Diary Of A Mad Chaos: Sunday, March 19, 2006

Stroll Around The Block

In hours earlier, I walked around the block pallid and perverse.  I avoided the public to remain a paranoid freak.  I had been withdrawn from my medication, and these were the effects.

Wrote A Memoir Entry

I then returned to the pad.

Model perpetual rhythm never took much momentum to regain speed.  As soon as the nervous system was sound and once nerves had recovered, I returned to a proactive agenda disorientated withdrawal had hampered.

I have the fate charm back on.  I also wore the fate charm when the memoir proper was completed at 6:40 p.m.  So I return to the fate charm.

Malik could have been in his room, while I know no one can hear the music downstairs in the courtyard, and no one can hear the music even outside the common door.

Malik can hear the music because of our shared wall, and so can the couple across the courtyard.  The people who live above me even now remain a mystery couple.

Research My Withdrawal From Alprazolam

Despite how dilapidated a mental institution I was, I reviewed links in the diary to my own personally experienced withdrawal periods.

I was desperate for a dose of Alprazolam because my nerves were so flushed with fever.

I looked up keywords like “coughs” and medication names and “conscience”.

In tormented pain I persevered in my withdrawal from medication, incase a revelation found withdrawal had a valid case.

In the end I found “disillusion” as well as a raw brand of memoir in each abstained case.

Consume Alprazolam While Writing Diary

A dose of Alprazolam over the course of a diary entry was a substantial nervous system remedy.  The mood I held when finished was as stark a difference to the earlier suburban walk than one could find.

Shopping In Burwood

Once I had completed a diary entry, I needed food.  I decided on a walk down to Burwood.  The music remained on medium volume when I departed.

The walk was a return back to the senses.  There was no spike of emotion.  I was regular and for once able to speak to a couple of people on the walk.

Chatting To Strangers Along The Road

A man and his oblivious six-year-old son on a skateboard came from around a corner and walked down the road.  I did the usual look up and across to some static scene before I looked over with a halfhearted smile.  I said hello to a man whose kid became the focus.

“I’ve never seen someone with a skateboard around here before,” I expressed an emphatic hello.

The man with his limp lip turned around with a smile on his face to exclaim, “Really?”

I have been of this opinion for a while.  I have never seen people ride around on a skateboard, which a month after the racer was stolen made me wonder.

I said I had seen skateboards in other suburbs but never in the Croydon area.

I then turned around to resume the walk, to have known him as no foe.

A stark difference in this walk also was how the glasses were discarded.  I used them for dear life to hide my eyes on the prior walk because I was so petrified.  A couple of hours later I was bold, brazen and back to normal.

Feeling Safe In The Mall

The mall also comforted with a lack of people inside.  I wonder how I would have behaved hours earlier if panic goaded me inside?  Would I have been able to handle the express lane even with one person there, or would perception from wild hormonal fluxes have been so distorted I would have looked odd?  I know I would.

The lack of people inside honored me.  I kind of was wistful the dopamine-boosted compassion highs were never around, because instead of admire the true purpose to be there, I was more reserved in decorum to be coy.

Coy is the individual I am when chemical levels are regular.  Withdrawal from Alprazolam a week old with nerves frayed from vasodilatation on the other hand would have been a total disaster, to make me so incapable to perceive normal cognitive behavior and therefore shun into the shadows.

I am interested to read in full how I survived the prior month abstained before low self-esteem turned to no self-esteem.  I can see plain however how chemical balance or imbalance dictates how the nervous system makes us behave from the distress our nerves produce passed to our brain and translated as motor impulses.

My impulses while on Alprazolam were regular.  No amorous infatuation of women.  I remembered I had a task.

Shopping In The Supermarket

Hormones remained a factor as I tactlessly loomed behind a mid-thirties tall blonde with a white top on, her blonde hair back in a ponytail and fabulous cotton pink shorts on.  I walked into her aisle or made a pass more than three times, had a nice stare on one occasion and appeased the hormonal appetite.

Aside of her and other candidates, I collected a loaf of linseed bread, peanut butter, a pack of frankfurters and a bottle of cordial.

The chick in the express lane produced a rare cute occasion, which I know hours before I would have been so self-conscious to stifle.

I looked collected as I waited to be served.  A couple of chicks were seated outside, as one of them had a look over.  When I was served, we said a demure hello.  An Asian chick in her late teens who worked there used the express lane to leave, and like a joke, showed her white purse to the chick behind the counter.

“She never had to do that,” I smirked, as she scanned the items.

Then I looked into her eyes when we exchanged money, which she looked back.  I love the looks.

Looking For Opportunities To Engage People

On the return walk I saw a couple of chances to speak to people.

There was a chick on a bike for example stolen from her rowdy brother or some punk-ass juvenile who screamed back he wanted his bike.  I passed him then stared across as the chick in shorts and a loose top with her luscious boobs shown rode up.

Just to have fun, I wanted to tell her the dude up the road wanted his bike, but I had no balls.  I perved instead.

A couple of steps on I decided on a natural occasion to speak to a respected elder female.  I walked towards a pole and waited as she passed the slim corridor, and then smiled, “Hi,” to break the ice.  In our amused predicament she did the same.  This is all I needed.

Centennial Park Walk

Centennial Park inspired me again boisterous with joggers.  I realized I was late for a run.  I liked the small club of dedicated people and wished I were earlier.  I could have rushed home and back but darkness would have fallen, so there was no use.

Research Alprazolam Abstinence In Diary

I returned to the pad on 7:40 pm to unpack and then have a shower.  I had a quick one then embarked on some fun with music as a backdrop.

Three and a half hours became a comprehensive review of the previous entries one step from a chronicle of precursors and symptoms.  I reviewed my state of mind when abstained so I could revise them with added information that a clouded mind fails to recall.

Researching Relapse Onto Alprazolam

Mental cohesion has been reclaimed thanks to a considered move back to Alprazolam.

A foray of research into reasons (or indicators) to lead to the decision to abstain, a comprehensive analysis of symptoms in the initial week abstained on each occasion, as well as the emotional state days before a return to Alprazolam is considered.

I have abstained and relapsed from anxiety medication Alprazolam on four separate occasions over the course of a year and six months.  I hope to analyze those periods in full so a lucid outline of symptoms – both emotional and irrational – can be tabulated for future use.

Alprazolam Withdrawal Symptoms

I know Alprazolam so far has cleared the haze.

I had phases of euphoria, compassion and then a furnace-like sensation had sapped and precluded me from normal motivation tasks, because to overcome this haze of pessimism-amplified conscience exhausted me too much.

I was limited to a shell, and intimidated in places I can canter around in with no problem now.

The difference in withdrawal versus monitored doses of Alprazolam is the level of control I have over the cooperation of sensory and motor neurons.

Alprazolam – as I am led to understand – provides the metabolites needed to regulate cholecystokinin as well as norepinephrine levels.  Glands are unable to compensate the level of neurotransmitters outputted, and so the absence of Alprazolam deprives the nervous system to create a sensory and motor neuron discord.

In withdrawal I became illogical, where signals from the brain and to the brain were distorted.  I was a mess, while now in a regular state I can look back up into the bookcase and envision the paperback volume with pride in place.

I can think ahead.  I am clear in direction rather than cobbled when all these sparks distorted mind with trivial phobias exasperated from a lack of chemical balance.

I never cough as much, and when I do – even while this used to a chief taboo reason to review medication because medication to avoid niggles was seen as weak – now I see the importance.

The Success Of Alprazolam

A regular state also helps to avoid self-perpetuated doom scenarios.  A regular state after all dampens conscience and so conscience has less chance to pulse when pessimism rears up to perpetuate doom, which our neural discord harbors.

I can think, never self-perpetuate and cough less, which is the success of Alprazolam.

I hope extensive research into the four or five eras I abstained can be researched in full to assess the breadth of precursors and withdrawals, while for now I am pleased to expand on shorthand notation a chalkboard has.