The Glutted Memoir Reservoir – Mad Chaos: August 9, 2004

A trove of words, phrases and labels has in nine days been discovered already as identifiers for an era and this month.  I feel like I am a prisoner to the mechanics of a mobile impasse, an illusion, where the reservoir is never drained, but rather, its balance preserved.  

I balance the reservoir with lackluster days like today, but there is only so much spirited resolve a man commands before purpose loses its aim.  I have shown resilience for over a month now but as a pair of major unfinished projects loom in the reservoir, the platitude reassurances serve as protectors no more.  

I have faced a callous, sundry attrition where substance and residue have battled for countless cycles.  

I have used lines of trenches in a war where a pantheon of victories survives to be immortalized here.  I have the orders of apathy, perfunctory warfare and the proposals of preservation used in this era.  I wish I could rise from the trenches and drain the reservoir, but morale is so low and the losses resile me from such actions, because I know if ever the reservoir is drained, another raid of induced apathy will be a foregone conclusion.

A Hopeless Cycle

The jocund mood of earlier months has evaporated ever since the decision to discard the belief in schizophrenia and its medication.  I have suffered a transition from a warm-blooded animal to a cold-blooded one, where in this room devoid of sunshine, there is no inspiration to mobilize.  

I am in an unenviable position, where I sleep many hours, to wake up into a sedentary mood, which causes a sedated reaction for hours and hours.  I exercise less, and because of this, I regained many kilos to now measure 87 kilos on the scales.  

I watch television and loathe any consideration for the reservoir, which are my memoirs.  So, this hopeless, pococurante cycle for months until today continues.

The Gurgling Toilet

I decided to sleep around 3:00am and woke up at noon today, which was ripe for me to use the television remote control to watch the news.  

I was woken up today by a distraction of course.  I know we have needed a plumber for months now because the toilet gurgles with bubbles whenever I use the shower.  Today its noise – like a stomach rumble – was heard with my bedroom door closed.  The noise was a nuisance for ten minutes ,so I decided to wake up.  

I needed to urinate, so I visited the bathroom.  I noticed the color of the water in the bowl was lime-colored.  I mixed my acidic urine into the bowl and then flushed before I came back to my room.  That is where I booted up my computer and lay on my waterbed to watch television for a couple of hours.

Bonding With The Blue Budgie

I never made a move until 2pm, which is when I walked upstairs in a coerced manner to make breakfast.  I spoke to mum while I made nine-grain toasted breads.  I observed a week back how one of the budgies mum owns died, either because of the winter weather or because of a lack of food.  

Mum purchased a pair of budgies from our neighbors while my brother was still here, which is around the same era when we were donated their ducks and sold an aviary for a hundred dollars.  Mum chose a blue budgie with a white face and also a green budgie with a yellow face.  Sadly, the latter creature died.  

I have sympathized and become attached to the blue budgie now.  I often have walked outside on the balcony to say hello.  To me, the budgie looks sad and traumatized.  But rather than be friendly, I become a monster. I terrorize the blue budgie and feed its fear of humans, as I place my hands on its cage, or tap on the window from inside the kitchen when I prepare meals.  

I sympathized with the budgie until I realized its xenophobia, which insulted me and fashioned me into a tormentor.  I would like to make amends and purchase a new budgie when my allowance comes in a few days.  I spoke to mum about this idea while I prepared breakfast.  

Chipping In For Electricity Bill

I also spoke to mum about the electricity bill, which was mailed to us today.  The bill was over four hundred dollars, but selfless mum as usual only insisted on fifty dollars from me.  

“I will pay you a hundred and fifty dollars,” I said.

“No.  That is too much,” mum rather considered.  

I said I had no problems now because commodities are no longer on the itinerary, but in any case, we settled for a hundred dollars from me.  

I spoke some more about a budgie as well because I often wonder how traumatized the budgie is to have seen his only companion die.  I hear her chirp on several occasions now, as if it cries for attention from wild birds.  So it would be nice to bless the perched blue budgie with a new companion.

A Sedentary Day Inside

When I came back downstairs I had to economize on cordial and all other food because my stocks are low.  Mum offered me a spare jug of cordial to last me for another day.  

I had no real intentions today because I had no money and no ambitions to drain the reservoir.  Instead I watched television or was online, which was until I made lunch at 4pm  

A sedentary life makes me dwell more on food, where a visit into town as well as a form of exercise also distracts me from the temptations of food.  I made a creamy bacon pasta and sauce with broccoli and red kidney beans in any case, which I smuggled into my bedroom to enjoy before prime time news began on television.

I had relative disinterest in all media today, as only an hour after lunch at 5pm I catnapped, which is usual practice in the trenches now.  

I woke up at 6:45pm to watch some more news.  

Then at 7:30pm, from a depleted food store, I cooked sausages, served with pasta and mixed vegetables all in sauce.  

A Return To The Memoir Reservoir

Ever since then I have watched television from on my waterbed.  

I also researched war online for an hour or so as a distraction from television.  

I also had a shower before I made a reluctant leap into these memoirs, which was a decision I made on the basis of a determined rollback from attrition.  I see days become more and more obscure as dimmer is the murkiness of the waters in the reservoir, but while there is significance to my cause, the reservoir will never demoralize me.