Talk Of A Break After Fight With Lyssa – Mad Chaos: November 15, 1997

Breakup Scenarios With Lyssa

I guess that after you break up with the person you really love, after all the hate is over, you try to move on.  I guess that after all the people I couple with following the person that I truly loved, they won’t mean as much when you wake up in the morning.  You will wish they weren’t there and then think back in the days to what you had, and wish you were there.  Then you’ll remember why you argued, why there was so much pain, why so much tears were shed.

You’ll know, you can’t go back, it’s too late. 

I’m thinking that after Lyssa and I break up me and her will be empty for a long time.  The thing is that we will argue for nothing and break up for no real reason.

Dinner With Lyssa At Lonestar

Lyssa and I came real close today to what I call a break up.  Last night was perfect.  We met at Campbelltown and had dinner at Lonestar.  It’s the first time I’ve ever been out with her anywhere since before we started going out, we went to the movies together. 

Meeting up with Jett at Lonestar, we talked until I got called in.  Then he said goodbye.  Dina works at Lonestar.  She served us for the night as we dined out having something nice to eat.

Conversation was good, nothing was wrong. 

Bumping Into Miroslav

Walking through Campbelltown after a big appetite I met up with Miroslav in another restaurant.  Lyssa waited outside.  I talked to him about the year 12 formal and what he’s doing that night.  Miroslav looked homosexual with what he was wearing, and how he had a table for two and his curly haired guy friend was with him.  I talked to them for ten or so minutes.

Then Lyssa and I walked to Fisher’s Ghost Festival to check out what was happening.  We walked straight through and we felt good walking the night, nice and warm with the breeze at our back.

Uncover Phoenix’s House Party

Upon reaching my house, we stepped into my room.  Calling Lucas to see what was happening, he told me he was at Phoenix’s house having a party along with, Ralf, Tatton, Shawn, Keith and Rory. 

Now Keith, Lucas and Rory I can understand, but for Shawn and the rest to say so much behind Rory’s back, behind Phoenix’s back, and then to travel to the house of mischief and have fun is dumbfounding.

As soon as they gathered that I had called they tried to make it better in my books.  That’s why I got so many calls tonight to go out.  Jett on the other hand was all by himself last night.  I’m not sure if he got told about Phoenix and decided not to go because of my feelings or if he just wasn’t told, but he didn’t go.  It’s hard for him not to be told since he talks to all of them.

Cold Treatment With Lyssa

We were getting ready to sleep, having a conversation.  I brought down some drink and I asked Lyssa to do me a favor and massage me.  She didn’t have a problem. 

I lay on the bed waiting for her to finish her drink and give me a massage.  It wasn’t too much to ask of my girlfriend.  But I found that when she lay on the ground with her back away from me, it was obvious she didn’t want to satisfy me in any way that night. 

Asking her why she was angry, she told me she wasn’t.  Then I told her not to talk to me.

Silent was the room for over half an hour.  Then she finally spoke, telling me she wants to go home.  That annoyed me so much to hear her speak these words, but I respect now why she said it.  If I was at her house and was feeling uncomfortable I wouldn’t take it either.  I’d leave. 

Lyssa Wants To Go Home

The argument got to the point where she wanted to call her mum.  I wanted her to stay, but if that’s what she wanted to do, I guess I’d let her if she really wanted to leave.  The truth was she didn’t want to leave.  She was just testing me to see if I’d change, if I’d tell her that I don’t want her to go because of this and that. 

She called her mum and it was over in 10 seconds.  She hung up after she was told she wouldn’t get picked up.

Argument was many for over an hour.  At the end of it, we both got angry and upset and over what, nothing.  That’s happening more recently in our relationship, we are arguing over nothing vital. 

Lyssa ended up sleeping on the ground until I asked her onto the bed with me, or I’ll sleep on the floor if she wanted me to.  She came up.  Then I let her take the blanket and pillow on the ground because she said it was more comfortable for her.

Until the early hours of the morning I lay with nothing covering me. 

Asking Lyssa Back Up Onto The Bed

Upon waking up I realized where Lyssa was and where I was.  Then I asked if I could lay next to her. She agreed, as I cuddled up behind her.  We were still quiet until the early hours of the morning.  As we jumped back onto the waterbed, I placed my arms around her once more. 

Deciding to put her loving through the test, I wanted to see if she would do the same for me, if she’d put her arms around me.  Laying to the side of her, it took over half an hour for her, but she finally realized.  It was good.

Half an hour later we didn’t kiss, but made up in different ways, orally.  To her I was selfish for doing what I did.  She told me it seemed like I just done what I had to do with her to satisfy my urges, and then I went back to being mean. 

To add to that story, I always have to make her do everything for me.  Lately she doesn’t want to satisfy me anymore.  It takes so much effort for me to even get her in the mood to satisfy me.  She didn’t even want to give me a massage last night.  What does that say?  So after I had my fun I did go back to my ways, back to recuperation.

Lyssa Storms Out Of My House

Lyssa tried to go home in the morning.  She rang Penelope and her mum, but they didn’t pick her up.  Storming out of my house, she walked to Campbelltown.  I was going to walk with her but she just took off. 

Sitting in my room I thought to myself, “What did I deserve to be treated in this way?”

Sometimes I feel that the only satisfaction she gets is when I treat her good and that she thinks it’s a chore to satisfy me or do something nice for me.  Still, in almost 5 months of seeing her she’s never surprised me in any way, done anything sexual to make me happy. 

I think that I do everything in my power to do what makes her happy and I don’t like it getting thrown back in my face.  I gave her my love, my emotions and freedom, and it was used selfishly.

Running After Lyssa

Running to get in front of her just before Campbelltown, I walked with her to the station, getting a word or two in.  I was going to ask her for a kiss to hopefully make things a little better. 

Before I could say anything, she saw Louise.  As soon as I saw her I knew how she’d treat me, and she did.  Completely disregarding me, she talked to Louise.

Then Lyssa looked back to tell me “Don’t you have to be somewhere?”

I wasn’t going to take that, so I took off.  She brushed me off to look good in front of her friend, and to make me look bad.  Pissed off, I really thought hard on how she treated me.  I needed to get distracted. 

Blowing Off Steam At The Mall

I wanted to spend some money, but then thought this money is for Lyssa and for the year 12 formal.  Then I thought to myself, that’s not Lyssa’s money.  That money is mine.  So I spent some and bought a CD, which I’m listening to now.

Bumping Into Zola

Walking to the mall in Campbelltown, I thought I’d visit Tatton at Lowes.  By chance I bumped into Zola and Tatton talking to each other.  Having not seen Zola for so long, I thought we should go for a walk and have a conversation. 

Zola helped me shop for the CD I was looking for.  She told me how Kofi is at The Entrance working.  She told me everything was alright. 

Jewell came into conversation also. 

Lyssa Calls To Apologize

Saying bye to Zola, I walked out to go home.  Lyssa called me on the phone.  She was in Campbelltown and felt bad for what happened.  Getting together, she had just had lunch with Louise, and Louise wanted to get her eyebrows plucked. 

We walked around Campbelltown.  I got my haircut in the mall.  Lyssa talked to Bielka while I had a conversation with Tatton.  It turns out that Bielka saw me with Zola and described her to Lyssa as a tall, dark-skinned, gorgeous girl with curly hair.  Bielka saw me traveling up the escalators. 

Bielka Mentions Zola To Lyssa

While at the hairdressers Lyssa asked me if I talked to anyone while in the mall.  I didn’t want to say to her that I was talking to Zola because she’d think the worst, where nothing bad eventuated from me catching up with Zola from not having seen her since earlier this year. 

Louise called her mum to go home.  Lyssa was invited to go with her but she decided to go with Bielka.  Just thinking about that, she probably wanted to question Bielka about the person I was with, so she could match it up with what I’d say later.

Return Home To Lyssa’s Phone Call

Walking home after buying some film for my camera, I walked a hot day.  It almost rained on me. 

Stepping into my house, the phone almost instantly rang.  It was Lyssa.  We talked for an hour with nothing much being sorted out, and we hung up angrier than before. 

That’s when I put on my CD and started typing this.  I was interrupted about half an hour later and two paragraphs ago.

Lyssa Thinks We Need Time Apart

This conversation we actually got somewhere, and things are somewhat less stressful.  Some was sorted out but we had bad moments.  It got to the point where Lyssa told me that we should stay apart for a little, like a week or two.  That way, maybe we’d appreciate each other more. 

I got to the point where I actually told her I loved her.  I know I do and it sounded right to say it but I don’t feel I should have said it, even though she knows how I feel.  She told me it was such a big word to express feelings with.

Also what I feel is that I do things for Lyssa and still do because I like satisfying her, it satisfies me.  Whenever I do anything for her it doesn’t seem like a chore or a hassle. 

It seems that now after I’ve talked to Lyssa on the phone and we’ve sorted it out, that some moments are still a chore and hassle to her.  Sexually, when I want her to do something for me I’ll have to guide her.  She’ll let out a sigh or put her head down or just stop.  But, when it’s got something to do with her body or her feelings, she’ll be up for it.

The Subject Of Fake Happiness

Off that subject now, let me talk about a subject called “Fake Happiness” and let me use Lucas as an example.  While I was still in Campbelltown I called Lucas and he told me that he was teaching a nice girl from Pizza Hut how to drive, so he let her drive his car.  Now, I remember asking him for a lesson or two and he wouldn’t really trust my driving. 

It seems that Lucas would trust a pretty girl’s driving better than mine, because he thinks that it will make her happy.  Guys have that tendency, no Freder what, to satisfy a woman. 

Fake Happiness is the satisfaction he’ll get out of giving a girl the privilege to do what normally wouldn’t be allowed, usually for sexual favor or preference.  Then the person is dissatisfied when he knows that it didn’t do anything, it was all an act for nothing.  If something is gained there is always regret when the day comes that all is lost. 

Planning Tonight

Getting off that subject, I think I’ve written enough.

The city might be happening tonight for the boys.  Ali, Lucas and maybe Imad might be driving to the City.  The boys are gathering their thoughts already.