Becoming A First-Time Uncle – Mad Chaos: August 10, 2004

There was such an anomalous brain explosion five days back, which helped devise innovative formulas to define contemporary phenomena and mechanics.  I did as an example create the metaphorical reservoir representative of older unfinished entries, whose burden caused me to enforce the provincial cure, where sacrifice and social celibacy helps drain the reservoir to resolve the mobile impasse inherited by the writer.  

The Reclusion Syndrome Defined

I also discovered the formula for the reclusion syndrome, which is a derivative of induced apathy.  Because I have less literary tolerance in this era of the provincial cure, I fall into a depressive reclusion syndrome because the induced apathy creates in me a psychological boycott, whose consequences are indisposition, strikes in the form of catnaps and less tolerance in my memoirs.  

The reclusion syndrome saps a person of all pleasure but then there is the quantum of enthusiasm, a phenomenon where I feel a superlative prominence and develop a perspicacious literary style, whose mastery needs be procured forthwith.  

The Provincial Cure In Action

I had this quantum of enthusiasm five days back and was in a process to drain the reservoir.  A heinous corner was turned because of a need to feel alive.  I needed to advance morale in order to produce enthusiasm for my memoirs.  

I defied the provincial cure in the process, which states “thou shall seek no passions until thy memoirs are served”.  Its terrible mistake shames me now, ironically to force on me the service of the reclusion syndrome until the provincial cure drains the reservoir.

I am happy to say that while I have been impaled to this house all day as a defense to monitor the balance of the reservoir, the seclusion failed to distance me from news abroad.  I am happy as well to inform the readers that the enacted provincial cure and a quantum of enthusiasm after the prior entry allowed me to deplete the reservoir with hours of work until 3am.  So, a small advance was accomplished to drain some inconvenience from the reservoir.  

I relaxed with the television for a further hour, and then finally decided to sleep at 4am.  

Mum Homesick For Macedonia

As usual, in another irony, after nine hours, a distraction woke me up.  All I have to say is that when it comes to musical talent, mum whistles better than her vocal performance of ballads.  I found it impossible to sleep while I could hear what sounded like a tortured and mutilated cat.  The unbearable resonance was full of stentorian whines followed by an emotive diminuendo, whose wail sounded painful to make me wince.  

I was woken up by this excruciation at 12:45pm  I would have censured mum as I visited the toilet, to notice she was outside on the couch under the balcony.  But, she is probably sad because she wants to travel to Macedonia to see her relatives, which we spoke of yesterday.  

I used to say I would travel with mum before I received the pension, but I know it would be so much of an inconvenience to my memoirs, and I would be unable to save money like mum does.  So mum now is undecided on whether she will travel alone.  I was more troubled however by how mum sung in English rather than Macedonian, which was weird, even for someone who grieves for her homeland.

The Day Lyssa Asked Me To Masturbate

I had a whole commercial day ahead of me with television and online downloads.  Instead of this, I became embroiled in a search for a particular memory I have, and became fascinated in the various excerpts I searched in my memoirs.  

I looked for clues of a memory I have, where Lyssa one day in her mum’s bedroom was curious to see a male masturbate.  So she asked me to fulfill her fantasy.  I assume now she would have read in some influential cosmopolitan magazine the taboos of masturbation and the reservations men have to share this sacred behavior with others.  

Lyssa was curious, and although it made me feel awkward and uncomfortable, because I loved her I made a dismal attempt to masturbate, as Lyssa became the captivated voyeur.  I nonetheless looked so humiliated and unnatural that Lyssa asked me to stop to stem the miserable display.  

I never did locate the day Lyssa asked to be a voyeur as I masturbated, but I realize now I would have been less ashamed if I invited Lyssa to masturbate as well, which would have made the experience much more erotic and less forbidden.  Lyssa only asked me once because she saw how uncomfortable it made me.  

In any case, this research lasted for two hours, where I read excerpts and relived those days of sexual disaffection after The Lost Years, which led to the demise of reassurances of love to spell doom and insecurities for years.

Becoming An Uncle Today

I watched television for hours into the day after this, which is until hours later I decided to notate the summary of the infamous sixth from my mobile phone to the computer.  

I received a call at 5:15pm in the middle of all this work.  I prayed for a sane person and not an obsessed bisexual.  I was thankful to hear my brother on the other line.  I knew why he called as well.

“Hello.  You are an uncle now,” Eric said in no drama.

I was so happy I congratulated him.  

“It is good.  Everything went well,” he sounded exhausted.  

I was invited to visit Lottie in hospital tomorrow afternoon, which I will do after I shop.  I never received too much information, as my brother was brief, but I am so happy for him and his daughter Sabrina.

Bad Blood In The Family

I feel many emotions now.  For one, I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place when it comes to the respect of my brother’s wishes and then my parents.  I know my brother and Lottie are entitled to disown mum because she said such horrible words about the unborn baby, like how she said she wished the baby would die if it were a boy.  

I feel uncomfortable as well because a week back when I came back from a visitation to see my brother, mum asked if Lottie had conceived a baby, and this made me uncomfortable.  

I used diplomacy and said, “You should ask him when he comes over.”

While I understand my brother’s policy, it has repercussions on dad because dad is denied the news as well, because he is associated to mum.  I know I will keep the secret from my parents, but it tests the loyalties I have to the whole family.

Keeping Sullied Behavior Distant

I am also thankful that my compulsion to seek sexual release in the form of a cardinal sin never overshadowed the day Sabrina was born.  I would have had a severely wounded conscience if the sixth day of this month where in desperation I resorted to homosexual tendencies coincided with the birth of my niece.  

I would have been so devastated if my brother called my mobile phone to announce the news on that particular day because it would have made my niece an accessory to my sullied behavior, and each year on her birthday I would be reminded of how I ruined her birth.  I would have fallen in a hopeless slump and become depressed if I involved my niece in such an infamous day.  The use of dad’s money to fund the sullied behavior already distressed and shamed me such that I would have never forgiven myself if I sullied the pure innocence of a birth in the family.

I know I have a compulsion.  One of my aims when I receive my allowance tomorrow is to see a sex worker so I can purge the homosexual experience.  I know a female sex worker is a lesser of two evils, but it would make me feel more heterosexual and cleansed of a third mistake.  I will however suspend the necessary pleasure out of respect for my niece when I see her tomorrow in hospital.  I am adamant not to associate my niece with any of my damnable deviations.  

Sabrina is consecrated now.  Any desecration of her wholesome image with my sullied behavior would be profane.  So, for this reason, tomorrow will be a day free of corruption.  I may visit a sex worker on a subsequent day to entomb my mistake with an acceptable sin, but I wish I were in a relationship instead of undermined by this compulsion forever.

The Need To Exercise More

The rest of the afternoon since then was a breeze.  I had dinner at 6pm, which was Alfredo pasta and sauce with red kidney beans.  I have failed to count calories for over a month now, but around 7:30pm I was motivated to have a workout in my backyard.  

I spoke to Weston online beforehand.  I invited him over, but in his youth, he has women to chase, like me before him.  

I need to exercise more because it has been a while.  I need to fulfill its resolution to reach a nominal size by the end of the year, but while there is a reservoir and hegemony of the writer, the chance of momentum for other resolutions is slim.  

I nonetheless performed five sets on bench press up to 60 kilos for 6 reps.  I also used incline bench press for three sets to press up to 40 kilos for 12 reps.  I had a limited workout, but I have arbitrary plans to increase the schedule once the literary reservoir is drained and of no nuisance no more.

Matchmaking With Macedonian Women

When I came back inside from 8pm I looked online for Macedonian women in Macedonia.  I used the service on MSN Messenger and specified the location.  It never surprised me how many suitable nationals there were for me to write to.  

I have a dream that would help me escape from the deterioration of this world around me.  I am an expended man now I know.  I know women in Australia are superficial and shallow and that it is impossible to be desired by anyone.  I also have issues of course, but I am unable to find a woman because I am insecure and have a complex.  So, I foresee a desolate life for me, where I will die alone and live vicariously on others.  

I know I can escape this.  One of my extremer dreams is to find a traditional Macedonian woman with whom I can elope.  I am a traditional person and I would love to marry a Macedonian, which is why I searched online to write to a handful of these impressive women.  

I was online for two hours to find many bogus pictures of women, pictures of boyfriends, of famous celebrity hunks, of animated characters and oddly, pictures of cats.  Despite all the trouble, I found so many women that made me wag my tongue.  I should search the field more often because not only did the contact cheer me up, but also it motivated me to exercise and also to look sexier.

When I had fielded potential women from across the world to speak to online (which could open up a new chapter and herald me reassurance and female influences), I watched television for an hour until 11pm.  

Then I had a shower, which was for a second consecutive day.  I then entered into my memoirs.  

Preparing The Fortnightly Budget

Now here we are, prepped for the eighth installment, which shall serve my deficit, the electricity bill, perhaps a budgie, flowers for Lottie perhaps, and other small necessities of the house.

I have had no real emotional ride in the two weeks between my allowance, whose history often sees me ebb and flow into mania on allowance day and then sloth and despair for over a week.  I have been rather impassive and will be so tomorrow as well.  I believe this is because of the need to enforce the provisional cure.  

I will seek no passions until my memoirs are served.  So we see a promotion of monotonous drive as a sacrifice for balance.  I am sick of the ridden wave of depression up until now.  The only response to resolve the issue is to practice self-abnegation.