Why do people that don’t know me always think differently of me than the people that know me. Life is depressing when the people you used to know and trust believe you are someone you’re not.
Phone Marathon With Jewell
Sitting at home today all day, a typical Sunday, I listened to my music. That is the only solitude and peace I receive. Life isn’t peaceful for me.
Calling Jewell at the start of the day around 1:30pm, we talked to each other for two hours, just talking. We didn’t have anything to say that had to do with each other.
I didn’t tell her about the CD. I was thinking very hard whether or not to give her the CD. I came very close today to sending the CD to her. She deserves it, but she will take it the wrong way. I’ll “make her think”, like she says. I don’t think the right time to send the CD will come up for a very long time.
What also hurts is people like Keith for example think of me as someone different. Keith wanted to see the CD that I’m giving to Jewell but I knew he only wanted to see it for the wrong reasons. He wouldn’t care what it looked like. He’d just take it as something Tony couldn’t do. That bothers me.
Troubled And Misunderstood
Life is fucked these days, that’s very true.
I have to compete against so much to make it somewhere in the world today, and envy is natural in a world like this.
I just can’t explain myself and people’s presumptions of me. The only way I can put it together is that I’m a completely different person on the inside than to what I showcase myself to be, and that gets me into trouble.
For example Margaret whom I met last night, she probably wants to know me but she’ll think that I’m a certain type of person and not want me. The truth is very different.
How I think is very different to what people think of me, just look through my diary and you’ll find that. People just presume that because of who I hang around with, I must be like them.
The people that make the biggest impression in our group are the people that I’m showcased as and that’s not fair.
Discuss Margaret With Johnnie
Ringing Johnnie today I asked him if he could ask Maura for Margaret’s number.
They came over. We didn’t talk about it all night. It almost came up, but I knew they wouldn’t give her phone number to me. They all seem to think I don’t give a fuck about women, and that to me a bitch is just hoes and tricks. Not true.
I treat a woman like gold. But the other truth is, I haven’t got what it takes, and it hurts.
The truth is that I need to be in competition, I have to have my own car and my own money attitude before I can get serious looks. That hurts. People that think like that. All them girls are really fucked up, and that’s most of the population.
It really hurt to see that after all the time I’ve known Johnnie and Maura, they didn’t trust me enough to give me Phoenix’s number. That hurts.
I was in a good mood today but now I’m depressed. I can really say that I’m a nice person to whoever treats me decent and with respect. Learn from your mistakes and travel on.
Making Changes In Life
Now I have to go to work tomorrow with these thoughts in my head. When I have a car I’m going to think very differently. When I get a woman because of my car I’m going to think back to the day when I didn’t have anything they were interested in. I’m going to change. There’s no stopping that.
Diary Of A Mad Chaos is a daily diary written from March 1996 until today, of which individual books and book series have been created, namely “The Lost Years” an exploration of young, entwined love, the “Wubao In China (猎艳奇缘)” book series which provides an extensive comparative analysis of the cultural differences between Eastern and Western societies, and the book titled “Foreigner (华人)” an exploration of race relations in Australia.
