A Part Of Me Wants To Move On – Mad Chaos: June 30, 1998

What did I do?  What have I put you through?

The Meaning In Music

Just home from Campbelltown, on my walking journey I thought two things, both about Jewell.  This is the first time since our last consequential conversation over the phone.  The CD, I once again haven’t set work on it for a couple of days.  But now, I’m planning to “Radio Edit” the songs I am placing on the CD.  But to my thoughts now.

Firstly, today I had a song singing in my head constantly.  This song was not consciously thought of, it just came.  The song “It’s not over till it’s over” by some lady singer I can’t recall.  The important words from that song were “It’s not over, until I’m over you,” which to me makes sense.

A Fond Memory With Jewell

Walking past Ralf’s house I thought of the day that Jewell had to get home because she was late (or she had to meet her mum at the station), back in the day when Ralf used to drive.  My thoughts tuned to the rush we had to endure.  Walking very fast, I smiled when Jewell started running to catch up.  Just a little jog to catch up to me but it brings a smile to my face, how coy she acted.

Being late didn’t really bother her.  Walking didn’t bother her.  She was with me.  As I recall, Jewell had to take her shoes off to run faster or something like that.  I heckled Jewell to take off her shoes in a mischievous manner and said she never would.  

“You don’t reckon,” she said.

Then she took off her heels and ran with me while barefoot.  She proved me wrong.  I was surprised at how impromptu her surprises were.

Then we caught up to Ralf’s house, he was out the front working on his car system.

Having a plan I walked up to Ralf and asked him if he would drive Jewell and I to the station where she can catch the train.  Ralf jokingly said, “I don’t know, it’s quite a trip.”  We jumped into his car.  

Sitting in the back with Jewell (at least I think I did), I remember Jewell looked so small in the back of Ralf’s car, with a smile of anticipation on her face.  She looked so good that day.  My thoughts now are she looked like she was in a Limousine and the smile on her face was pure wonder and excitement, “Wow, I’m in a Limousine.”  

Writing that passage brings a smile to my face.  All the way home I tried to remember those two things so I could write in my Diary.

An Idea For An Audio Diary

Another thought in my mind was the idea of getting a special package for my word processing that allows me to talk into a Microphone and it will automatically type it according to what I say.  I’m wondering, will that take away my thoughts because I am wording them or will it ameliorate my thinking ability.  The only downer, I won’t be able to use a thesaurus easier but who cares.

In addition, I thought of getting a handheld recorder so I could place my ideas on magnetic tape for later use.  What I was thinking on the way home could have been out of my thought patterns and onto the miniature tape.  All these ideas are fine but I don’t have money to spend on little contraptions.  

Keeping In Touch With Friends

It’s been a couple of days since I’ve talked to either Imad or Ali.  I’m thinking of giving them a call tonight so I could keep in contact, maybe invite Imad over.  What makes me wonder is how come Ali and I travel around together, no hassles for him and me to bond, but Imad (even though he’s my best friend) can’t really make time to pick me up one day and just go around Campbelltown.  

Out of all the time he’s had his car, the only time I really traveled around with him was when we visited Lake’s coffin at the Funeral place.  God bless his soul.  Only a couple of weeks ago was the anniversary of when he passed away.

Lyssa Sleeps Over

Well to start out of chronological order, starting with today’s events.  Lyssa slept over my house last night.  She woke up an hour later today for work.  The alarm didn’t go off.  I forgot to wind up the clock.  Lyssa was in a rush and I was asleep most of the time.  Trying to be helpful, I asked Lyssa if she would like something to eat, but she wasn’t hungry.  

Lyssa knew I wasn’t walking her to the bus stop so she took her makeup with her, gave me a kiss, and was then on her way.

Awake last night until 3:30am I didn’t wake up until 1pm.  Jumping out of bed, I had a shower.  Then Lyssa gave me a call as I was getting dressed.  

Lyssa was making sure if our plans were still correct that we made last night.  I was to meet Lyssa in Campbelltown at 4pm so she could sell some CDs.  Confirming our meet I got back to my computer game “Myth” for an hour, just got annoyed, and then started walking to Campbelltown with two plastic bags of Lyssa’s in my hands.

Attracted To The Young Blonde

Walking past the bus stop near Pizza Hut’s car park (just after the lights), I noticed a girl dressed in Campbelltown High School clothes.  Thinking I’ve seen her before I kept my eye on her.  Noticing me up the road, a smile adorned my face as I walked past her and noticed her posture was fairly straight, so straight that she was deliberately popping her chest out.  Still with my eyes on her, she finally looked.  I noticed she had real nice eyes, a young blonde.  A second was all we saw of each other, as I strode past her to look back twice in adoration.  As I turned the corner onto Queen Street her eyes were on me.  Then I disappeared.

Do you ever have the feeling that when you are in a dense crowded situation, people that attract you or are meant to be in your life stick out.  Like everyone else is dressed in black and faded and this one person is colorful with a wonderful glow around her, and her eyes are connected with yours.  Well, that’s not so with this girl but it happens.  It happened with Jewell.

Being Reminded Of Jewell

Twenty minutes early I sat down on the seats at Platform three and remained seated in anticipation.  The first train of the bunch arrived.  Looking for Lyssa, she wasn’t there.  Rather, I noticed another girl jumping off the train sitting down two benches down.  This girl reminded me of someone but I couldn’t put a finger on it.  

Waiting for Lyssa’s arrival I thought I might take a couple of peeks to figure it out, but a guy was in the way.  Eventually he moved.  Looking in her direction but not at her I waited for her to look.  Eventually, she looked at me.  

When our eyes caught, I realized, she reminded me of Jewell.  

Emotions started running through my body.  A hot thrush of blood traveled up and down my spine.  But, sorrow adorned my face, as I knew this is all it has been for the past year or more, an image of what was once a proud day.

Snapped out of my imagination by the next arriving train, reality had set in as I waited for Lyssa to greet me.  Lyssa was indeed on the next train.  Standing up to greet her, I took one last look at the girl on the red oak seat, blindly staring in the distance.  Long blonde locks of fine hair brushed over her facial features, arms and legs loosely crossed over each other for warmth, checkered ‘Hound Dog’ pants that did release my imagination.  Completely oblivious of my tantalizing eyes and wild thoughts, she stared, expressionless in the distance.

Lyssa Sells CDs To Book Exchange Store 

Back to the point where I had my ‘News Break’, I believe I had just picked up Lyssa from the station. Slowly the opacity of the figure I remembered as Jewell was disappearing into the distance.  The sight of the girl’s face that reminded me of Jewell brought back so much memories.  It haunts me until now.  But with time (another haunting factor), the thought will disappear.

Lyssa and I walked to the Book Exchange store and we dumped the CDs with the guy.  Informing us he had to check the CDs, we walked around for a minute or two.  In the end, the guy bought a couple of CD’s for $10.  Lyssa happily accepted.  

Walking back out of the store, Lyssa gave me the money.  She said she owed me.  I wasn’t complaining.  Thinking it wasn’t fair to keep Lyssa’s money, 

I decided to visit a new eatery in Campbelltown called ‘Chicken In A Box’.  Purchasing some relatively inexpensive food, Lyssa had her pick.  Then we sat down to eat.  This is the point where I wasn’t talkative.  But apart from my thoughts, I was eating, so you have to give me some credit.

Helping Lyssa with the plastic bags filled with her clothes and CDs, we walked to the station where we caught a train to Leumeah.  The sun was starting to set and it was getting colder, as Lyssa put her jacket on.  

Whenever Lyssa mentions that I look shitty, it makes me more agitated.  That’s how I felt at the bus stop.  Waiting for the bus was like relieving tension.  When Lyssa’s bus came I helped her with the bags, gave her a kiss, and then made my way for the platform, waving her goodbye.  From there I caught my train and then walked home, making it home just before the rain started falling.  

A Part Of Me Wants To Move On

News break… I’m all over the place now, nothing is in chronological order but here goes.  Lyssa gave me a call when I stopped writing my last passage.  Wwe got into a little argument because she thought I was not myself today.  When we were eating, I kept to myself and didn’t really say much, probably because I wasn’t happy with traveling to Campbelltown to help Lyssa sell her CDs and then go home in the winter night.  

Sitting on the seat at the train station and on my way there I was thinking to myself how upsetting it is that I can’t touch or even spark conversation with any of these girls no matter how much I like them because I’m already attached.  There is a part of me that wants to give up and move on.

Give Ali A Phone Call

Before our little tussle, Lyssa told me how Ali was missing me because he hasn’t heard from me for at least a week.  With that in mind, after Lyssa and I ended our conversation on a silent note, I gave Ali a call.  Calling the home phone, someone was already on it and didn’t answer Call Waiting in time, so I called Ali’s mobile phone.

Answering the phone I told him it was Bob (now my trademark name as I always use it).  He was elated hearing my voice.  There were a bunch of people at Ali’s house including Penelope who he wasn’t too ecstatic about.  

Conversation kicked off, as I talked about my weekend and his weekend.  Both of us seeing ‘Deep Impact’ we talked densely about that topic.  Ali liked the movie but we both disagreed about the ending.  We both wanted to see everyone die and then what life would be like after the holocaust.  

Ali was upset that both rocks didn’t hit the earth as the comet split into two.  We both agreed that some of the water animations looked realistic except for the time they were all climbing up the hill to escape the tidal wave.  I’m sorry but water that travels at the speed of light doesn’t go up and down hills, rather when it hit the first hill it would keep traveling straight splashing all over the place, not up and down fluidly.

Ali then told me he stuck the pictures of the cars up on his wall for show and that even though he has a new differential for his car, it won’t be on the road for a while.  

Ali seems to be having a fight with Imad.  It seems that Imad is a dog to him.  Ali didn’t want to comment on the nature of the fight so that leaves me only to wonder.  

After half an hour of conversation Ali had to let his mum use the phone so I asked him to come over so he can pick up the pictures of his car that I printed out a couple of days ago.  Ali might be coming over later tonight.

Give Imad A Phone Call

Imad was next on the list seeming I haven’t called him for a while also.  Imad was on the way back from the City.  Not knowing the exact significance of his visit to Sydney, I started talking about Dina and how she thinks she’s better than everyone else, as put in Imad’s words.  

We then talked about the new game I have on my computer. Imad thought he would come over my house later.  

Still I am to call Lyssa.  I know she is sitting at home thinking “Why doesn’t Tony call me back?   Doesn’t he care?”  The truth of the fact is I’m just tired, tired of performing.