Playing my computer for the past hour or two, I just received a call while the music was pumping. It could have been anyone, but having called Jewell at 2:30pm, I gathered it might be her. Still, I thought I would call back Lyssa, as it was 4:30pm and she would be home now.
Lyssa Has Lots Of Questions
Ringing Lyssa she was on call waiting, so I knew someone was home. Lyssa answered the phone. She just tried calling Penelope to see if she was home. Lyssa and I just started talking about her day and what I had done for mine, which was nothing.
We then started talking tax returns.
“I earned $50 in interest on a term deposit this year. I think I will lose $50 from my tax return,” she thought.
“I don’t think so,” I replied. “If that was the case then no one would even bother trying to earn money through term deposits because they wouldn’t make any money in the long run. Yes, you do get taxed on your interest, but that’s treated just as your income would be treated. So, you’d only lose a fraction.”
Gift Giving In Past Relationships
Lyssa then broke the ranks of sincerity.
“I was curious, why have you sent CDs and gifts to all your other girlfriends but not to me?”
Knowing she meant Jewell (because she read my Diary and learnt of the truth) I recapped my thoughts and told Lyssa my true feelings. What I had with all other partners, especially after our break up or distance, there would become a fantasy.
For Kathryn I sent her a CD, a tape with songs and a long letter. That was my luring technique to get her back with me.
For Jewell it was a transparent reality up until the date of our break up.
Jewell and I were two opposing magnets that had to become neutral, and it didn’t happen until the fantasy started to kick in.
The last letters I sent to Jewell were supposed to be a wake up call for her so she would realize that she was missing out on a big thing. But it was not to be.
The CD was then within my fantasy, where I conjured this idea in my head relating our dates of importance. Breeding on my idea it came into a translucent idea within my fantasy. Because Jewell dumped me and I still liked the idea of being with her, I gave it my best shot. To my knowledge now, it worked.
The common occurrence in both scenarios is how both girls either pushed me away or disappeared for unseen reasons. Thus my fantasy kicked in to fill in the void of emptiness.
The Blurring Of Reality With Fantasy
With Lyssa, being with her for over a year and doing almost everything with her, even though I’m not over her yet, I know that I have to move on. Sending a CD to Lyssa would not be within the realms of reality and I don’t want to probe away from there.
I was going to send Lyssa her CD of Madonna and keep on the tradition in different aspects, but I chose not to, partly because of money. But because my mind is fixated on one equilibrium at the moment, my attentions have been diverted to the CD for Jewell.
I know and therefor believe that Jewell and I are still fixated in the fantasy we both helped create. It has taken over everything else that was real. Jewell and I are still living in our fantasy and only when we are together again (If that does happen), then none but Lyssa would have been reality to me.
Evolution has become me . I grow with every mistake I encounter within my life. This I admit could be a big mistake, having mixed feelings up in the air and being stuck between my fantasy and a reality that was lost.
But everyone likes to dream for a while, and that’s what I will do, lose myself for some time.
Only when I have planted my feet firmly on the ground in the future will I be able to think clearly and know my purpose and objectives. When I have passed the momentum of my fantasy, that will be the breaking of the triangle, or will it.
Ralf Wants To Make Demo Tape
Ralf has just called me over the phone. I can’t escape the fool. He’s coming over tonight so he can use his Guitar and make up a demo tape. This is going to be hell for my parents and more or less hell for me.
Ralf is going to be over for some time tonight. He won’t allow me to do my normal rounds or routine, so I’m going to try and give Jewell a call back now, as I think it was her that called.
Diary Of A Mad Chaos is a daily diary written from March 1996 until today, of which individual books and book series have been created, namely “The Lost Years” an exploration of young, entwined love, the “Wubao In China (猎艳奇缘)” book series which provides an extensive comparative analysis of the cultural differences between Eastern and Western societies, and the book titled “Foreigner (华人)” an exploration of race relations in Australia.
