The Feelings I Feel With Lyssa
When I scream, why does no one hear me? When I’m in pain, why do my wounds still bleed? When I’m sad, why don’t my tears just disappear? When you’re with me, why do I feel alone?
I don’t need to be treated as an extra person to you. When you invite me somewhere I expect to be with you. When you tell me you need me, don’t walk away, don’t leave me too long and don’t walk in on the last moment… when you know all can be lost.
You never come to me. Only once in anger have I felt relieved. Everyday there is pain, and all the time we are together it won’t go away.
The first time I kiss you, I want to kiss you again. The first time we hug, I want to hug again. When we make love for the first time there will be another. So when we fight, there will always be a next time.
There will always be more pain, more faults, more things to blame and cry about, more thoughts to think about.
Nothing can help me and you, but me and you, not our friends, not our enemies, only our feelings.
When I come to you, you should come to me. If I kiss you, you should have kissed me. When I hold you, you should have held me, and when I love you, you should have loved me.
There is not a day that goes by where I can’t say that I don’t love you, but I never tell you. There is not a day that goes by that you can’t say you love me, but you never tell me.
Being Afraid To Say I Love You
I’ve given you my heart, opened up to you and shown that I love you. I have tried to give you everything that you need, tried to be everything you want, tried to do everything you want me to do, but I can’t tell you I love you.
I’m afraid that I’ve opened up too much already. I’m afraid there’s been too many fights, too many problems, and too many tears shed for me to reveal. If I say I love you it won’t change anything. You might say it back, but I was the first once again to show affection, to show love, and I’m afraid that if I reveal this to you, that nothing will change, everything will still be the same.
I will still come to you. I will still treat you like my queen. I will still always hold everything inside, taking in all the hurt, all the pain, and all the anger, until I just can’t bear it.
I will do all this for you. All you will do is think, and take what is given, but never give back. These are the feelings I feel with Lyssa. This is what has to change to make it better.
Trying With Lyssa At Bielk’a House Party
Ali and I drove to Bielka’s house yesterday after we met at Woodbine Macers hanging out with Simon, Jett and some others.
Driving to Bielka’s house everything was fine last night. Even though I felt a bit left out, Lyssa was trying for us. Lyssa would try for me and I’d try back. She would show me how she cared.
I watched her have fun with her friends. We watched movies, had fun, talked and slept. Last night was good as I lay next to her before Ali broke my slumber to go home.
Tension Between Lyssa And I
Today came. I talked to her on the phone and all was alright. She invited us to Bielka’s house for dinner and we were fine.
We walked in meeting them in the backyard. I had to kiss her in fear that she wouldn’t kiss me and we would be upset.
She smoked in front of me, turning away as if not to care and not realize that I don’t like her smoking in front of me. I’ve told her before I don’t like to see her smoke, and then for me not able to kiss her because she smoked.
Now that she is on the pill I care so much for her and her body, her safety. I wouldn’t want to hurt her.
Lyssa Couldn’t Be Bothered With Me
When we walked inside she sat away from me. Penelope had seen me upset and sat next to me after Ali left for his house to get something.
Lyssa came to me only after I called her over. She asked me what was wrong. Then she told me she could not be bothered and walked away.
They all walked outside for a smoke. I thought to myself for a while.
Walking Away From Lyssa
After a minute or two I just walked out the door and didn’t look back, just kept walking as alone as I arrived to Bielka’s house in the first place. Lyssa and Bielka chased after me.
I tried to talk to her.
I’d have to say, when I walked away from Bielka’s house, away from Lyssa and she came to me, I felt bad for walking away.
She asked me, “Do you want to end it?”
I’d get worried when she said that. I didn’t want to end it.
When I would walk away she would tell me she’s leaving, but always come back.
Lyssa and I were about to break up, but I didn’t want it to happen. Every time the situation came up and she asked if I wanted to break up, I’d feel hurt and empty in my heart, like I’ve given my everything… and now this.
As soon as Ali arrived she walked away from me. Lyssa was distant.
Taking my jacket out of his car I walked away, telling Ali to drive Lyssa back to Bielka’s house.
I would have also come back but I didn’t get the chance to. I kept walking. I clenched my fist on my chest and felt the same kind of pain but only with a different meaning. These feelings for Lyssa are real, and she knows how I feel without me saying it, and I know how she feels. She doesn’t have to tell me.
Ali came some time later and picked me up to talk to me. He told me how Lyssa was crying and was upset. I told him some of how I felt.
Crying Over The Phone To Lyssa
Lyssa called. I didn’t want to speak to her, putting her onto Ali. An hour of talk later he dropped me off home where I wanted to think.
Lyssa called me and we had another one or two hour discussion. I opened up to her like I always do, and she cried to me and I cried to her.
Lyssa was crying her eyes out and I shed some tears while we were talking on the phone to each other, for just how much I really care for her.
There has been a lot of emotion between me and Lyssa. All I can say is that she is coming to my house now.
I don’t want to talk much more. I just want to wash my face and wait.
Every girl in my life has always hurt me in some way. I just want to meet a person that will always be right to me, do the right things toward me, and never make me feel alone, by myself and unwanted.
I want to meet the person who will always do me right because I know I will always do her right. I always do.
Diary Of A Mad Chaos is a daily diary written from March 1996 until today, of which individual books and book series have been created, namely “The Lost Years” an exploration of young, entwined love, the “Wubao In China (猎艳奇缘)” book series which provides an extensive comparative analysis of the cultural differences between Eastern and Western societies, and the book titled “Foreigner (华人)” an exploration of race relations in Australia.
