The Battle To Save The Memoir – Mad Chaos: July 25, 2004

Paying Off The Depression Debt

The abstention from all social, intellectual and physical practices is a canonical reminder of the days, where life now in this fragile economy mirrors an enormous foreign debt.  Depressors are like an accumulation of debt.  As this debt rises, it causes a freeze on normal produce and institutes a martial law on services.  

As a legislature, I am unable to produce any new initiatives because all available resources are offered to balance the interest charged on the foreign debt, so the economy is in an unsustainable static cycle.  

I need to repay the foreign debt a chunk at a time otherwise a country founded on literature will have to default its one asset soon.  I feel like this is where I am now.  I suffer despair, the desolation makes me feel jaded, and life is bleak because of these tariffs.  This fragile economy has undermined normal societal ambitions so much that I am unable to socialize or leave the house as often because this foreign intrusion immobilizes me.  

I am so affected I write in morsels now.  I have no tolerance for more than an hour of reflection, whose inconsistency disrupts an otherwise seamless storyline.  

I find however I have to rely on guerrilla warfare to keep these memoirs alive; otherwise, minus a resistance, there will be inevitable recession.  

I battle in pockets now and this is but one in a plentiful stream.  I have bland days because I am so encroached on, but in this rebellion to recession, a simple day aids.

A Depressed Sunday

In the tradition of preservation, I went to sleep at 9pm yesterday to wake up at 8am today, where I watched television for a couple of hours.  I was never interested in much.  I could have walked outside with initiation to exercise on the bench press, or I could have walked into town with the remainder five dollars to purchase a guarana drink, but I was rather sedated by the lack of expectation in this bedroom.

I remember I had an Atenolol dose earlier than usual because for the last two weeks I have made an innocuous move to have a dose on every other day.  Forgetfulness is the reason I started to behave in this manner, but I have noticed no remarkable difference in my behavior.  I am neither more anxious nor do I experience a heavy chest.  

I believe I had high blood pressure because of the constant surge of adrenaline pumped throughout my body in a direct result of panic.  If this theory is true, then I should not relapse into hypertension even if I wean myself off of these blood pressure pills.

I watched a popular rugby league analysis show from 11am.  An hour later I had sausages, wholemeal pasta twists and peas for lunch.  I was either bored or drowsy from the food.  In any case, exhausted, I drifted off to sleep.  

I believe I was depressed with the dim view of life and wanted to escape all the pressures.  I had so much to catch up on.  Despite the morsels written, it was a bleak lifestyle.

I woke up at 2pm and of course watched more television while I downloaded files online for half an hour.  That is when I started to become enthralled in live online rugby league matches.  

I had a salad of four boiled eggs in the meantime, which mom had prepared for me.  I was so lackluster I lacked the enthusiasm to make what was a complicated meal.  I had a nice small conversation with mom and dad while upstairs nonetheless, where dad and I spoke about soccer and mom asked me about food preparation.

I watched the news from 5pm for an hour or more, and then had intermittent periods where I would work on my memoirs and have breaks to watch more television.  

Chatting On MSN Messenger

I had my MSN Messenger status as offline today so I could appear invisible.  A few people appeared and remained online but I never spoke to any of them.  

I added a new email address to my MSN Messenger list as well.  I wrote to a female in a profile I read a day or so back.  She is an amateur porn actress and she wanted people to have casual sex with her.  I looked at her erogenous picture where she was naked and responded.  I never imagined she would reply because she looks like such a seductress, but she added me today, which is positive.  I now have three of four women contacts online thanks to the industry secret Weston revealed to me.

So Close To Surrender

I have ever since then watched more television, but this incarceration has been the extent of the day.  I have been under voluntary house arrest for weeks now in a show of resistance, which has robbed all other productive form of life from me.  I would love to overcome this obstacle.  Maybe by the end of the month all the morsels will have me lessen the imposition, which cripples my social economy.  

I am so close to surrender, to a life where I can walk around daily to seek other resolutions in the absence of repercussions, like the overhanded techniques of these memoirs.  

I have suffered because I believe in my memoirs, even when in my mind after so many priceless months the purpose seems frail.  

I will preach preservation and resist recession in this final bastion.  I will make it because I know moods are influenced by catalytic behavior, and while depressors have dominated, soon there will be promise to anticipate, like how I will be an uncle soon.  

I know there are so many depressors now, and their obstacles seem so hard to overcome.  I know I suffer in dire times, and it would take a miracle turnaround to be as fruitful as the first few months of this year.  

I am amazed at how easily life can turn upside down.  So much can be blamed for the deterioration, which can even date back to the closure with Lyssa.  

I know brain chemistry is a vital reason for the lack of enthusiasm or ambition in the prior month, but all I have to do is overcome the awe of my memoirs, settle on a balance of preservation, and then pursue other resolutions on this limited basis.  I may not fulfill all resolutions by the end of the year, but I hope I will not let a relic, which has flourished for months, die.  I am bound to survive, and so, in hope we confide to be our savior in the dishabille of these times.