My Brother’s Return Triggers Anxiety – Mad Chaos: April 15, 2003

Coming To Terms With Change

How horrible.  I once was able to claw back my own destiny in these past few weeks, managing to find respite in certain aspects to independence, but now life is insipid again, stumbling ever since the twelfth when all of a sudden out of the blue my brother showed up at the door, and now he lives here. 

To me, he showed up without warning, as he announced the arrangements with a knock at my bedroom door.  It doesn’t make me bitter that he is here but it does braze me with insult that neither of this family sought me as important enough to be consulted. 

I am now jarred and shocked into this reality, once again losing the ability to control my own destiny, as a manipulation sets in.

Sharing Space With My Anxiety

Ironic how this always happens; to lose the flimsy frame of autonomy once others infringe their trespass on me.  I started to grow comfortable with the steady routine of dieting and exercising and with the fact that the dysfunctional delusions in this household were quietly slipping away.  I grew in confidence when able to separate and concentrate on the problems in my life.  But the situation now is like a spanner in the works. 

I know my brother needs a sense of stability now that his girlfriend is pregnant.  But as usual, and as selfish as this sounds, my feelings were not taken into consideration when my parents envisioned this would work.

Deeper Into A Darker Place

I was left in the dark to look stupid as my brother informed me at my bedroom door. 

“Oh, that’s the first I’ve heard of it,” my response came.

As mum perked an anxious smile on her face, dad looked as caught out, and my brother with dazed confusion looked to the floor. 

I resented my parents at that moment, as constantly they let me down, and here their parenting faltered again. 

I have mixed emotions at the moment because my exclusion angers me.  Increasingly, my anger points towards dad because he stands out in his modesty to keep concealed.  I am starting to see his true colors.  It may just be my deluded extremes, but there seems a touch of the calkin heel in him, when his bitterness turns sinister, and he pawns people in manipulative ways. 

An Inconsequential Family Member

I don’t want to say too much about it because this matter confidentially discussed has disillusioned me.  I have to wear it because the decision is final, and it unnerves me how its consequences have forced their way into my countenance. 

I feel more desperate now because being deemed irrelevant makes me so.  I feel inconsequential, like a side issue, like my involvement is not an important contribution, and the only person to blame for this orchestration is dad. 

I feel like dad had an ulterior motive to bring certain conflicts to this house, which may be detailed in later events, if this conspiracy theory still exists.  I feel like dad did it to help himself however.  I feel like he did it to restore balance in his own authority because he was always ignored by me.  He needed to feel significant again, and this way, not only could he pawn my brother to reintroduce past anxieties in mum and me (because my brother was an aggressor) but like a dictator, he would overshadow my brother as well because his survival depended on pleasing him.

Dad Rules The Family With Impunity

I feel like my dad is manipulative.  Funny it is because I never used to think it.  I see however how the mere introduction of my brother has oppressed us with old fears.  Dad would have known this but carried on regardless with impunity, to raise his sovereignty to that stately level. 

I always said dad was petty, but revenge like this is ridiculous.  I say this because dad has not but one sympathetic bone in his body, so how could this concession be anything other than serving his own interests?

Perhaps reinstating his status quo was not a prerogative in bringing my brother back, but one has to wonder why my father can relate only to my sibling and not me?

Anyway, my grudge is well and truly established.  I would have come on sooner but the claustrophobics of this situation depress me.  I was so irate last night too being unable to sleep, but mum was probably more anxious than me because she had more reason to feel dismayed.