These days it’s all about beating the boss to work. Today I achieved that.
Reminiscing On Jewell
While on the train to work I was thinking, as I normally do. But then Jewell came into my mind. I thought of the good days we had, how we never had a fight, how we always seemed happy to other people, how we were on the night we were our most passionate.
I thought of how Jewell used to respond to me when we were together in the good times. Those thoughts of Jewell are what made me think tremendously for the rest of the day, today.
Reminiscing on how it used to be, I actually wondered why I haven’t had a decent relationship that has lasted. All I could think of was that I’m a jerk. The more I think of it the more it holds true.
While with Jewell, I couldn’t let her go. She meant too much to me. When I was apart from her I was constantly thinking of her. That was good. The bad thing was that I wanted the relationship to evolve too fast and that makes me come out too pushy and unwilling to wait.
Thinking On What Could Have Been
When I thought of Jewell being with me once more, if I could have that chance I would take it. But it can’t be… not for a long time.
I have no clue as to why we haven’t called each other. Maybe we are afraid of what will happen. Maybe we are nervous. I’m very fucken nervous! The truth of the matter is that I’m not ready for a real relationship. But I constantly think about what it would be like… to have someone that I love lying beside me, to share the times and emotions with someone I love, for I have never loved yet, and I anticipate the moment that I say the phrase.
While talking to Phoenix two days ago, she told me that I’m the type of person that keeps all my emotions bunched up inside me. I don’t tell anyone. That holds truth.
But for Jewell, I did spill all of me to her, through my letters and our four-hour telephone calls every night. But, now I’ve faded away.
Konquer Insurance Work Day
Work was alright for me today. I finished off my speaker designs. Now they take 16 ohms altogether with 65 watt 3-way crossovers (two on each speaker).
Everything today just made me think more and more. It made me quieter and quieter. My life was a whisper.
The Girl On The Train
On the train home from work I sat next to a very pretty girl in her 17s. She was nice. She probably liked me. We sat close but didn’t touch. She got off at Liverpool.
The only time we talked was when she was just about to get up.
“Are you getting off here,” I asked her so that I could give way to her.
When she left, I felt more depressed. I don’t have effort to make a move.
Hanging Out With Keith
Keith picked me up from Campbelltown train station.
We drove to Carey’s house to drop her off. She’s single again. That depressed me.
While at my house I found that my mom didn’t pay the bills. So I called her up at Waratah House. She was crazy on the phone, dumb bitch. I threw the phone at the holder and knocked it off the wall. I was now depressed and pissed off.
Cruising Around Town
Finishing off my food, Keith drove to Tatton’s house where we picked him up and left for Pizza Hut.
Seeing Rory down there, he told me about how Manson wants his car stolen and fucked up, It’s manual so why not.
Morose In Macarthur Square
Keith drove me to Macarthur Square. Most of the night I was walking around by myself. Seeing Chisomo and little ‘Snoop’, I sat down and talked to them and their lady friends.
Tonight at Macarthur was fucked, not enough action. Keith and Tatton left and probably went home, so I was alone. Walking around, I sat down with Redd who was waiting for his woman.
Jett rang me to pick me up. He came down. I was very depressed. I just wanted to go to a park and sit there, to think.
Jett picked up Kofi from Zola’s house. Then we left for a place at Minto Heights where I used to ride my bike down this real steep, steep hill. We all ran up and down the hill, and then left for home.
How depressed I’ll be tomorrow I don’t know, but the people that had seen me today saw on my face how I was.
Relaxing To Music
“I believe I can Fly” by “R-Kelly” was the song that soothed me tonight. It has a verse in there that made a lot of sense to me. Imad will bring the CD to my house tomorrow.
Friday and Saturday are going to be shitters, I can just tell now. The question now is should I do anything with Phoenix or not? Should I start seeing her or not. My mind says no but my body is telling me maybe. What do I listen to? I needsomeone in my life… NEED!
Diary Of A Mad Chaos is a daily diary written from March 1996 until today, of which individual books and book series have been created, namely “The Lost Years” an exploration of young, entwined love, the “Wubao In China (猎艳奇缘)” book series which provides an extensive comparative analysis of the cultural differences between Eastern and Western societies, and the book titled “Foreigner (华人)” an exploration of race relations in Australia.
