Reading Over Old Diary Entries
Looking back in my Diary entries in August, I wanted to find out what my feelings were like, to see if I had a clue that Jewell was not for me and whether I was being played. One thing I have learnt so far is that the feelings for Lyssa were still there, even though Jewell was once again free to be in my life.
Even after Lyssa had so much fun, she wanted to call me back, to see how I was doing. I would always say to her that I didn’t want to talk with her.
But how many people out there say something they don’t mean and regret it later?
In truth, when I told Lyssa never to call me again, I was hoping that she would call me back, and I was happy when she did eventually call. Even though I was treating her cruel, I wanted to talk nice to her, but my pride wouldn’t allow it.
A Taunted Conscience
Now I realize where the real love is. I also realize that my conscience is not the only taunted one here. Lyssa and Jewell also have a bad conscience, although not as bad as mine would be; Jewell for helping aid my cheating (if you would consider it cheating or a deep infatuation for fantasy) and Lyssa for moving so quickly from me to someone else just for the reason that she needed those feelings still there.
Now the ‘Lost Years’ are over, finished on September 16th. This concludes any feelings for Jewell. Now I wish I could take back all those false feelings.
To be totally honest, I really felt as if Jewell and I would be really great together, and we probably would have. But because Jewell was hiding so much feelings and thoughts from me, I was led further into the fantasy and was looking through rose-colored glasses, if I could say that expression. Now I realize that I was being played, and was stupid to sustain such a ridiculous fantasy.
Reading Over Poems
Also, I’ve been reading through the past poems I have written in August, the Blank Verses. The story of the Triangle comes up often last month. I am just wondering how early I started talking about the Triangle and how that thought originated.
Actually, that would be a good idea to illustrate on the CD I give to Lyssa and how now that of Lyssa’s flame and mine are burning, but that of Jewell’s is empty. But there is no need to add Jewell into my ideas anymore. She is nothing now.
Hoping To Forget Jewell
Still, I am waiting for all my stuff to come back, and I hope she sends it all. No more do I want her to look upon my poems, and think of me. Rather, I would like Jewell to forget me quickly.
Even though she showed her appreciation of my poems, they didn’t mean to her what I wanted them to mean. For that reason, I ask for my poems back, because there will be no use of my heart in her hands.
Deception led me to lust for Jewell longer than I should have thought sane and possible. Well, now it’s all done it can’t be undone, and only time can heal pain.
Diary Of A Mad Chaos is a daily diary written from March 1996 until today, of which individual books and book series have been created, namely “The Lost Years” an exploration of young, entwined love, the “Wubao In China (猎艳奇缘)” book series which provides an extensive comparative analysis of the cultural differences between Eastern and Western societies, and the book titled “Foreigner (华人)” an exploration of race relations in Australia.
