Reflecting on my Dating History – Mad Chaos: February 11, 1997

Rain, rain, rain keeps coming down, hard.  

Konquer Insurance Work Day

I didn’t take my umbrella to work today because I thought it wasn’t going to rain much.  

Work didn’t have much for me to do today because we are waiting to move office.  

Jewell rang me at work.  She didn’t come down to meet me in Ashfield because her dad had an accident at work.  He fell off a ladder and broke his hip.  So Jewell had to stay home while her mom took her dad to the hospital.

Luckily she didn’t come down because I would have tried doing what I said yesterday.  The mood changed when I heard what happened to her dad.  It wouldn’t have been the right time to have our first kiss.  

Work ended half an hour early (no work).

I called up Jewell to see if she would come to see me at Minto Station.  She couldn’t do that either.

Jewell Rings Me

Jewell rang me at 8pm as usual.  

The conversation was just going to be about taking the next step.  

I played her a song from Babyface called “When Can I see you Again” because music expressed it better.

Admitting To Our Feelings

From there we got onto serious conversation.  

We told each other (finally) that we like each other and that we want to experience something more than friendship.  She had a very hard time saying that with me.  

She also told me that everyone that she has been out with hasn’t lasted more than two weeks.  

I know for a fact that I’m going to treat her the way she wants to be treated.  Taking our time with the relationship would be a key factor.  

If I’m still going out with her by the time she’s 16 (and believe me she wants to take the step), then we are definitely serious about the relationship.  

Jewell likes to think ALOT about situations like this.  She has thought long and hard about it with the help of me and made a decision.  This could be a bad thing in the long run when we have arguments and one day split up.  She will have to think hard and long to see the best in me again.  

Once again, putting my theory into this subject, I think the reason she hasn’t gone out with a person for more than two weeks is because they’re not the right person for her and that they only wanted one thing from her in the first place.

That’s why I want to start fresh with Jewell.  With all the other females I’ve seen and wanted to date I’ve always taken it too fast.  I have confused the person with lust, even though I wanted to have a long relationship with them.  

I scared all the girls off.  But don’t get me wrong, it’s not all me.  Girls are bitches.  

Let me explain.

A History Of Dating

Pavlina: Pavlina scared me because she really liked me.  My friends confused me, telling me to screw her instead of date her.  I didn’t like her.  I was 16 too.  On January 18, 1995 we had sex in my bedroom on my sixteenth birthday.  We were both virgins.  I broke her hymen.  She bled.  It put me off.  We had to stop.  I wasn’t thinking clearly for my first time.  I made a mistake, and we both paid for it.  I led her on.  I didn’t like her, but my friends told me to do something I didn’t want to do.

Clover: She was fine, my longest relationship, from September 29, 1995 to late November 1995. Things were going fine and we were having fun, taking our time.  Then one day she tells me of a little white lie she kept from me.  At first, her being 13 years old didn’t bother me.  But then I got used to the idea and ended it upon that lie.  She didn’t like it but I didn’t like her lie.

Kathryn: In December 1995, when school finished for the summer holidays, she came from Queensland to visit her dad.  Basically we used each other for sex because we both knew that the relationship would not last long distance.   So I gave her time to think whether she wanted to have sex.  She chose to do what she did.  I did not push her into anything.  We had sex on January 18, 1996, my seventeenth birthday.

Valerie: Then there was Valerie that lived with Berenice.  In October 1996 I saw her, liked what I saw and went after it.  She only wanted one thing, as I saw when Berenice locked me in with her and it was just her and I.  I wanted to go.  I told her, but her look told me different.  So I stayed, supposedly to make her happy.  We had the best time I could imagine.  No sex.  We just lay next to each other all night mucking around.  

It hurt to see that she lied to me and she forgot to tell me she was going out with someone and seeing someone else apart from me.  It hurt me so much that that was the deepest hurt I ever felt for someone that I wanted, but they fucked me up.

Phoenix: In December 1996, she was worst person that I’ve ever laid eyes on.  Doesn’t know what she wants, lies, and makes you hate.  She liked me so I had her do some chasing.  I liked her also and we got together.  I didn’t know what she wanted and what type of person she was.  

We got onto each other that night.  She had a very good time… behind her boyfriends back.

Never trust a girl when they say they are going to dump their man because it hurts when you find someone, knowing it’s hard to find someone again.  To top it up, she got together with him and pissed me off, showed him off in front of me, showing that she wasn’t comfortable with me around him.  I had the control but she just fucked me up.  Lies, lies, lies!

So that’s the full lowdown on the girls I’ve dated.  

Jewell Phones Me

I’ve talked to Jewell twice now tonight.  

I was talking to her before I started writing in the journal.  Then I told her I would call back so that I could write in my journal.

Tabitha rang me in between.  I told her I had lots of computer work to do because I knew that Jewell would ring me back tonight.  

Right now I’m talking to Jewell on the landline phone.   

She knows I’m typing this at the moment. I have to be a bit faster so I can start talking to her again.  

Just so that I remember, Jewell started conversation about a fat person on TV getting injections and shit.  

Right now she won’t tell me what was on TV and she is asking me how I type and hold the phone at the same time.  Easy, on my shoulder.  

Back to me later.

Feeling The Love

I’m in need of some loving now.  I’ve got the feelings there out in the open.  If she’s the right person she won’t take my feelings for granted.  If she’s not, she’ll just fuck me up even more than the others, reason being I feel more for Jewell than all of the other girls in my life.

I feel for her more than all the others.  There is just something different about her.  She is so gentle and delicate that I wouldn’t want it any different than to treat her right, every night.

Jewell is calling me tomorrow at 8pm.  We are going to be deeper into this conversation.  She has lots of time to think about me in that time and I’m going to be thinking about her all day until the time comes to talk to her.  

Now I’m going to have a shower and then fall asleep for work with good dreams and good thoughts in my mind, about Jewell.