Stopping All The Lies – Mad Chaos: July 21, 1998

A Place For Real Emotions

Most times when I jump onto this Diary, my thoughts are transversely spread.  Chronologically, my patterns of the day spread through these pages.  But my real emotions are those that I speak of the moment just passed, just before I jump into the Diary.  For only then will my true feelings be known.  Although, thoughts could also become confused at this point, where if I was angered, worse remarks would be spread than usual.

My feelings play a great deal in the elaborately woven sentences in my Diary and the place they are designated within my Diary relates their importance.  On the other hand, if I was to leave my raw thoughts of the moment to the end of the Diary, then they would either be less harsh (because I’ve had time to cool down) or they will have lost their caliber because of the continuance diminished.

Tonight I speak of the immediate past.  My feelings are true to nature of what is in my head right now.  

Recite An Old Poem To Jewell

This morning upon waking up at 1:30pm I had myself a shower.  I noticed it was a nice day outside.  Thinking of traveling to Campbelltown to collect my tax pack, after stepping out of the shower and having something to eat, I voted against it.  An hour or two passed as I mucked around on my computer.  But when the time arrived to 3:30pm I thought of calling Jewell.

Not knowing how Jewell would react, I didn’t want to mention the last two days that I hadn’t called her, but that didn’t come into conversation at all.  Instead our conversation started normally.  After a while I found out that Jewell didn’t hate me or despise me at all.  Her thoughts were still the same.  

“I have an old poem on my computer that I wrote for you, but you never received the poem.  I need to locate it on my computer.  Do you want to hear it,” I asked.

“Of course I want to know what you wrote,” Jewell exclaimed.

So I located the poem in my diary.  Then I started to recite the poem except the most dominant part about love.  

“That poem was excellent!  You should have mailed it to me,” she gushed.

But I never did.  I went on to explain the poem.

“I skipped one of the parts in the poem,” I remarked.

“I know what it would be about,” she told me.  

Stopping The Lies 

Through our call there was call waiting on my phone.  Answering it, I knew it would be Lyssa.  Thinking in my head that I would say it was Imad or someone else and lie, I gathered that it was time to stop lying.  

“Hi.  Who is on the other line,” Lyssa asked.

“It’s Jewell,” I frankly replied. 

“I should let you get back to her,” Lyssa sounded repentant for occupying my time.

“I will call you back,” I told her sincerely.

Not knowing the effects this would have, I knew it was time to face the truth, or part of it.  

Ten minutes after that Jewell and I ceased talking .  I asked Jewell to ring me later tonight.

Trying to ring Lyssa back, the phone was engaged.  I thought she kept it off the hook for the reason that I wouldn’t call back soon, but that wasn’t the case.  

Turning up the volume on my music, I didn’t hear the phone ring, but only because the ringer was on real low volume.  

Lyssa Becomes Interrogative

“Lyssa is on the phone,” mum came downstairs to tell me.

Picking up the receiver I just waited until mum hung up the phone.  Then Lyssa and I started talking.  At first she just acted normal.

“I was just speaking to Penelope.  I told her that we watched a movie on Saturday night,” she shared.

Talking in the conversation, Lyssa worked a sinister way to include Jewell into the conversation relating a conversation with one that I just had with Jewell.  From there the conversation just turned unpleasant.

“I feel upset.  I just don’t understand how a couple of nights ago you were in a hotel room with me, and now you are calling Jewell,” she started getting depressed.

“Do you have any intentions on seeing Jewell,” Lyssa asked. 

“Yes.  It would be nice after a year and a half that Jewell and I had coffee or something on the lines of a friendly meeting,” I sincerely told Lyssa.

“If you are willing to see her than you obviously want more out of the encounter,” Lyssa took that the wrong way.

I tried to blanket Lyssa’s feelings and accusations with white lies, but I knew that truth would hurt Lyssa deeply.   I’m not thinking of moving on from Lyssa too soon.  Given it’s only been just over two weeks, that’s enough breathing space, but I know I’m weak.  

Jewell and I will see each other in the next two weeks, which will turn out to be a month.  So in reality, I’ve only waited one month.  But from then until Jewell and I decided to get serious (if we ever do and I doubt we won’t) then that’s more time.  Feelings change day to day when everything is up in the air.  Only in six months time I will be able to shine some light on the troubles of today.

The Reason Lyssa And I Broke Up

Lyssa was upset as we talked this afternoon.  But Lyssa started getting depressed and cried.  

“Now I know it is over between us,” she became tearful.

I recall her saying something similar a week or two ago.  Lyssa then said, “I guess this means we’re not getting back together,” and I got angry with that.  

The reason that Lyssa and I broke up was so that we could go out and experience new .  Now here is Lyssa saying that after one conversation to Jewell, we’ll never see each other again.  

Lyssa was taking it too emotionally and she was over-reacting.  Lyssa has to give me a chance to move on at least once before I can realize anything.  The thought of Lyssa and I breaking up and then getting back together won’t really accomplish anything for the reason we broke up.  That will only cause more tension between our feelings and us.

More Friends Break Up

Another thing we talked about before hanging up the phone was that Kiley broke up with Kieran tonight.  We both knew that they would get back together, but it’s the first time ever they have broken up.  

Tonight, Kiley found two-dozen roses in her car.  She went over to his house that night feeling sorry.  So she’s back with him now I gather, but I don’t think it will be long until it happens again.  

Lyssa once told me that they had stopped having sex around eight months ago and even stopped oral stimulation.  Not sure if they even kiss anymore, I only know that they hug.  

Today would have been the celebration of our one year and one month together but it wasn’t to be a celebration.  Instead we’ve shown feelings true after our break up.

See How Ali Is

Once Lyssa and I finished up on the phone it was time for her to leave for her aerobics class.  In that time I was mucking around on my computer and I decided to give Ali a call.  Ali and I were talking over the phone.  

“What has been up with you,” I asked Ali.

“I just got back from work.  Fuck, my car fucked up!  The carbie was shooting out,” he said.

Conversing for a while, I heard Jett’s motorbike out the front of my house, so I invited him in.  

“Jett is out the front.  I gotta go,” I told Ali.

“I gotta go anyway to have a fucking shower and get all this shit off me,” he finished.

Jett Rides His Motorbike Over

Jett is coming over a little more often these days.  I gather it’s because he now has a motorbike.  It’s a good thing that Jett is coming over these days also because it dawns a return of my friends, or at least the one’s that care.

Jett was having a problem with his motorbike.  One of the parts for the gear change came off.  A rounded clip came off, the gears would fall and there would be no gear changing possible.  Calling his brother he couldn’t get any assistance from there.  

We called 013 and tried them for a petrol station.  The petrol station didn’t have the part.  As we were referred to another store around Campbelltown, we called there.  They had the part.  The problem was they were shutting at 6pm and it was five minutes away.  

Jett jumped on his bike.  

I called back asking them to keep the shop open.

Waiting at my house Jett came back in ten minutes with his motorbike fixed and an extra piece just in case.  

Show The Rap Song To Jett

Then we played the rap on the computer.  I showed him some shit that I taped when Imad was on the phone to me.  Then showing Ralf’s little gig over my house, we placed the ‘Boyz II Men’ tape on ‘Oprah’ in the video player and heard them sing.  Then we noted how the skinny guy in the group looks and acts like Kofi.  

Chucking on our old home videos of the old group, Jett and I cracked up how I jumped off the roof of Pizza Hut from a handstand position.  Jett also kept brown-eyeing the camera.  Having our laugh, the movie was over.  After two hours over my house it was time for Jett to go home.

Just as Jett was walking out the door the phone rang.  It was Lyssa.  

“Hold on for two minutes.  Jett is over.  I have to see him out,” I told Lyssa.

Once I said goodbye to Jett and he was on his way I gave her a call back.