Unsettled Emotions Playing By ‘The Rules’ – Mad Chaos: July 30, 1997

Using The Rules On Lyssa

Lots of mind games have happened since my last entry and intriguing have they been to finally get some answers.  

Something that Lyssa told me on the phone yesterday after I got “The Rules” is that she can’t let me end the conversation on the phone; it’s part of “The Rules”.  Letting her end the phone call I was frustrated that she could follow these Rules.  Thinking back she has mildly followed these Rules since day one without even knowing it.  

Making me more agitated, I studied the book last night after Shawn, Ralf and Tatton left my house.  Reading back upon my last entry, what I done tonight to Lyssa was so true of what I wrote last night.  My game was to see how Lyssa would react if the Rules were turned against her.   It might seem rude or snobby and even wrong to the opposite sex but it is part of “The Rules”.  

A Standoff Created By “The Rules”

Last night when Lyssa rang me up and the boys were here and she hung up the phone, things would have been circulating in her mind.  Telling me today over the phone as I philosophized with her, she told me she thought I was angry with her.  

With Lyssa, you can tell when she thinks something is aloft, when she is worried and when she wants to solve a problem and ask questions.  Playing her psychological game, I didn’t call her since yesterday, since I was ahead in “The Rules” for the reason that I ended the conversation last night.  

Being one step ahead and apart from my need to call her badly that day (I wanted to call you very much Lyssa), I held some dignity as “The Rules” tells you to.

Spending The Day Fasting From Lyssa

For the whole day I accompanied myself, keeping my mind away from calling Lyssa as not to give in too easy.  

From sleeping in until 12pm and then eating, listening to music, and watching boring TV and getting bored.  That filled up half of the day.  

The other half I played the piano, ate some more, listened to more TV and tried ringing Jewell, because “The Rules” tells you to ring people up.  

The only person that would have been available was Jewell, but she wasn’t home, so I got bored again.  

After boredom I read “The Rules” chapter by chapter, and watched some TV.  

While watching Mad About You the final episode for the season, Lyssa called me.

Winning the game, I was going to talk to her.  But putting her in a state of stress through the day, which I found out, she thought she was bothering me and quickly wanted to end the conversation.  Finding this interesting, I told her I’d call her back at 8:30pm.  But by the time that came, I was about to call Lyssa because I don’t play The Rules like her.  I don’t like putting her through stress.  

Playing Chess With Shawn

Ralf and Shawn popped over before I called her back.  I had to sneak upstairs and tell her that I’d call her when they are gone, in half an hour.  

Half an hour rolled by while Shawn and I played chess, which he won because I was thinking about other things.  

Learning About Ourselves Through The Rules

An hour passed and the boys left, leaving me to call Lyssa straight away because I didn’t want to leave her in too much dismay.  

The telephone conversation was a real eye opener for both of us, as we learned some things about each other that should be known.  

I learned that Lyssa gets stressed real easy and gets curious very easily.  I thought that she was ready to quit on our relationship but she really wasn’t.  She learned that I liked playing games in order to establish the ground I had beneath my feet.   

What each of us have learned and gained is that I’m very forward in all my motions and thoughts.  I don’t stop until the answers have been received.

Lyssa was very concerned.  Literally the first thing she asked me is if there was anything wrong?  There was nothing wrong, I was just playing a game to determine the “Who” in us.  

Lyssa was genuinely worried.  Now she knows how I feel.  She knows what it’s like to wait by the phone for that ring and never get it.  She knows how to be “Dutch” and meet halfway now.  She knows she’s been breaking rules ever since she called me last night and tonight again.  

Playing Psychologist With Lyssa

Telling Lyssa that I was playing games, I asked her questions.  I was very intelligent in my way.  

Playing the role of a psychologist, I asked Lyssa what she was afraid of, why she thinks there is something wrong?   She couldn’t answer it.   

I asked her the main question of the day, “When do you want to see ME again?”  

I worded the question always in that form.  Lyssa didn’t want to be the aggressor and did not want to be assertive.  But I told her that she could not leave the conversation without determining when she would like to see me next.  I wanted to see her the very next day, the very next hour, but I didn’t tell her that, even though she probably felt the same way.  

Placing myself in her shoes, I got her to ask me some questions, thinking that would help.  She asked me (Lyssa), what was wrong.  I told her that I (Lyssa) was uncertain of anything, that I didn’t know what game Tony was playing, that I was confused and didn’t know where to turn.  Lyssa told me I was right in saying that.

Then we got to some more questions.  Hinting to Lyssa that I’ve read the book and hinting on some of the rules we carried on the conversation.  

At the end of the day, after a lot of stress on her behalf and mine, we ended with her telling me she wanted to see me tomorrow.  She might not go to school.  So I suggested that she come to my house, we study some books and I study the piano.  If she goes to school I suggested she see me after school and I take her home.  

Lyssa Starts To Make Decisions

So Lyssa made a decision.  I’m happy and relieved that she broke another stupid rule.  

Lyssa also told me that she quit smoking today and she hasn’t smoked for a day so far.  

What really gets me is that Lyssa didn’t go to school today.  She was home all of the day and waited upon me to call her, like I had to be the aggressor and track her down as “The Rules” state.  Lyssa saw an opportunity and played by “The Rules” and missed an opportunity to see me that day or make arrangements with me.  

I feel that if she called earlier the stress of tonight’s talk would have been more diminished.  Now that I’m one step ahead I’m going to take a step back and stay neutral, but not until I see if Lyssa calls me tomorrow.

Really, I do like Lyssa and there is a possibility for more there.  She just has to learn to let go of “The Rules” and I have to stop playing these games to her eyes that are making her stressed.  

If I called Lyssa it would have been worthwhile but if she stuck dearly to “The Rules”, she would not have accepted a “Saturday night Date after Wednesday”.  In other words, she would have not accepted my offer to see her maybe, if she was truly devoted.

A Note To Readers Of The Diary

Already, I’ve written three pages worth for tonight, where today was the most boring day in a while.  

To whoever reads this, I don’t know how all this literature comes across but I don’t mean for it to be rude or depriving of any feelings towards the people I care about.  I got hurt and upset, so I reacted and found out how Lyssa truly feels and reacts, same with all my other situations.  

My reactions are very futile and grand reactions, as are my thoughts.