Diary Of A Mad Chaos: Saturday, September 17, 2005

The Few Coincidental Brushes With Jewell

The sudden manifestation of Jewell Pressley has opened up a trove of perspective to review real issues.  I need be reminded, and when someone like nature delivers someone as invaluable as Jewell, it beggars rumination.

I did a check a couple of seconds back to locate whether I called the lingerie store on the date mind forsook self and the celibate principle.

I was surprised to find how once down the escalators and once the poster was seen, and as I walked around the corner of Campbelltown mall, a female in such perfected proportion, so pure in such immaculate poise that reminded me of Jewell was seen, and made me bow a head in shame.

The mere coincidence I saw her is another surprise I never debate.

I remember a vivid time when I did see her and was assured she was the one.  I am unsure whether the memoir holds its place somewhere else but there was an occasion when I came down the escalators of Campbelltown mall, and as I walked past the jeweler stores, saw her so beautiful with a smile on her face, and a male beside her.

Jewell on this occasion then walked into the pharmacy across from the jewelers, and I did feel ashamed as I walked on.

This could have been another occasion, but coincidence is fierce.  Jewell also works in Milperra, a walk to Liverpool station, so the person I think resembled her could have happened.  The suede patterned woolen pants and blonde hair and how she looked were a match.

How do I place this all in perspective?  I am here and have lived the experience, so I know this to be true.  No one else would believe such tales.

All I do is observe and narrate its relevance.  I have no control, other than to be where the hand nature places me, which has been in some unbelievable places.  I am aware too how acute the senses could become when an occurrence like this rolls into the memoir.

Insomniac Work Ethic

I have insomnia and on one occasion this month woke up in normal hours, which is when I called Jewell.  The impetus this created in order to accommodate the memoir also intensified insomnia.

Emboldened to work on a maiden rescue and then the memoir proper, the dedication was too much.

I floundered to common sense, simmered a pair of frankfurters, and paused the memoir proper at 4:50 am for a later menial.

I had to sleep.

The eyes were so mistreated I even opened up a lesion on the dextral lateral commissure – the outer corner where the eyelids join.

I watched television.  I did a fair share of work until then.  I needed some fine sleep.  While insomnia had me awake for several hours, I was never much bothered from upstairs.

Finding A Home In Gothic Music Culture

In those hours I listened to some of the downloaded music videos and became absorbed in Marilyn Manson in “Tainted Love”.

In other music videos I was inspired to reconsider hip-hop dance classes, which was also in a waft of proposals, to include a participation in the gym in town.  The racer never adds bulk.

This music video of Marilyn Manson injected into me a sense of identification.

To tell you the truth, all these gothic people I have come across and heard speak I relate to, and while I would never wear makeup or lipstick or paint my fingernails (other than that one time with Jewell), this culture led me to research gothic websites.

I was assimilated.

I entered into one website, which was similar to a matchmaker website.  The difference is that these people never cared, and their darkness was more beautiful.

I was amongst a culture, as Marilyn Manson the music video was watched over and over.  In truth, I had a notion where I would see tattoos, read articles to explain the reasons people did them and be convinced I could as well.  I then considered otherwise.

The Origins Of Gothic Culture

Gothic culture in my opinion is a separation from deluded people so proud in denial, in lives a lie.  Gothic is a rebellion to a dissolute world whose aim is to be loud and in the faces of those in society unlike them.  The marginalized are dark.

I pondered for a while, consumed in the darkness of Mad Chaos, “Have I been this person ever since I wrote a memoir?”

I did an online search on words to be surprised with some finds.

“Conquer and be true,” is an aphorism I abide by, and with so much overlapped adages synonymous, I wondered whether this sentence had ever been quoted online.  I never found one match.

The aphorism I placed in my name caption on messenger is unique.

Researching The Adoption Of The Mad Chaos Name

I also observed how an imaginary band of females adopted the name “Mad Chaos”.  There was near no use of the paired words.

In the vampire website full of gothic affiliates I came across a symbol, which a gothic band used as a symbol.  The symbol marveled the mind, as there was one simple interpretation.

Love triangle.

The band perhaps represents another meaning, but a heart over a triangle within a circle elicits “The Lost Years” of 1997-1998.

Answering The Riddle Of The Shepherd

As a citizen of common sense, I came to be rested at 7:20 am and attempted sleep.

I had to dig the head into the pillow and push the eyes hard for solace.  I tossed around for a while and wrote memoir chapter labels on a spontaneous occasion.

I woke up perhaps four or five times but there were a pair of epiphanies. The initial one was to realize the shepherd.  I debated this for months when the celibate principle was born and the one line I repeated over and over in mind.

“Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper.”

Ten years I never knew its purpose and one year I have asked.

Memoir is shepherd and mind its paddock roamed.  Memoir is charitable whose good will shepherded the weak.  Memoir has been keeper, and is the reason I have been herded so close to its word.

Blessed am I for which the faith to shun the iniquities of the selfish and the tyrannies of evil men I have honored its word.

Memoir is shepherd.

In the old world this would be rebellious.  In the new world this is salvation; The individual, personal law.

The Origins Of Personal Law

Extensive research was also conducted on the origins of personal law, which was recounted to a rather explosive era.

I read how involved I was in a brand of brutal truths to open closed people up to realities, which reinvigorates a drive I did lose since the malfunctioned hard disk drives.

I considered Jewell and how the memoir has no identification others can relate with.  Jewell should have known, and so this had me think, and I realized; the memoir is a social or societal philosophy.

The Diary – A Social Philosophy

Social Philosophy endeavors to understand the concepts of how society or societies function, where society is defined as a social system within which an individual lives whose members depend on each other for some purpose.

Social is defined as the relation and/or interaction of the individual with the members of the system.  The classification of the individual function in reaction or response to the perceptions of society is the social philosophy focus.

Societal science is an unachievable goal, which is the reason social philosophy will forever remain the benchmark to describe the relationship of individuals in the operation of society.  Since man is neither able to comprehend nor conform a science to societal evolution, one is unable to form a universal standard, which science depends on.

Science needs to be studied, tested, proven and the results able to be infinitely reproduced to yield identical or projected results in order to remain a science.  A rule has to be calculable in order to be an unarguable science, which is the reason a society or societies as a model is limited to the realm of philosophy.

A basis of proof to understand how a set of rules function is all philosophy requires.  Arguable philosophies fashion debate and debate fashions the need to prove beyond philosophical conjecture, a system.  Once a system is proven, absolute proof is required in order to know to a science its function.

In order to be a justifiable science, a law needs to be tested and proven in a system of applicable truths and maintain its integrity else the law is flawed and is subjected to a philosophy.

If there are inconsistencies to the results of the law contrary to applicable truths, then science is inconclusive in the calculation one composes, and since societal factors in whole are never calculable to one exemplification, the inference of the rule is invalid.

Science is no science when its arguments can never be absolute.  If one can argue then the realm is philosophy.

If one is absolute then the realm is science.  In this case, the function of an individual in a broader system is the thesis.  I endeavor in social philosophy.

Waking Up To Marilyn Manson

I wrote until 8:10 am and then dropped to sleep.

Nine hours later or thereabouts I awoke.  The time was 4:50 pm, and while I had tossed and turned on this sinistral hip for an hour desperate to remain asleep, in the end I came online to check news.

I checked the mobile phone.  I had a small look around.  I never did feel so well and I wondered what the problem was.

While awake, the neighbors made the same noise as a week earlier, with gunpowder caps, a series of them.  In self-restrain I used the infrared headphones for a couple of minutes.

Marilyn Manson.

The lesion around the eye was rubbed and while the sleep helped, I was never in an anabolic state.

I had no money and on principle, no desire to withdraw cash.

A shower was decided on, as I popped in for fifteen minutes.  The water was cold quicker.  Someone else would have showered upstairs earlier, which was new.

I toweled down and returned to the bedroom around 5:30 pm surprised mum or dad never ran around or used moron as an excuse for the broken truce.  I expected some action.

Instincts tell me mum has seen her errors and given up.

Beatrice and the cartel seem to have calmed down their peeves as well, and yes, Caprice from across the road seems to have moved back in, while with the hours I keep, I never see her.

The house feels like moron has moved on or wizened up to how this blood feud to run and help mum when I made a noise helped ruin his relationship.

If I were Joy, I would run as well.

The leap and miss lesson seemed to shake up the members into some sense.

A Listless Afternoon

There was no incentive inside me.  I never looked on the memoir in an adverse manner.  I just lacked the concentration and knew there was no rush.

Stranded in a contemplative mood, other issues stagnated momentum, like whether I should dye my hair black.

Nah!

I came back to sleep soon and catnapped for a further pair of hours.

Watching Storm vs Cowboys NRL Televised Match

I awoke at 8:00 pm to watch the Storm versus Cowboys match.  I was much better when I did.

I was able to crack spinal bones, which I have been unable to do for a while.  I had a lifted sense like a full sleep was had.

I boiled a pair of chicken pieces and then pondered on the reasons I was earlier so stale.  There were no real factors to make me droop other than suspense and a small climb in the need to participate.  The epiphanies before sleep of ‘social philosophy’ and ‘memoir the shepherd’ found me in stead.

I am comfortable.

I then upon consideration realized a combination of contributors.  The probable reason to be so predisposed to catnaps was ninety percent physical critical biorhythm period, five percent possible cold, and five percent Jewell.

I had to blow the nose earlier because of how I walked in the rain and returned home draped in water, and still I have no flu.

The televised rugby league match was watched with some enthusiasm.  I liked the space.  The memoir was to be resumed as soon as the match was over, which around 9:20 pm when the rain came back, woke me up and made me feel reassured.

The actual rain drops sprinkled into the bedroom and onto the three hard disk drives positioned near the open window.  I found a new home for them near the speaker boxes.

I then showered for a second occasion, brushed teeth and prepared.

The Question Of A Regulator For The Ternate Symbol

There was one final idea meditated on before I commenced here.  The idea of an internal regulator floated when I related this rather private idea of the ternate symbol powers to an emotional bond invested in some other individual.

All constitutions need an official regulator over power exertions.  I hold firm that a ternate symbol will never achieve balance… because there is no neutral representative.

Balance needs to have relative examples an individual alone is unable to determine, and so a regulator to an individual is a personal need to assess.

The reason I sneezed an omen when I wrote ‘neutral is impossible’ is because I never considered how people make me feel can regulate me.

Phoenix regulated me to where I considered actual celibate principles.  I assessed her importance and balanced.

Jewell regulated me also.  I assessed insomnia and decided to flick guarana before its vice was an addictive policy on the run.

I Will Never Achieve Balance Alone

People I care for help regulate me, which complements the rule of the ternate symbol.  I will never achieve balance alone.

I know millions of people who can make me think, none to help me feel.

I need someone for I never had care once Lyssa disappeared.

A bunch of people surrounded while no one was there.  Vultures called acquaintances corrupted instead of help.

No one knew how to help regulate me.  I never wanted their help either.  I wanted to feel rather than to be counseled.

No one whom I knew was able to make me feel, until the confessions of these months.  Even still, no one was there.