Not Wanting To Let Lyssa Go
In order to move forward in life, you sometimes have to side track your destiny, move away from what is reality. Knowing that it is very wrong what I am doing to Lyssa, I know I have to get this illusion out of my mind before I can move on because it will be forever haunting me.
I vow on this day that if I ever get back with Lyssa, then I will show her everything and be truthful to my last word. If Lyssa accepts my honesty and sees through all the disloyalty and betrayal as an act of fantasy within my mind, then our days together will be the most fulfilling in my whole life, and the most real.
Making this judgment today, I knew that I didn’t want to let Lyssa go. Having been two days since we have broken up, we are both packing the brunt of the force but are still wounded inside. But, if it didn’t happen now, if my mind wasn’t tortured into the fantasy within, it would have happened much later in life. Now I can see a trend happening within the triangle. Acts are being repeated but by different people in the same kind of circumstances.
The Root Of Infatuation
I’ve realized what the problem stems from. With Jewell, when I started going out with her, she was the first that I started being creative with. Being the first woman to make me feel brand new, I wrote her poetry how I’ve never written before, thinking thoughts I’d never imagined. These words and reflections of myself were lost during the time Jewell lost my heart. Thus, my heart was cut short never to be able to finish its journey, the journey within my mind, the fantasy that was incomplete within my literature.
Time passed by and I honestly started forgetting about Jewell, pushing her aside. When Lyssa came into my life, it was like a breath of fresh air into my lungs. Once again I could breathe. Respectfully, it was not the same attraction. It was different in most terms. Lyssa was more real to me. Being older, I was wiser to make proper decisions.
Then, into my life came once again Jewell, through phone calls. Most connection with Jewell would have been lost had it not been for Kofi informing me that Jewell was now heartbroken I didn’t call her for so long. I was ready to forget and move on, it had been so long. For that reason I started calling Jewell back, once in a blue moon to keep in contact, even though the past was the past.
Within Lyssa I tried to find my creativity once again. At the start, my unique and different style of creativity was handed towards Lyssa. Time after time, I would send my emotions through writing, imagination and gifts from the heart. Sadly, visions of the past came back to haunt my reality of living. This memory from the past kept etching her place within my mind and slowly within my heart.
Never, did I try to duplicate the same idea I had with Jewell towards Lyssa. All ideas were different. A CD I never did accomplish for Lyssa. Although, a CD with significant dates would not make sense in the relationship with Lyssa. Because so many things happened so close together with Jewell and I, it made more sense for a CD. For Lyssa, a CD would never work. Those emotions won’t be the same.
Jewell Fills The Void In My Mind
As time passed with Lyssa and I, we would have arguments like normal couples would about couple things. Ever so slowly, I would find solitude in the minimal conversations I had with Jewell.
Slowly, I would start to realize that Jewell was patching up the empty places within my mind.
Slowly, I started to realize that Jewell was there. What was once a blurry shadow had started to come out of the dusky mist and form in my mind, as a fantasy that I once knew, a picture of Jewell.
Had it not been for the secluded intent of Jewell’s, had it not been for the challenge of me having to call Jewell, this wouldn’t have been happening. Had Jewell disappeared out of my life, learnt to let go, this would not have come along.
We had our day, though not as long as we both would have wanted. If she wasn’t so selfish in her uncharted animosity towards me, we would have still been together. Well, my mind started wandering, drifting into thought. As Jewell and I sat on the phone and learnt more about each other, talked about the past, I was sucked into the fantasy more and more. Jewell did want this. She wanted me.
Time elapsed and slowly, I stopped writing my letters to Lyssa. Slowly this was taken over and writing that piece of poetry to Jewell within my time while with Lyssa was a big mistake. It was never meant to be sent but I sent it. All the times Jewell concealed her true emotions, only in a code I would understand were brought to life. Always wanting to please women, I had done my deed but felt guilty.
As the transition was made from my reality to my fantasy, everything started to halt for Lyssa and I. Diminishing understanding between the two of us was becoming evident. While Lyssa was happy to be with me after an argument was over, I was losing interest more and more, being more selfish with my actions of fantasy.
How sorry I am now that the second CD ever came into reality. But in half-truth, because I didn’t have a job, I thought being stuck with something like this would keep me busy during the days. Still, that’s no excuse at all for doing all of this to Lyssa. Still, tomorrow I am burning the CD. But I can’t stop now. Now, the time has come, the mistake has been made, and it is now or never.
How The Dedications CD Evolved
Never have I lost my love for Lyssa, it has only been sidetracked. I believe that if everything is alright, Lyssa and I will be together one sweet day. When that day comes, my fantasy and reality will be Lyssa, and all will be forgotten of the days where we were once separated. All will be revealed also. If Lyssa doesn’t accept me, so be it. I have done all wrong and have been a dickhead.
How long I stay with Jewell is not certain but this triangle is once again taking effect where I will now be missing Lyssa as I am with Jewell. Nevertheless, Lyssa will be different and not a fantasy. Lyssa will be in my life and not non-existent like Jewell was. That was all just a ploy to get into my mind. She done it contently. When Jewell and I do break up, if Lyssa and I don’t get back together, well then it will be someone else. If it’s not Lyssa, it definitely won’t be Jewell. I can just feel it, today.
For so long, I have carried on deceitfully behind Lyssa’s back. For so long, I have been practically lying to Lyssa when I told her our conversations were friendship based. For so long has the idea for this CD been in my head, since the beginning of March. In actuality, four months prior to the date that Lyssa decided to break up, March 4th, 1998 was the day the idea for reproduction of a CD came into my mind.
On an off, for four months my mind has been slowly turning it’s tune from reality over to fantasy. My ideas into the CD didn’t start to get intense until a couple of weeks later. They did die off with my will to get back with Lyssa, to the good old days. To no avail, those days could not reappear. The substance of my mind had taken over my conscious thoughts and lying coupled with deceiving was invented, along with my stupidity.
Back on the first day of December was when I sent my controversial letter to Jewell. If you read upon that date, you will find that it was an instant reaction. There I was at work one day being bored and having already written a song, I tried to do it again. Instead, I was thinking to write poetry. When it was all done, I knew it couldn’t go to waste and I knew only one person would really have an understanding of it. Unconsciously, I knew I was writing this piece of literature for Jewell. So, I printed it and planned to send it to her, not meaningfully, but just so my work could be recognized instead of forgotten.
Back in the day, I can say that my love for Lyssa hadn’t blossomed as quickly as I thought it had. Because of this, it was easier to manipulate my feelings. I was still relatively torn and bleeding as so to the poem specifies. But, it wasn’t all my fault.
In fact, if Jewell hadn’t shared so much with me, poems she had written, thoughts she had kept from me, then my imagination wouldn’t have been elsewhere. I wouldn’t have been thinking, “I wonder what it would have been like,” instead of thinking “How lucky can I be to be loved by someone.” For in actual fact, I believe that Jewell and I lust for each other, lust for the ‘Good Old Days’.
Not Wanting To Waste Talent
Even though the truth is evident, I can’t stop the onslaught of the CD. There has just been too much of my dedication invested into this CD and it’s not only for Jewell, rather it’s for me. This CD shows that I can do something in the music industry. It shows I have talent but because I can’t show it to Lyssa and she can’t be so proud of me, once again, I can’t throw away my accomplishment. My plans have been thwarted once before.
Truly, this could be the sole drive for the past couple of months for my push into fantasy. These days, working on my CD has become a chore, only because I know it will become a reality, but I’m not sure that it should be real. Far better was it for me to be secretive than now, to have everything in full bloom, not needing to hide my intentions. But now it’s not the same. Now I’m ashamed to work on my CD because I know I’ve done wrong for these past months. But now, I have spent too much time. I have to complete my daunting task.
Just a small thought out of context… Who will help me eat the Vegemite that is upstairs?
Who will always ask for ‘Toasted Cheese Sandwiches with one side of Vegemite’?
Who will help me devour the jelly in the mornings?
Who will ever have the same attitude, be the same as Lyssa?
No one.
Diary Of A Mad Chaos is a daily diary written from March 1996 until today, of which individual books and book series have been created, namely “The Lost Years” an exploration of young, entwined love, the “Wubao In China (猎艳奇缘)” book series which provides an extensive comparative analysis of the cultural differences between Eastern and Western societies, and the book titled “Foreigner (华人)” an exploration of race relations in Australia.
