa and Kieran were both discussing foods to buy.  I lay back thinking they look like they are together.  That didn’t bother me, as we kept walking around and bought a list of items on Lyssa’s list.  There were a couple of nice looking girls in Macarthur Square, some I will never take a second look at in my life.

Will Jewell Be All That I Need?

Let me talk about something that Jewell and I talked about last night.  Jewell told me that she is the jealous type and if we were going out she wouldn’t let me do half the things that Lyssa does.  That doesn’t bother me.  But what does bother me is the situation I am putting myself into.  

After Lyssa and I are through it’s obvious that I will turn my attentions to Jewell.  From what Lyssa said to me today about Jermaine, she is obviously thinking of him also now that he is calling her.  Just today, she told me how they developed the photos from the party and there was one photo so good that Jermaine and Toby are thinking of both framing it, and Lyssa told me this.

Because I feel that Jewell and I should be together for a lifetime as we are meant for each other, there will never be a chance for me to explore deeper.  

The question for me is, should I have to explore deeper when I will have all I want?  

Temptations and thoughts are rolling through my mind after last night’s conversation.  I felt like calling Jewell tonight but I didn’t.  I still could but I won’t.

Yes, so when Lyssa and I are through and Jewell and I start, there will be no time left for anyone else.  All those faces that I see walking past wherever I go, and I fancy them, I will have to turn the other way, and if a love is so great, then there should be no deterrent.  Let me just hope so.

I guess there is the time between when Lyssa and I break up and the time that Jewell and I decide to get together.  But, if I get into a relationship knowing that I can only be in there for a period of time and then I turn out to like the person more than I thought, I will lose it.  

Just last night I was telling Jewell how if she found herself a new man and didn’t want to talk to me on the phone anymore, that I would lose a huge piece of who I am.  It’s like I can afford to lose everything else in my life but if I lose the companionship of Jewell, if I know she no longer exists one more time, then I will be nothing.  Those are strong and hurtful words to some, but when you have spent your whole life growing up knowing what you want out of life, then you too would be lost without what is true to you.

Losing The Passion With Lyssa

As Lyssa and I talked on the phone today she didn’t really seem as interested as she usually would on the phone.  Lyssa and I used to talk for a couple of hours on the phone, meaningfully.  But now, it’s a couple of minutes then back to what we were doing.  

I know in my heart that Lyssa has thoughts about Jermaine and probably wonders what he would be like as a companion now.  I really do believe that when we are through, they will get back together and I really believe that Lyssa didn’t invite me to Toby’s party because she thought it would be the only chance she got to see Jermaine in person.  Penelope went with Lyssa.  As Ali and I would hide things from the girls, Penelope would definitely hide things for Lyssa.

Because Jewell doesn’t really have too much attachment with lots of friends, she is really alone.  Jewell stays home on most weekends, doesn’t go out much, but that’s because she’s not over the legal limit.  

Dreaming Of Moving In With Jewell

I just had a vision in my mind of Jewell and I getting together and moving out, moving away from Campbelltown.  That would be something.  Jewell doesn’t have much holding her back here except for family, which she can visit.  

Moving away from Campbelltown would mean a fresh start to me making it easier to realize the reality of Jewell and I.  Of course I have friends back here like Imad, Ali, Shawn, Ralf, Jett, and all the other faces so trivial to my life, but I can do without negativity.

To be honest, no one really liked me going out with Jewell back then because there were so many things they thought we were incompatible on.  Imad even had his doubts about Jewell.  He never really told me, but you could tell.  Imad liked Jewell but just didn’t think I was right to go out with her.  Maybe he was also protective of Jewell thinking that if I went too far with her, it wouldn’t be right.

Moving away from Campbelltown, having a new start would also be good if I moved towards the City.  With this would come a better chance of finding a suitable position, working on my musical career and building a new life.  

At the age I am now, I really want to do this, and Jewell is the one I want to do it with.  How much people really have this clear vision in their minds at this age?  That’s why Jewell and I are right for each other.  We would both be thinking the same thoughts, we would emotionally be the same.

Being Jealous When With Jewell

I guess I was very jealous of Jewell also.  The time when we were at the party and Zola’s brother sat next to her and talked to her, the day I didn’t know what was going on, I was jealous she was sitting there with him and I was staring.  There was absolutely nothing in it but I felt the same way as Jewell felt about me and still do even though I don’t see her.  

It would break my heart if Jewell went and found someone else.  

I know in time we will be back together.

Predicting The Breakup With Lyssa

If Lyssa is persistent with Jermaine then we will probably break up before the end of this year how we were supposed to.  I can see it now.  Lyssa will get caught up with Jermaine and then will stop paying as much attention to what we do.  That is sort of what is happening ,now but I am very good at concealing my emotions and acting as if nothing has changed.  What I see is probably around September that Lyssa and I will break up.

Last night Jewell also told me how on numerous occasions, she was told how she looks like Kylie Minogue.  Thinking about it and how Jewell was joking around with her Australian lingo, I think she not only reminds me of Kylie Minogue but also sounds like her.  Because of that I’m thinking of using a picture of Kylie and use it in some of my artwork for the CD cover.  

Also, on Saturday I might be traveling over to Shawn’s house to get some more things scanned.

Lyssa Plans To Come Over

Completely off that topic now, Lyssa is coming over my house tomorrow night.  For the first time in a long time I will be meeting Lyssa in Campbelltown and then we will catch the bus to my house.

Ali is supposed to be getting his Celica out tomorrow.  The Celica is back on deck.  Things after three months as I know it will be back to normal.  Ali and I will be driving around more often, having more fun with each other, while the girls will once again go out with each other.  There will once again be a balance between friends and Lyssa, which sounds good.

Before signing off today I will just say that the new magazine “FHM” which Lyssa bought for me last month is out again.  It was on television.  I was surprised to find that Kylie Minogue was on the front cover.  If there are some good photos of her in there, then I will be buying the issue.  

Second Dedications CD Inches Closer

This Monday I will be traveling to Newtown to start recording the Instrumental for my song.  Things are coming grippingly closer, with me also finding a studio that will edit my songs and record them onto a blank CD without infringement of copyright to all other songs on the CD.

Hopefully, when all the scans are done, a couple of days later I will be able to print out some rough prints of my CD covers to see how it all looks.  

I’ve had a great idea for the actual CD, which will be printed in grayscale.  It consists of a different view of where Jewell and I sat down in Hyde Park in the City eons ago.  The tree will stretch across half of the CD and on the other half, acknowledgements of whom the CD was made by and my new corporation name (SNIPER Productions), and a part of the latest inspirational poem that I had given to Jewell.  

From there it will recite the following “Swept thee memories away of a field once full of grass so green and blissful in the presence of nature and none can imagine the beauty, none”.