Just a couple of words regarding my status right now before I make some moves to recite the weekend’s happenings. Last I stopped talking on the phone, I think I called Jewell hence from there. As the time grew to 9:30pm I knew Jewell probably wasn’t calling me so I took the liberty of calling her.
Still not too sure about some things, I knew a burden had been lifted off my shoulders with the success in my relationship between Lyssa and I. Having said the things we did to each other, my peaceful ending has come to me as I didn’t think it would. Lyssa is so understanding I feel, but doesn’t understand the entirety.
You see Lyssa and I have now taken the liberty of learning to let go of jealousy. The type of resentfulness that would see me worried to move on and Lyssa afraid to let go. Now as I didn’t really expect, things could go to my original plan. That being me spending time until the end of this year and then being liberated from each other but not faded away.
Jewell’s Trip To Queensland
Not in poor taste to call Jewell, I just wanted to talk to her for a couple of minutes before she left for Queensland. Things were fine over the phone. Jewell, although cautious was pleased to be talking with me and not feeling guilty.
Jewell had to get off the phone in twenty minutes anyway. But in that time we talked about her coming holiday. For the rest of this year, Jewell will be at school, which means I will have nothing to do in the days.
Lyssa will be at work, but I could spend some time with her until these couple of months pass that I have to clear my mind of Lyssa completely and learn to live without her. On some days during the week, Lyssa and I can do things as friends, watch a movie or go shopping, meet in Campbelltown, anything.
Time, now that I am with Jewell will evolve completely differently for me. Now that I think about it, more maturity was in the relationship between Lyssa and I, meaning the effectiveness of our time together was used more frequently. Whereas, I feel that Jewell and I (although I can’t say right now) will not be the same as Lyssa and I. Our relationship will be completely different in the sense that our time spent together will be more distant because of Jewell.
I’m used to seeing Lyssa frequently whereas what I remember of Jewell and I, our time together was fairly sparse and intermittent. Being so used to Lyssa, it will be so hard to move on to a different bundle of thoughts and events.
Feeling Guilty After The Breakup
Jewell and I really understood each other well. In mind we were inseparable. Lyssa and I were more conscious of each other, more caring and nurturing. We were in each other’s picture more often than not. Because of this bond between Lyssa and I, there is sadness within me knowing that when I do take away the time with her, on the weekends especially, Lyssa will be extremely lonely.
All of Lyssa’s friends have partners, there are no exceptions. Now that Lyssa is separated, that makes me sad also. Feeling like I’ve done something wrong to end this relationship on those terms for Lyssa, I can only see misery for Lyssa, boring weekends. Sure on Friday and Saturday she might go out with her friends but who’s going to fill the gaps where I used to be, where there was nothing to do?
Everyone was doing the “Boyfriend Thing” and so was Lyssa. Who will she have for those days? No one! Relief, she can only find on the phone, talking to a friend, or maybe me. In this sense, I feel guilty, knowing Lyssa won’t be happy all the time. On these solemn moments, I hope Lyssa looks through her albums of photos, through all the poetry I sent to her, so she could reminisce on our times together, laugh, cry and feel rejoice.
Praying For A Good Outcome
Please God, let me just put my fate into you that this decision was right and like the luck charm that adorns my neck, I will hold fate with what will happen in the future and hope that all turns out fine. Let me hope that my decision to be with Jewell now was the right one and that I won’t look back upon my times with Lyssa and compare them. Let me be happy with the decisions I have made and please allow me to fulfill my dreams in making women happy, not insecure or dispirited. Let my love for Lyssa carry onto another, and let that be for Lyssa… for I will truly be happy if she finds love once again.
Feelings Changed For Jewell
My thoughts and reasons towards Jewell have changed. Back in the day I used to think she was the only one for me. I still can’t make a precise judgment until I have laid eyes on her again.
Tonight as I sit here, marriage is really not an issue to me. Forever is not an issue to me.
With Jewell, I think I am just trying to fill a void that has been left unanswered for such a length of time.
Sure it has to do with love and longing but having had both ends of the stick (although one longer than the other), what tasted more sweetly was Jewell. My reality although is Lyssa.
Rather, Jewell is an unfinished chapter, and writing these empty pages which have already been outlined will be my next fulfillment. Forever is something I sparsely use and today, forever is unknown to me whence I speak of Jewell. Rather, curiosity and fulfillment is the satisfaction for my adventure.
With Jewell gone for two weeks on holidays, I can say it takes a lot of pressure off me. Although, no matter what, these weekdays and weekends will now be more lonely as a result of my break up with Lyssa. No more will I be able to spend my time with Lyssa on the weekend doing what we do. That I will miss dearly.
More importantly, I will miss the times Lyssa slept next to me, holding her while she slept, gazing at her sealed eyes, her bombarded, beautiful face. Seeing her lips sealed together and slowly kissing them goodnight, watching the reaction as Lyssa murmured to me within her sleep, not conscious of what she is saying, but conscious that she appreciated my warmth of lips, my caring and nurturing.
Two nights before I remember this face, this image sprawled across my warm waterbed, so beautiful. Today the harsh reality… and as I go to sleep tonight, I will have no one to hold, no one to kiss and no comfort knowing there will be someone there tomorrow. This, I have done to myself.
I know now, until you have lost something, you didn’t know what it meant to you.
Creating A Flawed Fantasy With Jewell
These words of passion, I used to speak of Jewell when I didn’t have her. Creating a picture in my mind was enough to establish my realism for her, my longing and lusting. Now, the roles are reversed and only a day out of the chaos, my memories have not faded a touch for Lyssa.
Looking at the photo of us at the formal perched on top of my small desk, I reminisce and am glad that I haven’t taken these memories away. Still, the photo, the crystals, the cow, the pictures, they all stay put, but I know that can’t be forever that way.
Soon, when the time comes and slowly the alteration from Lyssa to Jewell has been made, I will start to write Jewell’s name more often in this diary than that of Lyssa’s. Not in spite but as a fact that I will be spending far more time with Jewell.
I can’t believe I’m talking of Jewell so suddenly. How I have everything down pat and I know that Jewell is my next intention. This is how I always intended it but I apologize sincerely to Lyssa. I never meant to hurt you and I never meant it to be like this. My only hopes were to spend as much quality time with Lyssa as I could, but I feel that day will come, in due time.
The Mistake Of Sharing My Diary
As a forwarding reminder of my passion for Lyssa, I wonder when the day will come when I finally erase all the presets on my phone that were programmed with Lyssa’s number. Not remembering the exact date, I remember the time that Lyssa set her number on every memory button on my phone. Whichever button I pressed it would transfer to Lyssa’s number. No matter what, if those numbers are erased in due time, the day will come when they are back there.
Showing this Diary to Lyssa from the start was a no no because I had something to hide. Not wanting Lyssa to see my perilous nature, I kept my feelings from her, especially since she was hurt by some of the literature within as she read it. Now, I feel, writing this piece of literature that I have to keep my feelings away from Jewell.
Finally, when the day comes and Lyssa and I probably get back together (this is what my mind wants to believe because it feels like we were so compatible despite our differences), I will show her my whole Diary so I can start fresh, without anything to hide. If Lyssa really values our relationship she will leave the past where it was and not dwell on it anymore.
Lyssa and I had the best fun, without a car and most of the time without money, but we had each other.
The Marketable Diary
Now having written 42 pages and only for six days, I hope this signifies a great time of my life. I hope it details an elaborately dense part of my fictional life and I hope that I can look back on this one day and learn. I always thought that this Diary could become marketable. As the days progress, there are more twists and turns to my life.
Like a real love novel, you are sitting on your seat wondering if the infamous ‘Tony’ will ever go back to Jewell. Then when he finally does, you will realize that the refined valor of ‘Tony’ will see him out of his pitfall and back with his former love.
Minds are so confusing, especially when trying to figure out what you really want emotionally. Should I have been satisfied being with Lyssa? As Lyssa put it, no one will love her freckly face the way I do. They will just turn and run.
Every time I try starting a new paragraph, thoughts of the whole intense matter are brought up again. Let me just note that having gone out with Lyssa for one year, my first time, I find it unbelievably gratifying and remarkable to have been in love for so long, to someone I longed to love. Enough said.
There Is No Turning Back
One more thing… going out to public places and seeing the faces of guys as we passed them, looking in awe at Lyssa, that made me proud to be with her. That gave me a sense of confidence, that I was dating the most remarkable lady in all of Campbelltown and that our love was enough to keep her with me and away from everyone else. Now I take pity in myself as I have corrupted that same trust of hers. I have betrayed her trust within me for temptation. But, in my defense, Jewell is a phone left unanswered. My calling time has come and if my intentions were wrong, Lyssa and I will once again blossom.
No matter what, from now forth it is only an upward battle. This is my chance to see what is best for me, as I know I can never really explore other people. There is no chance. Whatever outcome, the next step for me will be to move out with the person I love and then start my own life with them. There is no turning back to petty crushes.
No one else can understand my mind like Jewell but Lyssa has mastered my emotions of love to an ability.
With this lonely time to myself, I can find a job, be prosperous with study, buy myself a car and basically be free to do whatever. Although Lyssa didn’t pin me down, not at all, Lyssa was in fact trying to get me back to work. One of her dreams was for the both of us to be working, earning money and treating each other. Yes, a new degree of maturity has to be reached here, and I will reach it within my precarious journey.
Being 2:38am I have to go now because I have to wake up at 9:30am tomorrow morning to be with Penelope and help her out.
Before I do go, let me just write what I have had in my mind for a while now. Reading back upon this entry, I have noticed that for most of the time I had been with Lyssa, I had taken her for granted for what she really meant to me. There you go, take that into consideration as I cap this night off.
Diary Of A Mad Chaos is a daily diary written from March 1996 until today, of which individual books and book series have been created, namely “The Lost Years” an exploration of young, entwined love, the “Wubao In China (猎艳奇缘)” book series which provides an extensive comparative analysis of the cultural differences between Eastern and Western societies, and the book titled “Foreigner (华人)” an exploration of race relations in Australia.
