A Heart To Heart Talk With Lyssa – Mad Chaos: July 13, 1998

Right now I am listening to the CD player, some tunes shall we say.  Today has been fairly boring, condemned to the sanctions of my home doing nothing but playing the computer, watching television and enjoying food.  As per usual, my day started around 2pm, fairly late I might say, but I’ve grown accustomed to that now.  

When I do wake up I wonder why I can’t produce the same efforts as I do after midnight (being my computer and artwork).  My conclusion was not that of laziness but my mind would operate more as a refined tool.

Today there was no contact with the outside world apart from my call to Centrelink, Imad and then Lyssa.  From tomorrow, Lyssa and I won’t even be talking.  As I know it, there will be no conversation.  

Problems With Centrelink Call Center

Calling Centrelink today I tried to change the address that was changed to Lyssa’s by accident.  After successfully connecting, trying for half an hour I was placed onto a Hindu operator.  Everything was going fine.  She was going to render the problem.  But her computer was slow, so she put me on hold so that the problem could be rendered.  Half a fucken hour later this lady tells me the computer is on the blink and she would refer me to another officer.

Being the nice person that I am, there I sat agreeing.  Whence I was placed to another male Hindu speaking operator, he sounded harsher to my problems.  Not being able to understand the simple task of changing an address, we too sat there for twenty minutes arguing where I need my mail sent.  All he could keep saying was that he couldn’t do it and I would have to come in to Centrelink to rectify the problem.

So pissed off I was that I asked for the supervisor, not needing to take their shit.  Once again, another Hindu sounding authoritative lady answered the phone.  For another ten minutes I tried to explain to her that my previous address was my parents’ house, but because their computers are so fucked up, she couldn’t acknowledge that.  

I was forced to accept their stupidity and hang up the phone.  What was supposed to be a simple phone call turned out to be the biggest joke in the history of the government’s offices.

Could Not Be Bothered With Imad 

Calling Imad soon after, he was still asleep.  Knowing that I shouldn’t have even bothered (what’s he going to do anyway, come over?  I don’t think so) he told me to ring in an hour when he woke up.  I didn’t.  

Having a shower and my breakfast in the afternoon, I jumped onto the computer and tried to work on the CD, but it just wasn’t on my mind.  Right now, the CD is on my mind, so after this entry I’m at it.

Lyssa Cancels Idea To Buy A Car

Thinking Lyssa would be home at 4:30pm I gave her a call.  Finding out that Lyssa came home at 10:30am from College, she wasn’t feeling well.  Lyssa is coming down with something.  

Lyssa shared on our first conversation.

“I went to visit Penelope today.  We went shopping around two o’ clock.  But I only had twenty dollars in my bank account.  So I had to put a lay-by on some shoes I really liked.  Shopping makes me happy,” Lyssa told me.

“Then from Macarthur Square we traveled back to Penelope’s house before I was dropped off at home.”

With some thought on the issue, the topic then changed to Kiley’s car.

“I decided not to buy Kiley’s car,” Lyssa said.

“Why not,” I asked.

“I need to take out a loan so that I can pay for her car.  With the money I would need to pay off the loan, there would be no money left over for clothing.  Besides, I wouldn’t drive the car in the wet,” Lyssa argued it would be a waste of all of her money.  

Lyssa and I talked for just under an hour about her day and mine.  Kuper came home and wanted to use the phone to call Carleigh and was commanding.  Lyssa didn’t want to give him the phone because she too was on an important call.  But, because their phone has a tendency to hang up now if you nudge it, Kuper got his wish.

Just a thought, well now I’ve forgotten the thought because I was cleaning the mouse, but I can assure you it will come back.  God I hate when I forget the thought, but I remember it would have been great to place within my Diary.  

Lyssa Comfortable With Our Friendship

Twenty minutes passed and I thought Lyssa was being rude because I thought she just hung up without saying goodbye.  Reminding Lyssa what had happened, she totally forgot because she had a tussle with her brother, but she apologized.  

Lyssa and I once again shared our thoughts the second time around.  Some of them were about Sunday and how Lyssa now knows she’s over me.  It still hurts her.  

When I was over her house she was uncomfortable at the start when looking at me.  

That soon faded, but it was evident that we were both without reach towards a unity.  There was no Lyssa and I anymore.

Lyssa once again told me she’s never going to find anyone or at least be sexual.  With her beautiful figure and special personality, she will break hearts beyond us, no doubt about that.  Dreading the day that Lyssa finds someone else, I will also rejoice and feel good, knowing she found someone special once again.  Maybe then I will be able to forgive myself for lying behind her back and the trust she shouldn’t have given towards me.

The Truth About The Crowded Car

Also on my mind was the time that Lyssa was in the car with seven people crammed up.  That was eating away in my mind for a while.  I tried to work it into conversation in a subtle way.  

Like I had originally thought, Lyssa had no fancy for any of the guys.  Two guys jumped in the front seat.  Then Lyssa was sitting on Kiley’s lap in the back seat crammed up in the corner with the guys on the other side.  That relieved me, so I didn’t bother asking if Lyssa wore a skirt.  I didn’t really care.

Lyssa Asks For A Break

Lyssa had to go once again.  I told her I would call her back later in the night.  When I finally did call Lyssa she came onto the phone.  But because she was watching a movie she taped last night, she would call me back.  

Twenty minutes later Lyssa called me back.  It was silent at the start.  Soon after, Lyssa and I started getting into conversation about our breakup once again.  

Maybe I’m not right but I think Lyssa reads my answers and questions and then acts upon them to make both of us happier.  There was one example of this tonight.

“I think we should not call each other for a couple of days, to see how we feel,” down the line of the conversation Lyssa told me.  

“I agree with you,” I replied.  

I knew this would emerge one day.  It had to.  

Lyssa then asked, “What are your thoughts?”

Blurred within words, I told her my feelings.

“We’ve kept in contact every day of our lives and it’s just going to be hard,” her idea came as a shock to me.

Lyssa agreed, but we both agree it has to happen some time, and that it should be soon.  

Like I was noting in my Diary earlier, Lyssa and I probably won’t talk to each other for two days or more.  Whoever feels like calling first will make the first move.  I know that after these couple of days there will be a new understanding between Lyssa and I, somewhat more distant I gather.

Admitting I Cheated On Lyssa

Remembering how I called Jewell just after my breakup with Lyssa, I know now that it was extremely selfish of me.  

Wishing that I could take back time I would wipe away the existence of that call.  

Maybe that way I wouldn’t have been so prude, wanting to sustain our word of breaking up the relationship.  Maybe if I didn’t call Jewell, the distraught cries I heard over the phone wouldn’t have haunted me and I could have made Lyssa feel better.  Maybe I could have held on and we could have been together right now, and the right time (if ever there should have been for Jewell and I) would have been within the future, and she would have had no recollection of that day.  

Well, that is a mistake I realize.  The only way I can really get over the fact of cheating behind Lyssa’s back (which is what it would have been even thought I never did see Jewell in the flesh) is if Lyssa one day forgives me.  That’s when I do tell her.

Lyssa In Tears

When the dreaded time came to hang up the phone, we both said goodnight to each other.  Then a silence traveled the length of the phone.  Lyssa didn’t hang up and neither did I.  Knowing that I wouldn’t be able to talk to Lyssa tomorrow made me hang on.  

Then I heard Lyssa’s tears falling, and it upset me.  Trying to be sympathetic for Lyssa I too was teary eyed.  Lyssa and I sat there compassionate to each other.  Both of us were sad that this day had to come.  

“I remember when you went far away to visit your family on Christmas.  I called you every day, Lyssa wished she could be back there on that day with me,” I reminisced on the days.

Knowing this was just like our true ending of an unfinished story, Lyssa and I decided to stay on the phone for another half an hour.  In that time, our feelings came into play.  Lyssa and I opened up.  We relished on the past and then talked of the future.  

“I wish that you were here so that you could kiss me all over the face,” Lyssa gushed with pent up emotions.

Adorning my face was a huge smile.  

“Hold the phone up to your cheeks.  I will keep kissing through the phone,”  I set out to make Lyssa’s wish partially true.

Kisses over the phone had done it for Lyssa.  Once again, a smile decorated my face.

I gave Lyssa some more kisses over the phone.

“Can I have some kisses back,” I even asked.  

She blew some kisses back in return.

The next time I will talk to Lyssa will probably be on Thursday, or if I feel real lonely then I will call a day before.  The good thing about this is that I can’t be selfish just yet.  There is no presence of Jewell so I can’t cheat my feelings and harbor them into someone else.

There are no plans for tomorrow, no traveling, no visitors, no communication.  My hopes are that this can be some torture for the times I have placed Lyssa and Jewell through pain.  These few days of silence are my revenge upon my weak nature, and I admit I am weak.  But, when you get used to someone being beside you, like I did with Jewell and then Lyssa, you have to relish.  You feel as if there is no life without someone else.