Discussing The Affection Issue With Lyssa – Mad Chaos: September 28, 1997

Lyssa and I have had a very interesting weekend, emotionally independent with each other for once, not knowing what will happen next.  

Trip To Bankstown With Lyssa

Saturday, waking up Lyssa at 10am, we met in Campbelltown at midday.  It was a stupid move because I had to get her poem done, but didn’t have time upon when she met me.  

We had small problems from the start, where I wanted to go by myself to Campbelltown library while she developed her film.  She disagreed with me, not wanting to be alone.  

From there we traveled to Bankstown where we were still insecure with how we felt.  I tried to kiss her for the first time that night, but she disallowed it.

Watching A Movie At Lyssa’s House

The rest of the day she went home and got ready for the night watching movies.  Asking her if she would like to invite some friends, I decided to also invite Shawn and Ali.  

Giving Bert Roscoe his CD’s, I got a lift home and was ready to meet the girls.  

Shawn came over with his motorbike.   Ali drove over in his Celica.  We all drove to see Ralf at the Catholic Club.

We then rented a movie and watched it at Lyssa’s house.

Entertaining Our Groups Of Friends

While there Lyssa was keeping her friends occupied.  I was with Shawn and Ali so that they wouldn’t feel alone.  Lyssa and I didn’t sit close for that reason, but I didn’t think that much of it.  

I can hide my feelings very good.  My smile will sometimes be fake but you won’t even know it.  

Penelope stayed away from Ali all night on the back veranda.  Ali got pissed off and drove around for half an hour.  

Trying to be around Lyssa, I ended up being everywhere and being treated badly.  

After all the party people left, Lyssa and I walked to her room and decided to sleep in her mum’s room.  Lyssa was very inquisitive about the night.  She thought something was wrong and it started out to be like that.  

Confessing My Hurt Feelings To Lyssa

Last night was very emotional for me to actually come out and tell Lyssa how I truly felt.  It hurt me when I said it.  Lyssa has never cried for someone before but she found herself crying all night for me and I cried for her.  As I lay next to her I thought to myself that she is never affectionate enough.  All the time I’ve been with her I’ve always had to ask to do something with her or face the consequence.  Lyssa would never act on impulse or ever make the first move or ask the questions I do.  I’d hate when I have to ask her can I kiss her, can I hold her, can she put her arm here, like she’s a puppet that I have to move the strings for.

Lyssa was persistent.  There were many times she got angry, so angry once she left the room.  I was just about to walk home before she came back in to talk.  She was very frustrated and so was I, but I kept cool and tried to sort the problem out with her.  

What made her and I cry was when she told me, “You haven’t kissed me the whole day.”

I told her, “You haven’t either.  I tried today but you didn’t want to, so I was insecure.”  

The truth of the fact was that she makes me insecure in my actions, always questioning what I do towards her or making it hard.  I show affection towards her but it seems the only time she shows it back is when I ask her to or move her towards that direction, like I’m forcing her.  It hurt to know she wasn’t affectionate enough towards me.

That night was real bad.  I went real quiet and so did she.  I got so bad that I had to get up to walk away to save my pain.  

There’s only so much you can hold inside until you just can’t hold anymore.  

Lyssa asked me not to walk away, almost crying.  So I couldn’t walk away.  She came to me and held me in the corridor, as I held my emotions and thoughts.

Discussing The Affection Issue

The morning came.  While I awoke I told her I was sorry basically for making her feel like shit.  Every time that I put her down, told her she wasn’t this or wasn’t that for me, and that she could do this and that, that’s why I apologized.  She told me that she would change but I didn’t see any change as I lay with my back to her and her back to me, with no emotions between us.  

We walked into her room and we tried for two hours to sort the problem out.  I told Lyssa that the problem is for her to fix and that if I tried to fix it, as I always do, then we’ll just be back where we were.

Lyssa has to fix the problem, change for me, and she was willing to do that.  

Printing Lyssa’s Poem At Campbelltown Library

Leaving her house without a hug or kiss, I told her that I’d come back later that day and that I didn’t know what would happen from this moment, giving Lyssa and I time to think by ourselves.  

Myself, I went to Campbelltown library and printed out a song I wrote especially for Lyssa called “I’m Your Man“.  She was at home writing all her feelings onto paper.  

As I was walking to her house she sincerely rang me asking if I was coming over.  She was that worried.

Feeling A Lack Of Care From Lyssa

At her house it took an hour or two to try and sort out the problem again.  The whole problem was based on her affection and how I felt insecure that she wasn’t showing me she cared for me.  

Lyssa and I came out of the situation.  She’s trying to fix it.  Lyssa cried to me that she never wants to ever lose me and she’s never felt this way about someone before.  

That made me think, that made me sad, that made me think.

Having dinner at Lyssa’s house, we talked some more before Ali came to pick me up at 9pm.  I left my poem hidden, gave Lyssa a kiss and told her where to look.  

Ali and I came to my house, as he talked about Penelope.  

I called Lyssa up to make sure she received my poem.  She was sincerely happy, as I said goodnight.